It is now a 4 letter word. An angry, bitter, destructive, debilitating, evil, condescending, manipulative, damaging word. I now understand why people use it to insult others because quite frankly it is a horrible piece of human anatomy which serves no purposes in my life except to torture and torment me with what I can not have.
Today at 10:30am I met with my physiotherapist and after fifteen minutes he transferred me to another associate who he felt was better experienced. The second therapist although kind was unable to help assist me due to the tightness of my cunt. It was not enough that I had to lie, naked below the waist, with only a tiny cotton cover barely hiding my flesh but I also had to endure the multiple attempts at trying to insert what I can only describe as an electrocuting dildo. After the seventh attempt my therapist sadly looked at me and said, “I do not think this is working. I believe this is not an instrument for you. Not yet”. Throughout the 30 minute exercise I tried everything, including applying lidocaine both internally as well as externally to my cunt and cunt regions. Unfortunately, being numb did nothing to facilitate access to my cunt nor did me inserting my fingers in hopes of somehow stretching my muscles enough to be electrically fucked. In a nutshell my cunt rejected all help and I was left standing with copious amounts of lube dripping down my thigh and a rather disappointed therapist explaining to me that this therapy “just wasn’t right”. After dressing and humbly succumbing to my internal defeat, I was given a list of numbers in hopes I would find someone who was trained and licensed to perform manual, internal pelvic physiotherapy.
Unless someone has experienced this type of pain and frustration it is hard to adequately explain what it does to my sexual state of mind. I have a rather important part of my body that refuses to participate in a manner it was designed to and that pisses me off. I am mad. As I left that office I could feel the tears begin to rise; however, before they had time to fall they were replaced with anger. A seething, red, rage sensation and I confess I still feel those emotions lingering just below the surface of my sanity.
I have had more fingers and instruments inserted into my cunt than a well trained gang bang porn star and still, no pleasure. No success. No joy. It is irrational and horrific but a part of me wants to reach down and rip my cunt right off of me. I want to grab at the flesh and tear it from my body and whatever is left I want to sew it up and forget I even have a hole. And yes I know that frame of mind is ridiculous, I respect that I sound like a crazy person, but I am furious. I also have thoughts of just being fucked. Over and over and over again causing me to scream out in beastly cries, forcing my cunt to take what is was naturally made for. Both thought processes are twisted and inconceivable and truthfully I would not do either; but that does not mean the ideas do not claw at my brain, burrowing deep within my psyche.
I am rabid with animosity towards my cunt! And I feel justified in my emotions. I have spent the last ten or so years embracing my cunt, being kind to my cunt, thanking my cunt and all other holistic style therapies and none of them have worked. I have gone the natural route, I went the very professional medical route and I have even gone down the yoga, physical exercise route and for what?
So now, now I am going to feel anger. Oh I will not feel it forever, I know that is counter productive but for a day or two I will embrace the pissed off-ness feelings and be content with my exasperation. I am aware that this medical hiccup is minor compared to what so many others endure. I know that in the grand scheme of things my hurdle pales in comparison to what so many people face daily but today I do not care. Today I am a selfish bitch and I am seething with annoyance with the fact that I can not fuck like every other female; that I can not be fucked like the sexual woman I so desperately want to be. Yes I have a mouth cunt and yes I have an ass cunt but you know what I do not want to only have those two holes used I want the tiny, tight, pink cunt hole between my thighs to be pumped, slammed, thrusted into. I want to be ram rodded until my shrills of ecstasy cause the neighbours to complain and my cunt spasms from utter fulfillment. I want to want to be fucked. I want to want to be a complete fuck toy for myself and for Master. I want to be an entirely useful woman and sexual being.
I was born with a cunt so why does it fail to work for me?
(Image courtesy of the internet, designer unknown.)