When I was a little girl I was often described as whimsical, merry, a dreamer. I believed in showing my affections and found myself giving hugs to those I knew and loved as well as those I had only met. I embraced my emotions, the full gamut whether they be joyful or morose. I did not fear the tears whether they came from laughter or sadness. Yes, when I was a little girl I openly felt them all and in doing so I kept my life, my heart available, welcoming all who trespassed.
Over the years I have slowly been building a fence. I do not know when or where it started but I do know it is strong and although there is a gate, so rarely do I open it. And even when I do it is with hesitation, taking only a tiny step forward ensuring the entrance is blocked.
I used to be soft. My goal to laugh, be gentle, carefree. I was known as the happy girl, my nickname being that of sunshine because I “lit up everyone’s life”. (My friends quote, not mine.) I was not afraid of being hurt or showing my sensitive nature. I was not apprehensive in expressing myself nor did I shy away when others did the same. I did not have an external armour, I felt no need for it. So why does one exist now?
It would be easy to say my transformation is because of Master and I do not doubt that our relationship has impacted my responses; however, life is about choice and accountability therefore I do not hold him responsible. Master is a rather calculated, logical man who looks through a lens of practicality rather than emotion. He bases his actions and thought on science, on all things factual and leads his life with reason and rational thought. He does not understand emotional outbursts or feelings of insecurity or doubt nor does he have patience or understanding for emotionally driven behaviours. If I could adequately compare him to any fictional character it would be Spock. Due to our obvious differences Master and I have had numerous obstacles and I believe that in the process of trying to find harmony between us, I have removed some of my more natural instincts and replaced it with something colder, something not as yielding.
I am not without emotion; however, in the honour of being truthful I can say I have altered the way I express myself as well as the way I process incoming information. I am not withdrawn, however I am not as involved as I once was. When I touch Master it is more mechanical now and when he touches me I do not know how to read the motive behind his actions; I do not know how to respond, how he wishes for me to react to his affections. I used to touch all the time and welcome being touched, now though I find myself pulling back from the physical affection as to avoid an emotional connection. In many ways I feel as though I have forgotten who I once was and am now trying to learn this new persona. I am cold, distant and lacking in a willingness to share. For those who know me I am a talker, my mouth constantly moving and yet throughout the past year I find it quieting into a deep silence branching from my heart to my mind, a large knot blocking the space at the back of my throat, stopping anything from being spoken.
My love for Master has not altered. My ability to express it, to share it, to show it though, that feels lost and I am struggling in trying to get it back.