Yep. That’s right. I failed vaginal physiotherapy.

July 4th, 2012

It is now a 4 letter word. An angry, bitter, destructive, debilitating, evil, condescending, manipulative, damaging word. I now understand why people use it to insult others because quite frankly it is a horrible piece of human anatomy which serves no purposes in my life except to torture and torment me with what I can not have.

Today at 10:30am I met with my physiotherapist and after fifteen minutes he transferred me to another associate who he felt was better experienced. The second therapist although kind was unable to help assist me due to the tightness of my cunt. It was not enough that I had to lie, naked below the waist, with only a tiny cotton cover barely hiding my flesh but I also had to endure the multiple attempts at trying to insert what I can only describe as an electrocuting dildo. After the seventh attempt my therapist sadly looked at me and said, “I do not think this is working. I believe this is not an instrument for you. Not yet”.  Throughout the 30 minute exercise I tried everything, including applying lidocaine both internally as well as externally to my cunt and cunt regions.  Unfortunately, being numb did nothing to facilitate access to my cunt nor did me inserting my fingers in hopes of somehow stretching my muscles enough to be electrically fucked. In a nutshell my cunt rejected all help and I was left standing with  copious amounts of lube dripping down my thigh and a rather disappointed therapist explaining to me that this therapy “just wasn’t right”. After dressing and humbly succumbing to my internal defeat, I was given a list of numbers in hopes I would find someone who was trained and licensed to perform manual, internal pelvic physiotherapy.

Unless someone has experienced this type of pain and frustration it is hard to adequately explain what it does to my sexual state of mind. I have a rather important part of my body that refuses to participate in a manner it was designed to and that pisses me off. I am mad. As I left that office I could feel the tears begin to rise; however, before they had time to fall they were replaced with anger. A seething, red, rage sensation and I confess I still feel those emotions lingering just below the surface of my sanity.

I have had more fingers and instruments inserted into my cunt than a well trained gang bang porn star and still, no pleasure. No success. No joy. It is irrational and horrific but a part of me wants to reach down and rip my cunt right off of me. I want to grab at the flesh and tear it from my body and whatever is left I want to sew it up and forget I even have a hole. And yes I know that frame of mind is ridiculous, I respect that I sound like a crazy person, but I am furious. I also have thoughts of just being fucked. Over and over and over again causing me to scream out in beastly cries, forcing my cunt to take what is was naturally made for. Both thought processes are twisted and inconceivable and truthfully I would not do either; but that does not mean the ideas do not claw at my brain, burrowing deep within my psyche.

I am rabid with animosity towards my cunt! And I feel justified in my emotions. I have spent the last ten or so years embracing my cunt, being kind to my cunt, thanking my cunt and all other holistic style therapies and none of them have worked. I have gone the natural route, I went the very professional medical route and I have even gone down the yoga, physical exercise route and for what?

NOTHING!

So now, now I am going to feel anger. Oh I will not feel it forever, I know that is counter productive but for a day or two I will embrace the pissed off-ness feelings and be content with my  exasperation.  I am aware that this medical hiccup is minor compared to what so many others endure. I know that in the grand scheme of things my hurdle pales in comparison to what so many people face daily but today I do not care. Today I am a selfish bitch and I am seething with annoyance with the fact that I can not fuck like every other female; that I can not be fucked like the sexual woman I so desperately want to be.  Yes I have a mouth cunt and yes I have an ass cunt but you know what I do not want to only have those two holes used I want the tiny, tight, pink cunt hole between my thighs to be pumped, slammed, thrusted into. I want to be ram rodded  until my shrills of ecstasy cause the neighbours to complain and  my cunt spasms from utter fulfillment. I want to want to be fucked. I want to want to be a complete fuck toy for myself and for Master. I want to be an entirely useful woman and sexual being.

I was born with a cunt so why does it fail to work for me?

~cockdoll

(Image courtesy of the internet, designer unknown.)

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Yep. That's right. I failed vaginal physiotherapy. , 9.3 out of 10 based on 3 ratings

6 Responses to “Yep. That’s right. I failed vaginal physiotherapy.”

  1. cumslut says:

    I always feel bad for you when I come across entries that talk about your cunt problems. Your anger is completely justified. This has been a problem for you your entire life! You’re allowed to be pissed off. Is there any kind of surgical procedures they could do? I know surgery isn’t at the top of anyone’s list, but it sounds like you’ve run the gamut in terms of other therapies and treatments. I do hope you someday find a solution. =(

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    • cockdoll says:

      cumslut
      I thank you for your kind words. Like all things, this is a hurdle and I will persevere. Surgery is an option, a last resort for me but yes we have thought about it and I will do it if it means I can enjoy my body and Master can enjoy my body. I wish you a wonderful day!
      ~cockdoll

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  2. jane says:

    Thank you so much for your kind comments, and Le Maitre sends his thanks (he reads all my mail etc) as well.

    I hope to catch up on your fascinating Blogs over the weekend as, a few days after I have arrived here from UK, Le Maitre is flying there for the British Grand Prix – he is a fanatical motor racing fan. So, as he flies out tomorrow, I should have some time to catch up on my reading and, from what little I have read so far, your Blog seems not only intriguing but very intelligently written as well.

    WHAT a pleasure compared with some other blogs I have wasted my time reading.

    Very best wishes
    jane

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    • cockdoll says:

      Jane
      I hope that my entries leave you smiling and maybe even reflecting, thinking, pondering. I took a peek at your journal and look forward to reading more about your adventures and life experiences. I find your relationships fascinating.

      Looking forward to future literature.
      ~cockdoll

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  3. Somehow I found your blog and the first thing I read is your Cunt entry. How totally horrific, especially for a slave. As a submissive myself, I have to shudder at your experience. Its something I have heard of but you are the first person I have met who has been so honest about it.
    I just hope your Master is patient – I am not so sure what my Dominant would say if I announced my pussy was off limits. In truth the idea of telling him makes me want to head for the jungle and hide.
    I hope you let your readers know what happens. For now you have my hopes and best wishes that it resolves itself quickly. And I’ll be knocking on wood and just a fervently hoping it never happens to me.
    Jane.

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    • cockdoll says:

      Jane,
      Well goodness, I am sorry to hear that the first entry you read was one fuelled with intense anger; generally not the way I hope new readers are introduced to me. I thank you for your well wishes and I will continue on and not give up until I do fix my cunt. Until then I have to be patient just like Master is and take it one day at a time. I am extremely fortunate to have Master for he really is a generous and caring man who only wants me to experience pleasure and he is willing to wait however long it takes, even if it is a lifetime.

      I would not wish this handicap on anyone; not even the cruelest of women.
      Wishing you and your Master a wonderful sexual life filled with passion and joy.
      ~cockdoll

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