The idea of me fucking another woman for Master’s pleasure has been an image I have conjured numerous times throughout the past four years and no matter how often I envision a harness strapped around my hips, a fake cock protruding from my mound, I still find myself biting my lip in nervousness, feeling completely out of my element.
I have invested a gratuitous amount of time watching video’s of women sporting the strap on, fucking women (and men) and no matter how skilled, how comfortable, how playful the women look, I am left with an artificial feeling as though the experience is inorganic. When I examine the women thrusting their hips, bucking into the backsides of each hole there seems to be something almost forced, something completely unnatural about the entire act and the feelings I have from simply watching such activities is transferred to how I feel about using a strap on myself.
In many ways I can not help but believe when it comes to actual fucking I am old fashioned. When I think of the actual act of penetration I, for the most part, think of a man and a woman. This does not mean I discount sex between two men or sex between two women, it simply means that for me, when I think penetrative sex my very first thought is of a man and a woman. I also know that the thought of a woman using a strap on with me makes me cringe, makes my body grow cold and it is a vision I simply do not embrace, which leaves me struggling with the idea of fucking a woman myself.
One of my biggest and on going hurdles is that if I do not like something done to me I have a very difficult time imagining doing it to someone else. Perhaps it stems from all my years of being told, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you“. In the world of kink, this sentiment is most likely not adhered to simply because what many submissive individuals enjoy having done to them, dominants would most likely not enjoy experiencing themselves; however, I am a submissive, I am Master’s slave, therefore when I think of engaging with another female, a submissive female, I do think about what I like and from there ponder about whether or not another would like the same treatment and vice versa.
When I think of locking the harness into place, think of administering a fucking I feel overwhelmed, out of control and completely lost as to what to do, how to move my body and even what to say. I have never been the fucker, I have only ever been the fuckee and anything else just feels abnormal to me. And that is something I wish to overcome especially since Master has expressed a desire to witness me using a woman with such a toy. My apprehension is eased, slightly when I tell myself that me fucking another woman with a strap on is me obeying, is me being a good slave for Master, that I am providing extreme pleasure for Master through my actions. When I think of the experience in those terms my nervousness dissipates ever so slightly and helps me to stay focused, helps me to remember my place, my place as Master’s slave.
Master is very aware of my uncertainty and I am extremely grateful that when we went shopping for a strap on he allowed me to pick one that wrapped around my thigh. Having a strap on extend from my thigh is far less intimate than a strap on wrapped around my hips and the idea of using said toy brings some comfort to me, some sense of security. I have yet to use the strap on, with pet or anyone for that matter; however, I do know it is just a matter of time before such an act happens. There was a moment a few weeks ago when I contemplated using it with pet, I even walked up the stairs and allowed my fingers to trace over the leather, to wrap around the base of the bumpy dildo and even though a tiny part of me thought to use it, thought of the smile on Master’s lips as I walked down the stairs with the bright red toy bobbing up and down with each step, I simply could not go through with it.
When I use the strap on I really want to feel arousal, I want genuine passion so that I associate such a device with far more positive feelings, with far more wanton feelings rather than any uneasy, awkward feelings. I know from all Master has shared with me that his goal for me is to eventually grab pet or any other woman for that matter by the hips, thrust my artificial cock into any one of her holes and fuck her like a beast in heat and although I would really like to be in such a head space, to be just that pleasing, right now my goal is to lock the thigh strap on in place and have pet ride the toy and for me to feel comfortable with the entire experience. My goal is also to push myself so that Master does not have to; to push myself to just take the plunge and try the toy out. The worst case scenario is that I do not like it whereas the best case scenario is I super dee duperly enjoy it and beg for more. Realistically, the odds are pretty fair and both outcomes are ones I could easily live with.
The strap on seems to be a rather well enjoyed toy and I am curious how other women feel about them, how men feel about them? I realise I am not alone with my thoughts; however, I can not help but think more people see the fabulousness in them far more than the intimidation factor they seem to have with me.
(Photograph: courtesy of Wong Fu)