I can not believe I am actually writing a part 3 to my entry. This is the longest expression I have ever recorded and I am surprised that I actually had so much in me to expose. The first two parts truly were just my way of chronologically organising the events; however, this section will be how I processed the events, my reflections and how I am feeling.
While shopping for the hood I felt a sense of possessiveness towards Master, of feeling territorial of him. As I mentioned I did not like those feelings and I truly believe it is not my place to have them. With that said though, after much thought I have come to learn that although I am not territorial over Master himself I am territorial with regards to my relationship with Master. Master and I have worked very hard for four years to make our relationship work, to keep it healthy and strong. Both of us have put a great deal of effort with communicating, ensuring we made time for each other and being dedicated to each other. Master moved from his country, his continent to come to Canada to be with me and I moved from my home, my family to be with him. Due to all we have put into our life together I do believe I have every right to feel territorial over the relationship I have helped build with Master and with that comes a level of possessiveness and protectiveness to our relationship. And I think that is really what I felt when shopping because I wanted people to know that I was Masters, that Master and I had a relationship.
Although at the time I did not realise it, sometime during the weekend I also came to realise that my views on toys have been changing. At one time I felt an attachment to certain toys; however, those feelings have since dissipated. Interestingly I do not think that is a negative reaction because I have always felt that attachment to inanimate objects is a dangerous behaviour. Toys break, televisions break, if we put too much value on them we can become emotionally affected when they no longer work. The hood Master purchased me, the black one with the red outlining was a toy I had great attachment to. When I placed the leather over my head I felt different, I changed, both externally and internally. There was great power for me in that hood and the experience of Master purchasing it for me and how pleased he was when he put it on my head. The experience of purchasing that hood and wearing it for Master was unique for me and although I hold that memory very close to my heart, hoods themselves no longer hold any sentiment for me. The toys that Master and I have collected and that Master has made are now just that, toys. I view them as instruments to be used on anyone Master so desires. Although the majority of toys do not carry any emotion with them, I have placed a few select toys in a bag, toys I do not wish anyone to use and Master has allowed me such a privilege. I did not pick many; however my two pink collars, the pink harness, the pink gag and the steel cuffs are tucked away, just for mine and Masters use.
The sharing of toys also brings with it my hierarchy with regards to Master, myself and a toy. Although I did not mention it in my lengthy posts, there was a moment between Master and myself, after I had asked Master to wash his hands before touching me, where Master had stated that I should make clear my expectations so that Master is aware of them before engaging in play. At the time I was dumbfounded that Master could even think that was possible because what is okay now but not be later and vice versa. Taking a few days to think about what Master said, I can see his point of view and although expectations will change I am very aware of what I want with regards to a toy and the relationship between Master and myself.
Since the very first conversation where Master mentioned bringing in a toy I knew that I would want both myself and the toy to be treated in a different way with regards to Master. There are privileges that I believe should be mine and mine alone and not because I am better but because in my relationship with Master I need to be his number one priority. I need to come first. And as odd as it sounds that does not mean the toy is second, but the toy is separate. The toy is an addition to the relationship Master and I have, but not part of the foundation. I have always taken this stance especially since both Master and I have always stated that should a toy live with us, that toy would still be expected to have a life outside of the home, to have friends and to even fall in love one day. The toy, although a part of our home would most likely not be a permanent fixture because eventually that toy would want a Master or partner of her own. Due to my desire for a clear distinction between myself and the toy I have a few expectations for what is mine, what I share with Master, what only I share with Master.
1. I am the only person Master is in love with. I would hope that if a toy lived with us that both Master and I would love her, but loving someone and being in love with someone are two entirely different emotions and I believe the in love is what I am entitled to, not the toy.
2. I am the only person who wears a collar. I am Masters slave. Master and I have spoken at great length at how I do not wish for another slave to be in our home that is why we refer to the person who would join us as a toy. The collar, for me, represents slavery and ownership and those titles are for me. I am Masters slave. Although the toy would be a possession and the toy would reside in our home, the toy would not be a slave. The toy would not wear a collar but perhaps would be adorned with a belly chain or cuffs on ankles or something of the sort, even a piercing would be more than okay for me. Symbolism is important and I know many people desire it so I can understand wanting something but the collar – reserved for me.
3. I am the only person who shares Masters bed. Who shares Masters bedroom. The bedroom in which Master and I share is special, it is the place where I am most vulnerable with Master and the place that I consider our private haven. It is, in many ways, my sanctuary. Now if Master wishes me to be at the foot of the bed or on the floor or even in the closet that is more than okay with me but I do not wish another person to share that space. This does not mean that we can not all share a bed with the toy, but I just do not want the bed to be the one Master and I share.
4. I am the only person who calls Master, Master. That title is mine to say and I have become rather sentimental with said title. In the beginning it was very difficult for me to say it, just as it was for me to accept that I am a slave but now, now I hold it very close to my heart. I believe what I would like the toy to use is “Sir” or some form of “Sir,” something respectful. I have even thought about the toy addressing Master as “Slaves Owner”. I do like the ring to that.
5. My lips are the only lips Master kisses. Should Master kiss a forehead, a cheek, the tip of a nose, an elbow, a cunt, an ass cunt, a leg, pretty much every other part of the body but the mouth, that is for me. Mouth to mouth kisses are extremely intimate to me and I want that reserved for me, Masters slave.
Like all aspects to a persons life, I know that these five levels of hierarchy may change with time. I might want to add different ones and I might wish to put some of these aside. The truth is one simply can not know what the future will hold. For now though, at this moment in time and in the near future these are the hierarchy rules I wish Master and I to respect.
I had a difficult time trying to explain to Master the hierarchy I have with regards to a toy. I did not do a very good job explaining to Master as he was thinking more along the lines of me “bossing” a toy when really it all has to do with the intimacy between me and Master.
Master has always wanted to know what I am thinking and feeling and what my limits are with regards to having a toy and my expectations of both Master and myself when considering/playing with a toy. In the short time that we have engaged in play with the young woman, my expectations have changed greatly. What I was not comfortable with the first night has become something I am okay with now. With that said though there are still a few expectations that have not changed.
Master and I have spoken about Master having intercourse with the young woman and part of me is okay with that and the other half experiences slight trepidation. I know that eventually with any toy there will be intercourse, that is part of the exploration; however at this point in time I believe it will be one of those “in the moment” experiences where Master will want to or I will want Master to have sex with a toy and only then can the decision be made. It of course would also depend on if the toy wanted that as well. Another expectation is that we will not consider a toy “ours” just yet. I must say that when I read Masters more recent entry I was slightly taken aback when he referred to the young woman as “our pet,” “our toy”. I do not have any feelings of possessiveness with regards to the young woman, I am still only learning about her. At this particular time I feel as though we are more than acquaintances but not truly friends. Friendship comes with time. This is not to say that I do not foresee a friendship happening, I absolutely do; however, for me, I am unable to be friends with someone I barely know. What I can say about the young woman is that when she is in our presence I am protective of her feelings and her well being. I want to ensure she is happy and experiencing all she desires. When the young woman is not in our presence I still wish for her to be happy and to be taking care of herself but I do have that connection in which Master does. I do not feel a need to control/play with her outside of the home. Perhaps my feelings with regards to external play are automatically different from Masters because I am not a Dominant. I do not wish to put too much effort into analyzing Master’s and my different sensations, I really just wanted to express that they are different.
And analyzing is something Master and I absolutely do differently. Master rarely analyzes and I pretty much analyze everything, including what other people are experiencing which is why I was concerned about sub drop for the young woman as well as for myself. Master does express emotions; however, Master is not an overly emotional person, whereas I am. I feel emotions to an extreme and I feel other peoples emotions almost as strong as my own. I have always been aware of other peoples feelings and I have gone to great lengths to ensure other people are okay. Innately I believe this is who I am. I am very in tune with both my own emotions as well as others and can even pick up on what other people are feeling far before he/she is. Sub drop is something not many people speak about but from my own experience and from speaking with many others, it very much is a real sensation. Sub drop tends to occur when emotions are elicited more so than when something physical has happened, (this does not mean sub drop does not happen when a sub is physically used but I find it seems to be more intense when emotion is linked). I also find that sub drop generally happens after leaving an environment which is strictly controlled. Going from controlled to not controlled is extreme and can often bring out a huge fall. I did not wish for the young woman to experience such a drop nor would I want any toy to. Perhaps it is because I am not as connected to what has happened between Master, the young woman and myself and therefore I can see the “big picture” with as many biases but when I watched the young woman on Saturday and Sunday I absolutely knew she would require more down time than previously and I wanted her to feel safe and walking on solid ground before leaving our home. I would want this for anyone. I want this for myself as well.
I believe my actions have made it easy for Master to not be as concerned about my own after care. I have kept a distance. Master noticed that before even I recognised my behaviour. Whenever Master is sitting on the sofa with the young woman I ensure my body is at least two steps away from them both. I did not realise I was doing this; however, once Master pointed it out I took notes of my interaction and Master was correct. Perhaps I distance myself physically because that is how I feel emotionally. In fact I believe I demonstrate a rather neutral behaviour when the three of us interact, well except for Saturday night. Even Sunday though when I was using the wand on the young woman I was not really in the moment, I was there but still slightly distant. Because of this neutral expression I did not allow Master to see that I wanted some after care myself. That after everything was experienced, I wanted reassurance, I wanted something that was just between Master and myself. Something that was not shared.
But it is very hard for me to ask for something. It always has been. This does not mean I am a selfless person nor are my actions ever altruistic. I do things because they serve a purpose for me; however, asking for something is incredibly challenging for me. I will say that the young woman actually helped me to ask and it is because the young woman has always asked. This does not mean she necessarily receives what she wants but she has the courage to ask for what she believes she needs. She always asks for cuddle time, she asks for toy time, she even asks for water. Now I do not know if it is ever a challenge for her to ask, I can not speak on her behalf but I will say when she asks she sounds confident in her request and I am in awe of how strong she is for doing so.
Asking for something has always been difficult for me. I believe it is probably one of my worst attributes. And I believe it is most likely the cause to ending of my previous relationships. In every relationship I failed to ask for what I wanted, what I needed to ensure I felt safe in the relationship I was sharing. All of my 8 past relationships I allowed things to happen, I permitted experiences to take place and all without asking that I being taken care through it all.
None of my relationships were ever monogamous. All 8 boyfriends I had prior to meeting Master required a third party and I always agreed. Unfortunately, the end of those relationships came from the men in my life picking the “other” woman/toy/playmate. Even though my previous boyfriends were the ones who eventually ended the relationship, my lack of asking for what I needed plays a large part to the demise of those relationships. If I really think about why I never asked I can honestly say part of it was because I did not love myself enough to make myself a top priority and the other part would be because I truly like to please my partner. I receive great pleasure in making the person I am in love with happy.
The difference though between those relationships and the one I share with Master is that for the first time I am willing to “fight” for this relationship. I want this relationship to work. I want to be with Master for the rest of my, however long that might be. I want to grow old with Master. I want us to be the two kinky old folks sitting on our rockers, rope tied around my arthritic wrists and a collar still locked around my neck. But in order for our relationship to have any chance of survival I must be honest and I must be willing to ask, to ask for pleasure, to ask to be used, to ask for comfort and reassurance.
Ask. And you shall receive. And I did. Master gave me down time and I am greatly appreciative of it and I know that I will ask for down time with Master after every play session because I want it and because I am worthy of it. And because Master deserves that, deserves to know what I need. Just as it was difficult for me to ask Master on Sunday, it is even harder to put those feelings here in my journal. Still, it is something I believe is very important to express.
A long time ago Master asked how I felt about bringing a toy into our experiences and at first I said no. I did not hesitate I simply said no. I even stated that if a toy was something Master needed then perhaps we should not further our relationship. Master stated he did not need it and in that moment Master picked me, rather than leave and find someone who wanted a toy as well. As time progressed my views on playing with a toy changed and after all of the experiences Master and I have shared with the young woman, I still believe I want a toy in our life. What I find interesting is that although I want a toy, after reading Master’s entry I truly believe he “needs” a toy. That for him to be truly happy that is something he requires. I confess reading those words is a little scary but I will always pick honesty over not knowing. I think a main difference between Master and myself is that I truly believe no one, no one thing completes me. I am a complete person singularly and everything I experience, although gives me something, it does not complete me, it compliments me. I am not so certain if Master could truly say the same. And that is okay as long as Master and I keep communication open and are always aware of how the other is feeling.
Relationships, like everything else in the world are not in black and white. And for a girl like me, that often poses many hurdles to jump over. Since I was a little girl I have looked at things in black and white. Over time I have adapted, accepted that life is not at all as I once imagined it. Still, acknowledging is not the same as changing my views. In many ways I wish Master and I were in black and white, that way I could always be prepared for whatever came our way. Our relationship though is an entire rainbow of colours and that often leaves me walking on unknown territory. Still, I would rather have days of uncertainty, days of confusion than not be with Master. And I would rather be experiencing all that I am with Master and our exchanges with the young woman, than have no experience at all. I just wish I could foresee the future, have a hint of what is to come.
I believe part of my wonder comes from a lack of control. And I certainly have felt/feel that. My loss of control comes from the fact that I am owned and truly have limited control; however, another part comes from the strong emotions I continually feel. It is odd too because on one hand I do not want any control and on the other hand I would like just a little and I think Master could sense that for yesterday he surprised me with the control to pick the next day we play with the young woman. My first reaction was to say no to Master to say I did not want it. I did not express that sentiment though. My second reaction was to pick a date in late November. To give me some time to absorb all I shared. Exposing pandora was not something I had made a conscious decision about, pandora simply emerged. And although pandora is very much a part of me, she scares me. She even scares the young woman and Master. Both of them shared that with me as we drove home on Sunday night. Master stated that pandora scared him because she seemed to have no limits. (And she almost doesn’t. Pandora is wicked but she would never take a life, never truly harm anyone but her limits are so very few.)
After much time I thought perhaps I should schedule a play date this weekend. I would of course need to find out if the young woman had plans but if she was available perhaps I should just make it happen right away. Kind of similar to if you get bit by a shark you should go into the water as soon as possible or you might never go back at all. With me, I am all about extremes. As I have mentioned before I wish I could be slightly more in the middle but I tend to go for it all or not at all. If I wait until late November I am not so certain what will happen, how I will feel. If I jump in this weekend will it be too soon for me?
Generally I think of Masters feelings before my own and even the young woman but this time, I am focusing on me and what I think will be best for me. I am asking again for me. This is such a new and surreal sensation.
I am not going to make a decision today but I will by the end of Wednesday. And no matter what I decide I do hope it is for the best for me, for Master, for the young woman.
Reflection is not always easy. Often I learn many things that perhaps I never did. Truths surface and I do not always want to know them. Still, I believe sharing all that I have has allowed me to open myself up and hopefully that will allow Master to understand his slave just a little better than before.