The psychology of me as a sexual being.

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The psychology of me as a sexual being.

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This morning as I was checking my e-mail I discovered a rather interesting video Master had sent me. The video, provided by Spankwire, involves a woman named Tia Ling who is bound by a rather interesting and intriguing bondage device all while being teased and tormented with a Hitachi wand and a motorized dildo which is inserted into her ass cunt. The contraption itself is beyond evil as it holds a person in a rather awkward and highly exposing position, combine that though with an extremely thick dildo vibrating at intense speeds all while pressing and thrusting at the entrance of a very sensitive and nerve filled hole along with the bulbous head of the wand pressed directly on the clit and suddenly you have the true makings of the devil's work.

Master knows that I enjoy watching people engage in sexual and deviant acts and will often send me links of naughtiness and although I do not always become aroused by what he shares with me, I am glad he does for it exposes me to new possibilities and that is something I am always open to. Since this morning I have watched Ms. Ling in action three times and although my initial response was lacking in arousal, I have since found myself aroused by all she was experiencing. During the first viewing I felt as though Tia was not receiving any pleasure from the activities and for me, knowing the participant is erotically charged, is having orgasms and is enjoying herself is 99% of the pleasure for me.

I appreciate torment and teasing and pushing people to the edge; however, I want to know at all times that the end result is one of ecstasy, one that leaves a person wanting for more. At the end of taping, the well used and orgasmically exhausted Ms. Ling smiles into the camera as she describes the intensity of her orgasms, both clitoral as well as anal and shares with her tormentor and all viewers that she did not experience any pain throughout the session even though she was worried for a brief moment that she might and kept bracing herself for when the pain would start. For me, that one tiny expression altered my experience and when I watched the footage for a second and third time, I was able to appreciate her entire experience and take my own pleasure from observing her toes and fists clench; watching as her drool slipped from her mouth, listening to her growls and grunts as the dildo shook her inside and out.

Over the span of a year I have learned that I definitely am not a text book sadist and watching this video only reinforced my thoughts. I like pain, I like to inflict pain, I enjoy watching someone squirm and I enjoy squirming myself; however, at the end of it all, when the tears have shed and the orgasms have been had, I want to see, I want to feel happiness, joy, fulfillment and emotional stability. I have come to realise that if at the end of a play session a submissive or myself is distraught, needy, uncertain or still left in tears, not only am I extremely uncomfortable, but any level of pleasure I was feeling rapidly dissipates and I am left with a rather nauseous sensation; one so unpleasant I want to remove myself from the moment, from the experience and not venture down that avenue again.

I have pushed through many layers, forcing myself to knock my internal walls down so that I am able to experience something new; however, there are some things that simply can not be bulldozed and I believe this is entry is a perfect example of just that. We all have things we like and dislike, we all participate in activities that we may not completely enjoy; however, when the feelings are so repugnant they cause vomit to creep up into the back of my throat, that is the time to stop. To stop pushing and accept my own limitations.

Every human is uniquely wired and although there was a time when I wished my wires connected differently, I can not force myself to feel something I do not. I can not force myself to be the sadist I have read about, that I have witnessed in both my Master as well as other men and woman. Granted I could participate in sadistic activities that did not bring me pleasure and I am certain Master will instruct me to do or say or act in particular ways that I will not overly enjoy; however, how I act and how I feel will not necessarily match and I am accepting and embracing that. I understand and accept that I will obey Master and even though I might not like what I am doing, I thrive on being obedient and when I entered this relationship with Master, I agreed and embraced and understood that it would not be an equal partnership, that Master would not always be "fair" and I would not want it any other way. With that said though, I have complete trust in Master that he will not (intentionally)harm me, either physically or emotionally, thus allowing me to embrace all experiences, even the ones I am uncertain of.

Sex and pleasure and kink are all extremely individual and I know what turns me on may turn someone off and vice versa. I also know that what once made me cringe now makes me wet, therefore I am not willing to immediately eliminate everything that perhaps causes my face to crinkle and my stomach to churn, I will, instead, try and try again but if after the third experience I am still left with an unpleasant and emotionally disturbed sensation, that is when I know it is time to move on.

This life is full of new adventures. I do not need to like everything, to desire everything in order to have fun, in order to broaden my sexual horizons.

~His

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