I never enjoyed Alice in Wonderland. In fact, the first time I witnessed that wicked grin upon the Cheshire cats face I became scared and even to this day when I think of that turbulent tale I feel icy prickles blanket the back of my neck. Perhaps I knew, even at the tender age of 7, that the world can be a pretty uncertain place and that there are dangers lurking everywhere and sometimes there are no answers, only riddles and puzzles. I have not watched nor read Alice’s tales since I was a child, nor do I have any desire to venture down that visual path anytime soon; however, what I think I want to experience is perhaps falling into my own rabbit hole so that I too can be directed in the direction meant for me.
In the past month I have pondered the idea of no longer writing in this journal. I would never cease to create without permission and approval from Master which is why of course I have only pondered and not decided. My contemplation in regards to this journal stems from those feelings that perhaps I do not really have anything more to share. Oh yes I can easily ramble over every day occurrences and of course I can repeatedly express my desires to worship and bathe in my cock sucking experiences but what does that give? Who benefits from such simple and common actions? Obviously I would and do benefit and I am hoping Master does as well; however, when Master first created this virtual tablet he did so with the intent for us to provide information, life lessons, observations and emotions, so that those who share a kink commonality as well as those who perhaps do not fully understand or who even have a negatively skewed idea as to what a D/s relationship is all about can feel a connection or at the very least ask questions so that the unknown is not so scary.
Over the past year and especially during the past three months I have spent a great deal of time reading numerous on-line journals (or blogs as some may call them) and I have found the majority of entries seem to come to life with new experiences, with new ideas, with “newness” all around. I on the other hand seem to have fallen into a rather large pond of quick sand and unlike the hundred other writers I have come across, I seem stagnant in my adventures; stuck, rather awkwardly I might add, and unwilling to allow myself to try new things. Heavens knows I try to pull myself from the thick clutches of each emotional grain of wet, murky sand, alas just when I feel myself push forward, I allow my uncertainties, my lack of trust and need for control to pull me deeper and deeper into a rather disturbing and ill fated abyss.
I have been aware of my control handicap for many years and I have written about it; however, it was only a few days ago during a conversation with Master that I actually understood just how deeply rooted my neurosis is. You see, earlier this week the young woman had engaged in a conversation with me regarding her wish to experience “The Bastard” once again and she wanted to know if I would allow such an adventure. The reason why she was seeking permission from me was because the last time such a sadistic creature showed his evil self I felt grossly uncomfortable and shared with both Master and the young woman that I did not think I could endure witnessing such an exchange again. Much to both their surprise though I said “sure”. Of course this shocked each of them, which is understandable; however, the difference this time around is that I do not wish to be present for such a “play date”. Now I know I have religiously expressed my desire to be present for all sexual/kink related activities; however, this situation is an exception and one I believe I could handle. And why do I think I could handle such an explicit and emotional exchange between Master and the young woman? Because I have shared with Master what I would require in return and this, this is where my neurosis controls me.
In return for Master and the young woman having a frolicking good time I stated I would want the following:
- All toys and every other object of play to be disinfected and cleaned prior to me returning home from work
- All toys and every other object of play to be returned to its original place (i.e. toy closet) or placed in the garbage bin prior to me returning home from work
- All floors to be vacuumed and washed prior to me returning home from work
- All towels to be placed in washing machine
- All persons, (Master and the young woman) to be showered, hair washed, bodies smelling of soap prior to me returning home from work
- All persons, (Master and the young woman) to be fully clothed and either watching a movie or playing on computers or making dinner as I return home from work and walk through the front doors
- All tears, cuddles, down time, after care to be tended to in full prior to me returning home from work
- All experiences that took place prior to me returning home from work to be kept to themselves unless I ask to hear details
- All marks, bruises, cuts, burns (from wax play should there be any) to be kept covered unless I ask to see them
- (In a nut shell, for the atmosphere in the house and between Master and the young woman to be just as it would be should Masters mother or the young woman’s mother be coming for a visit)