“Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction.”

August 20th, 2011

 

I never enjoyed Alice in Wonderland. In fact, the first time I witnessed that wicked grin upon the Cheshire cats face I became scared and even to this day when I think of that turbulent tale I feel icy prickles blanket the back of my neck.  Perhaps I knew, even at the tender age of 7, that the world can be a pretty uncertain place and that there are dangers lurking everywhere and sometimes there are no answers, only riddles and puzzles.  I have not watched nor read Alice’s tales since I was a child, nor do I have any desire to venture down that visual path anytime soon; however, what I think I want to experience is perhaps falling into my own rabbit hole so that I too can be directed in the direction meant for me.

In the past month I have pondered the idea of no longer writing in this journal.  I would never cease to create without permission and approval from Master which is why of course I have only pondered and not decided. My contemplation in regards to this journal stems from those feelings that perhaps I do not really have anything more to share. Oh yes I can easily ramble over every day occurrences and of course I can repeatedly express my desires to worship and bathe in my cock sucking experiences but what does that give? Who benefits from such simple and common actions?  Obviously I would and do benefit and I am hoping Master does as well; however, when Master first created this virtual tablet he did so with the intent for us to provide information, life lessons, observations and emotions, so that those who share a kink commonality as well as those who perhaps do not fully understand or who even have a negatively skewed idea as to what a D/s relationship is all about can feel a connection or at the very least ask questions so that the unknown is not so scary.

Over the past year and especially during the past three months I have spent a great deal of time reading numerous on-line journals (or blogs as some may call them) and I have found the majority of entries seem to come to life with new experiences, with new ideas, with “newness” all around.  I on the other hand seem to have fallen into a rather large pond of quick sand and unlike the hundred other writers I have come across, I seem stagnant in my adventures; stuck, rather awkwardly I might add, and unwilling to allow myself to try new things.  Heavens knows I try to pull myself from the thick clutches of each emotional grain of wet, murky sand, alas just when I feel myself push forward, I allow my uncertainties, my lack of trust and need for control to pull me deeper and deeper into a rather disturbing and ill fated abyss.

I have been aware of my control handicap for many years and I have written about it; however, it was only a few days ago during a conversation with Master that I actually understood just how deeply rooted my neurosis is.  You see, earlier this week the young woman had engaged in a conversation with me regarding her wish to experience “The Bastard” once again and she wanted to know if I would allow such an adventure.  The reason why she was seeking permission from me was because the last time such a sadistic creature showed his evil self I felt grossly uncomfortable and shared with both Master and the young woman that I did not think I could endure witnessing such an exchange again.  Much to both their surprise though I said “sure”.  Of course this shocked each of them, which is understandable; however, the difference this time around is that I do not wish to be present for such a “play date”.   Now I know I have religiously expressed my desire to be present for all sexual/kink related activities; however, this situation is an exception and one I believe I could handle.  And why do I think I could handle such an explicit and emotional exchange between Master and the young woman? Because I have shared with Master what I would require in return and this, this is where my neurosis controls me.

In return for Master and the young woman having a frolicking good time I stated I would want the following:

  • All toys and every other object of play to be disinfected and cleaned prior to me returning home from work
  • All toys and every other object of play to be returned to its original place (i.e. toy closet) or placed in the garbage bin prior to me returning home from work
  • All floors to be vacuumed and washed prior to me returning home from work
  • All towels to be placed in washing machine
  • All persons, (Master and the young woman) to be showered, hair washed, bodies smelling of soap prior to me returning home from work
  • All persons, (Master and the young woman) to be fully clothed and either watching a movie or playing on computers or making dinner as I return home from work and walk through the front doors
  • All tears, cuddles, down time, after care to be tended to in full prior to me returning home from work
  • All experiences that took place prior to me returning home from work to be kept to themselves unless I ask to hear details
  • All marks, bruises, cuts, burns (from wax play should there be any) to be kept covered unless I ask to see them
  • (In a nut shell, for the atmosphere in the house and between Master and the young woman to be just as it would be should Masters mother or the young woman’s mother be coming for a visit)
Even as I sit here typing my list I am aware of just how controlling it is and how unfair it is for me to even think to ask of such things from Master. And even though I logically know my list has to do with my obsessive-compulsive disorder I want to cling to requests as though they were a life perserver and hope that Master will agree to such desires.  Oddly,  my nine expectations are not created because I am experiencing pangs of jealousy or because I do not trust Master or the young woman; no, they are born out of  my sickness to control my environment therefore controlling my emotions which in turn allow me to ensure I do not feel anything unpleasant, surprising or erotically awkward.  They are, obviously so, also created to control the cleanliness of my home, which is the foundation of my OCD.  When I close my eyes and imagine Master and the young woman engaging in sadistic, sexual acts I smile. When I think of Master engaging in sadistic, sexual acts with the young woman and picture myself returning home to a messy, cluttered, unclean chaotic home I wince and cringe and no matter how hard I try to push those sensations aside, they appear to engulf me; rape my mind and consume my body.  Interestingly enough, my degree of uncomfortableness and my desperation for order are mild compared to when I was a child – therapy has actually helped me although it might be hard to believe after reading all that I shared.
I want Master to have a good time and to embrace who he is. I also want the young woman to enjoy herself and I know Master is someone she can trust.  I also want to feel at ease in my home though and by having my crazy  list, that would allow me pleasure as well.  When I come home from a 9 hour work day the last thing I want to do is clean the house; all I want to do is change my clothing, have a nice big glass of ice cool water and spend some time with Master and by knowing the house is tidy, knowing I would be walking into a calm environment, well that helps me, settles me and is very much a part of why I would be comfortable with Master playing with the young woman when I was not home.  And just because I would want the play to have ended by the time I came home, that does not mean the play would have to end completely.  After some down time from work, if everyone was in the mood, why not more fun?
Every single day I struggle, am challenged and I know I allow myself to be controlled by an irrational disorder, still I have yet to learn the end all be all trick in overcoming such disfunction.  I also know that being controlled by something other than Master, other than myself is debilitating and has contributed to my lack of experiences, my unwillingness to venture down the path of adventure.  There have been many opportunities where I could have experienced something new, were I would have participated in something grandiose and exhilarating and in turn been able to fill these pages with vibrant colour.
I could have but I did not.
And I am not sure if I know how to change which is why I wonder if I should keep writing? If I continue to hold myself back (and in the process hold Master back) what do I have to offer – to anyone?  This is not about having a pity party or about fishing for compliments, this is about me being honest with myself.  When I was in my 20’s I ached for experiences, now that I am 38 I feel as though the world and all its’ responsibilities, all its consequences and expectations overwhelm me, add to my idiosyncrasies and although I know I have to learn how to control them I really just do not know how. I was a serious child, very practical and organized and I am a serious adult; practical, planning and organized and although such behaviours have helped me achieve all that I have, it has also anchored me; anchored me in far too shallow, uninteresting waters.
What to do? What to do?
(I really do not know what I was trying to say exactly through this entry, I think I was just trying to work through a few thoughts, I do hope it was not too confusing for anyone.)
~cockdoll

 

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