There appears to be a trend throughout the on-line journals I peruse, to speak about the concept of being released. I have discovered through numerous entries that many submissive women (and men) feel they do not have the choice to actually end a D/s relationship and that only when a Master grants such permission can she be set free. Although I grasp the mental aspect of feeling as though one can not end a relationship, the fact of the matter is, unless said person is being held against her will, she absolutely can end a relationship. This concept of needing permission to walk away baffles me. As a consenting adult you always have the ability to say no, to move forward with or without your Master (Owner, trainer, Dominant, Top) and I can not help but wonder of the psychological state of those who think otherwise.
I understand reality in a D/s relationship requires a little suspension from time to time. According to the laws in Canada Master can not own me. Legally he is not permitted to own another human being. However, this law does not stop me from believing in my heart that he owns me, that I am his property and his slave and that he can do whatever he wishes with me. I am, after all, his. In the sanctuary of our home I have given him consent to control me, push me, guide me and dictate how I spend my days and I am happy to belong to him. I am committed to him and our relationship and I willingly follow his rules and abide by his commands.
Master and I are in a happy state. We may not always agree and we have had our share of debates and battles but I want to be with him and he with me. I have no intentions of going anywhere and I certainly hope he feels the same. What if though, one day in the future I no longer wished to be owned by him? Would I have to ask permission for him to release me? Would it be necessary for him to tell me I am released in order for me to end the relationship? Absolutely not. I have the right, as a human being, to terminate any relationship I am in. I have the right to walk away if I so desire. I do not require permission to make a fresh start and anyone who is living in a consensual relationship has that exact same right. Now there are people who want to hear those words, “you are released” but wanting to hear them and needing to hear them before a person can move on are two entirely different things.
Yes. I understand the concept of a D/s relationship. I get the fact that a person feels owned, belongs to another, gives up rights to make choices and decisions. I am aware of all of that and have consented to such matters myself. No matter how much control a person gives to another though, under the law you have the right to walk away. Now if a person holds you against your will, does not grant you permission to leave due to bodily force well that is entirely different and most certainly a criminal offence. But if a Master simply says “no I do not release you” guess what? You can still leave. Yes. Yes you can. Trust me. Legally you are allowed to pack your clothing and walk away and if he stops you, if he makes it impossible for you to move your body well folks that is unlawful confinement or (depending on severity) potentially a kidnapping.
I am aware of the psychological factors when involved in a D/s exchange. Therefore I know of the desire to have permission, to request for it and I am not dismissing this act. As a slave, as a submissive we are conditioned to wait for approval, to be granted the ability to do something thus the perceived need for release. No matter how intense your desires for permission are though you can still end a dominant/submissive relationship, all you have to do is walk away. I do not say this lightly mind you. Making that decision would most likely be a rather difficult one and I respect the heartache, the uncertainty, the confusion and pain it would bring but do not tell me you are not allowed to no longer be owned because you are. According to the law, you can. And as much as people like to believe otherwise, no relationship is above the law. Not mine. Not yours. No one’s. We can surrender our freedoms to those we choose but at the end of the day that right still resides in all of us.
The world of BDSM, of a total power exchange receives negative press daily, why do people insist on creating even more drama? We enter this lifestyle willingly, consensually and you can leave in the same manner. Of course while in the relationship we exchange our freedoms for control and power. We consent to another to dictate our activities and we do so (hopefully) with love and trust. If the love and trust no longer exist, if the relationship no longer is what it once was why is it that you can not leave? If you can give consent you can take it away. Plain and simple. Please do not use the umbrella of BDSM as an excuse for staying in a relationship that is no longer healthy or beneficial. A dominant only has as much control as a submissive gives him. If you are no longer giving control, if it is taken, it is no longer consensual and quite possibly abusive. Being a submissive, being a slave does not equate to longer having rights.
You always have rights.
Dominant/submissive relationships are not above the law.,
I agree with the post and the comments. I will add that the ‘understanding’ is the core and rationality is its bedfellow. It is all fun and games till somebody gets hurt or more to the point, decides to be. On a very practical level, hurting people is BS. Playing is a different thing entirely. The vast area of greyness between is the subject of negotiation. I doubt the talk is ever enough. In my experience it is a try and feel, check and keep thinking. The latter is the responsibility of the dominant, in my opinion. Considering the issue under discussion, this seems most correct. Virtually every submissive that I have ever seriously been involved with has been female, above average intelligence and highly sexual. What has worked for me is care, thoughtfulness and ‘making sure’ afterwards and during. You can call it play if you like, I do not think of it that way honestly. There is no pretense in it for me. I mean it every time. The point is that the women that I have known did not tolerate stupid and would never even consider an ignorant dom. The burden of thinking and working with your submissive’s desires can mean saying no. This can be the most loving thing you can do. You want to be in charge? You want to be in control? Prove worthy of it. Trust me on this, if you doubt every other thing I am saying. Women of all flavors and gender preferences will test you. They will test you over and over again. As a dom you have to think more, you have to have more self control and you have to protect your submissive with even more attention than any vanilla relationship can imagine. The blog posting is right on with respect to the law, I guess I am taking into the grey area more because that is a very vital and important thing to get right. If you ‘get that right’ there should be no question of going over the line. If I have offended anyone with my comments I assure you it is unintentional.
Hello and thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your sentiments and conquer with what you have shared. Sincerely, a thoughtful comment. Wishing you the best.
~cockdoll
On target. I value the openness and acceptance of the BDSM community regarding predilection, body type and chosen dynamic but as with any philosophy or morality, the challenge and the breakdown is in the extremes. There is a right and wrong. I say that without qualification specifically because that openness and acceptance can be twisted to mean abuse and a kind of control that borders on psychosis. I wonder it there isn’t some sort of psychological condition that might be called reverse Munchausen-by-proxy. In other words, going along with the demands (or needs !) of another against desire. I believe I have seen this in certain people. The why and cause are beyond me, but taking control of your life and actively deciding your life is not negotiable. Here is the break point in the driving ‘thought process’ of (insert acronym here). Unfortunately, and this is a huge IF, BUT and MAYBE – real world relationships involve constantly going back, constantly renegotiating and constantly re-assessing because relationships involve people and we change. We learn about ourselves. We become aware of consequences (very, very important) and as a result we come to the conclusion expressed in Elliot’s Wasteland “that is not what I meant, that is not what I meant at all …” The right, the absolute right to withdraw, decline and more importantly leave is absolute. Now you have the central problem of an open morality and that is how to act, whether to act and whether to interfere. It is all well and good to pronounce a disembodied morality or ‘right’ (which I agree with), but now put it in real world terms. Should a person act to assist? What are the responsibilities and the extent of responsibilities for the person who has taken possession? ‘Yes sir, you may run with my scissors’ is not reasonable.
JAM
Thank you so much for your words, I do appreciate you taking time to share. And I agree with what you have posted. I do believe there must be a reverse to such a disorder for I have witnessed it as well. I have often said both to myself and aloud that “just because you can” does not mean you should.
Again thank you. Wishing you well.
~cockdoll
Very well said and it bears repeating. Although, mouse rather looks at the idea of release, like ending any relationship. It’s more or less the act of simply telling other person it’s over. Honestly, mouse hasn’t read any blogs where someone asked (begged) for release and was deigned but again mouse doesn’t read many. Asking for release is a formality, which may tell the Dominant, “you are respected, but not for me.” in that regard mouse sees it like asking for divorce.
In the cases of abuse, mouse always advocates for submissive and slaves to take back their power and leave. There is no asking in those cases and certainly no need to show respect by asking, or explanation.
But all this aside at the very core, mouse does agree with everything you said…and it’s something many just don’t understand.
Hugs,
mouse
Hello mouse,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wish to say I agree with your sentiments about being respectful asking for release and I would like to think I would do so if the relationship I share with Master came to that place. I would ask out of respect because that is the kind thing to do. For me my words came from that place where I have heard others saying they could not leave if not given permission and that prickled me from head to toe. So many people forget to protect themselves and fall into the trap of abuse.
Lovely to hear from you. I continue to peek into your world and appreciate all you share.
~cockdoll