My planning all started approximately two weeks ago when Master and I agreed to have pet come for a visit on the 29th of January.  I had decided that the relationship Master and I share with pet required a fresh start therefore I wanted the visit to be one of emotional balance, comfort, security and laughter.  With my psychological training and education, not to mention twelve years of experience, I believed it was important for pet to associate visiting me and Master with pleasure, a solid foundation and faith and I was confident we would be able to achieve said outcome if we both approached the weekend with goals that were easily attained, ones that would leave pet feeling successful with few challenging lessons to process.

Unlike any other visit with pet, I took the reigns, with Master's permission and planned the entire weekend.  I had asked Master for a weekend without physical pain, without any extraneous emotional challenges and fortunately for me, he agreed.  I pondered all possibilities with pet, running numerous ideas through my head, spending many hours researching behavioural and classical conditioning and investigating a few online journals (blogs) looking for playful, pleasurable activities.

I discovered a wealth of information throughout my two weeks and at the end of my thought process I came to the conclusion that it was in fact time for pet to embrace her "petness" and after speaking with Master, we agreed to have pet be a puppy for the weekend.  This was an interesting idea for me simply because I am not a person who enjoys role play; however, for some reason I did not feel as though having pet crawl and play fetch, to drink out of a bowl and sleep in a cage was role playing it was merely an extension of what brings her pleasure, of having some erotic fun all while not causing any emotional harm or frustration to any of us.  One thought in particular that came to me the night before we picked pet up was to have pet crawl to the bathroom and bark every time she needed to use the toilet.  For reasons I am still processing, this one act made me chuckle and feel happy and every time pet made her way to the bathroom door, looked up and barked her little, "arf arf" I could not help but smile.  (Even now as I type, a few giggles seem to echo throughout the room.)

The planning of this weekend, although predominately my doing, was not void of Master and all his wonderful thoughts for it was Master who decided to purchase a rather large puppy cage and on Friday night when the three of us returned to Master's and my home, pet could not help but notice its rather large presence in the living room.  Although the cage did not escape her the small pink collar purposefully placed at the very back of what would be her new bed for the following two nights, did.  Master and I both knew that pet had already made the decision to wear the collar for she had expressed throughout the previous two days/nights just how much she wanted the titles of "Sir, Miss and pet" back.  After a few awkward minutes had passed, pet crawled to the cage, retrieved the puppy collar and returned to me and Master, kneeling at our feet, presenting herself, asking both of us if we would grant her request and allow her to wear the collar and to once again address us as sir and miss.  Teasingly we paused, pretending to ponder; however, I do not believe pet doubted her request would be granted.  The truth is I had missed calling her pet and I had, interestingly so, missed being addressed as "Miss".  Now I will not speak on Master's behalf; however, if I had to guess I would say he too desired to have such titles return and for the three of us to move forward.  After a few shared smiles, together we said yes and the collar was placed around pet's neck, returning to her the privilege of calling us "Sir and Miss" along with allowing her to be "pet" once again.

I believe there was a great deal of emotion for pet at that particular moment and although I respect a persons tears I was not quite ready for her to focus on such a release and instead wanted pet to have an orgasmic release instead which is why I immediately instructed pet to remove her pants and pleasure herself with the Hitachi wand until she was begging for an orgasm.  I knew it had been some time since pet had climaxed and although it was not exactly what pet had wanted at that particular moment, it was what I wanted and the minute I heard her pleading for release I could not help but smile and grant such a desperate request.  Her orgasm left her shivering and perhaps slightly vulnerable and so I wrapped her in a warm hug, reassuring her that she had been pleasing and that she was a good puppy.

Acceptance is something I believe we all strive for on one level and pet is no exception to this desire.  Unlike Master though, I show acceptance immediately, he; however, tends to keep a tight leash on such expressions and when pet asked Master for a hug and he refused, I think even my heart sunk a little.  I could see the worry trickle from the corners of her eyes and when Master instructed her into the cage without providing her with any physical reassurance I could not help but feel saddened for her.  If I had to pinpoint any one moment which defines the differences between me and Master, it would be in the one just previously shared.  I had wanted complete reassurance for pet, Master wanted to demonstrate pet's place, for pet to understand she does not always get what she wants and to, well, accept that.  Fortunately pet was not in the cage for longer than fifteen minutes and once she was allowed to crawl out, Master gave her a rather long hug allowing pet to expel the remainder of her tears and perhaps even some fears of uncertainty.

Master stayed close with pet for the next little while, granting her physical access to his person as I lounged on the sofa.  I was exceptionally sleepy as it was late in the evening and at some point I fell asleep.  There was a moment when Master tried to speak with me; however, I do not recall what he said as I was pretty much asleep.  I have no idea how long I napped; however, I do recall the suckling noise which roused me and as I turned onto my side I saw pet stretched out between Master's legs, her lips sliding up and down Master's cock.  The image of Master's hands gripping the tiny pony tail at the back of pet's head enraged me and I was shocked at just how upset I was and at the exchange Master had allowed.  Immediately I rose, grabbing the blanket and moved towards the stairs.  I am certain my actions surprised Master for when he asked me where I was going I could actually picture the question mark at the end of his sentence.  With a snarl to my tone I told him I was going to bed and that I was tired.  As I nestled into bed, Master entered the bedroom and asked me what was wrong. I explained to him, rather curtly that I did not appreciate him participating in such acts without me and that it was not a very pleasant site to see him engage with pet when I was not involved.  Master was shocked to say the least by my words for Master thought I was being included as I was in the room.  I was tired and could barely keep my eyes open and was not in the right frame of mind to speak and so, for the first time in my life I went to bed angry.

My sleep was restless as I was not happy with my behaviour and sadly I woke with a rather heavy heart.  I had heard Master rise before me and draw himself a bath and slowly I joined him, finding my spot on the side of the tub, discussing all that transpired the night before.  At the end of the conversation I apologised for going to bed angry, for not being open to talk about the situation and Master apologised for not including me.  Looking back and even during the conversation in the bathroom I realised that I have a many rules with regards to the relationship we share with pet and perhaps it is time to reflect and alter some of them.  At one point during our morning exchange I made the comment that I trust Master not to drive to Guelph, fuck pet only to return home all without my knowledge and as the words slipped from my mouth Master asked me once again why then all the rules.  As much as I dislike admitting it, many of the rules stem from previous experiences, of lessons I learned from past relationships.   Rationally I know the relationship I share with Master is far different from the other relationships. I know this to be true because I am not the same as I once was and that really is the key factor since it was my lack of caring about myself, of asking questions, of being clear on expectations and boundaries that caused such destruction in those other exchanges.

I do not discount the need for rules for I believe they help both of us to be clear, to understand what is acceptable and what is not.  At one point during our conversation I made the comment that perhaps I should remove some rules and Master shook his head no stating that the rules were important as they helped provide reassurance for me and he respected that.  And just as Master respects me, I respect him which is why I am still contemplating some of the rules I initiated.  There are certain boundaries I am not considering to alter such as sleeping in our bed together each night/not allowing anyone to sleep in our bed with us/in our room with us.  I do not wish for either of us to kiss another person on the lips nor do I wish for either of us to be "in love" with another.  Those are hard stone rules (at least for now); however, there are others such as playtime has to be with all three of us that I am reconsidering.  I will not make any decision without Master, that goes without saying, this is just me thinking, running ideas through my mind.

The Friday night hurdle was easily jumped though and after a welcoming hug from Master, together we descended downstairs, greeting the caged pet with a warm good morning.  The events of Saturday were playful, light hearted and contained a great deal of laughter.  There were more orgasms for pet to have, some fetch time for pet and of course lots and lots of barking.  At one point in the evening Master and I left the house to rent a few videos and pet was left in her cage and I could not help but find myself smiling at the image of pet nestled in her cage just like a real puppy might be.  While picking movies Master did surprise me when he told me that I would be exploring pet's cunt and that he would expect me to have at least one finger inside of her before midnight.  I confess I immediately became nervous at such a request; however, I was curious and more so I wanted to please Master.  As eager as I was to make Master proud I held off until 11:40pm, leaving a mere 20 minutes to fulfill my task.  I was nervous as all heck and using as much courage as possible I asked Master to show me how to touch pet, how to slide my finger inside of her cunt.  My apprehension did not come from not understanding a woman's anatomy but rather it came from having a cunt that does not work the same way as many others and I was terrified to cause her any harm.

I am certain my apprehension was intensified due to a recent doctor's visit I had earlier in the week. I have definitely struggled with vaginal pain and although there were two weeks where vaginal sex was not painful, I have, just this past week, experienced a sharp knife like pain at the entrance of my canal.  Because of my acute awareness of such pain I made an appointment with a gynecologist, hoping to learn that the pain was coming from something minor and could be easily treated.  After spending 30 minutes in stir ups, feeling the tugging and painful insertion of fingers and a speculum, I heard one of the most unwanted sentences a doctor could say to a patient:

"Well isn't that interesting. In my 25 years of being a gynecologist I have never seen anything like it nor do I have any reason why it would happen and huh, I'm not sure how to fix it."

The doctor continued to explain that I was missing a connective tissue which is attached to either side of my vaginal walls.  He then went on to explain that I was most likely born with such a defect; however, over time and sexual experiences the walls have torn, therefore causing even more pain.  When I explained to the doctor that I had been able to have sex for two weeks without any pain he asked me if I had been using any cream and I explained yes my regular doctor prescribed it to me to help ease the pain of a urinary tract infection.  The doctor went on to explain that there is a numbing agent, much like oral gel in said cream and it had made me numb therefore permitting me to have pain free sex.  In true me fashion, I immediately asked the doctor if he would just prescribe me more of that cream at which point he softly chuckled, squeezed my hand and told me no, that it was not healthy to overuse it.  The doctor did prescribe me antibiotics and a different cream and told me to use it for two weeks and to return to him to see how I was feeling and to go over alternative medical treatments, one being reconstructive surgery by placing an artificial bridge between my vaginal wall/muscles.  Although the doctor was thoughtful and caring I confess I left his office with tears in my eyes and a feeling of defeat.  Still, after permitting myself an hour of feeling sorry for myself, I brushed myself off and hoped for the best, putting the doctors words out of my mind.

Well, I thought I had tucked all those medical thoughts out of my mind until my fingers were curiously exploring pet's cunt and the more I probed, the deeper I thrust, the wider I stretched her, easily fitting three fingers inside of her, the more I realised just how close to the surface my emotions were.  There were moments when I felt as though I was jack hammering into pet's cunt that I felt the slight sting of moisture in my eyes; however, I did not stop my exploration for I wanted to understand her body and I wanted to please Master, to show him I could be an obedient slave and give to him what he desired.  I believe I played with pet's cunt for almost three hours, teasing her by thrusting for a few seconds only to wiggle my fingers slowly, gently inside of her.  It was a surreal experience feeling pet's muscles constrict around me and I was, (am) amazed at just how tight the vagina can get.  I feel grateful that pet was so willing and calm, expressing pleasure to help encourage me to continue and being detailed when she experienced pain or pressure.  Throughout the entire experience I was, all at the same time, worried I would cause her pain and mystified that the more pressure I exerted, the more I filled her vaginal canal, the more pleasurable it felt.  The sensations she was experiencing was something I simply could not relate to and by the time she had squirted and gasped, I felt both happy for her and sad for me.

Once pet rose and I cleaned up, I could barely keep the tears from bubbling over and quickly walked up the stairs.  Master must have sensed my emotions and followed me into our master bath.  I had wanted to hold the tears in; however, the moment his arms wrapped around me I began to weep.  I felt ridiculous. Ridiculous and angry and a failure.  I felt ridiculous for crying. I felt angry that my vagina did not act, did not respond in the same way pet's did.  I felt like a failure as a female because the one piece of anatomy which I believe defines me as being a woman, the vagina, did not function on any level, in any way that it was biologically formed to.  My rage towards my anatomy was intense and all those feelings of not being able to conceive, of having an inverted uterus, of having cysts on my ovaries, of producing eggs which do not consist of proper genetic material, all came flooding back slamming against all those descriptions of having a "broken" vaginal canal and within seconds I was flooded by a sense of being incomplete, of not being a "complete" woman.  I felt inadequate and I felt betrayed. Betrayed by my body.  My feelings were (are) all selfishly based and without any filter I shared with Master that I was angry that I do not receive pleasure like other woman, like pet does and I then said something I do not believe I ever acknowledged, ever admitted.  With a heavy sigh I told Master that I feel cheated, cheated from pleasure and I feel as though I am cheating him from pleasure.  There was not much Master could do to comfort me and in truth I do not believe I was looking for comfort at that time. My sadness ran deep but my rage was far more prevalent and with an understanding I am in awe of, Master did the one thing I wanted, he asked if I wanted a minute to myself.  There are times when I just want him to hug me and then there are other rare moments when I just want a moment with myself, to work through the emotions on my own, to prove to myself I am still strong.  After little more than five minutes I composed myself, changed into my pajama t-shirt and returned to the living room.  The rest of the evening was happy and after some cock sucking and a nice sound but comforting spanking for pet, we tucked pet into her cage for the evening and retired to bed, our eyes heavy as the clock rang 3am.

Sunday we woke late, 11:42am and I chuckled as we both lazily dragged our bodies down the stairs.  Just like the previous two days, the following hours were playful and full of pleasure.  I instructed pet to climax a few more times, all while bound to the new bondage contraption Master created, as well as have her suck Master's cock.  Her experience was perhaps not exactly what she was hoping for; however, both Master and I were (are) very proud of her for trying and for pushing through some emotional barriers with regards to being messy. I actually think it was a positive accomplishment, so much so, I instructed her to journal the experience immediately following her efforts.

Throughout the afternoon I was granted permission to suck Master's cock and I was more than delighted when he filled my throat with his cum.  Although I had asked Master if he would allow me to suck his cock and then have him cum all over pet's face, I confess the greedy slave in me was (is) delighted he permitted me such a privilege.  Although Master did not cum all over pet's face, he did grant my wish of having Master urinate all over pet as she placed her naked body in the shower, kneeling with her head back, eyes closed.  There was something erotically electrifying as I watched Master coat her skin in his urine and I know part of my arousal came from knowing it aroused Master as well.  Being kind I rinsed the urine from her skin quickly only to instruct her to move to all fours at which point I gave her an enema with 26ounces of water.  This was the first time I had ever given anyone an enema (aside from when I worked in a hospital) and it was quite intense to have that level of control.  As promised when pet had finished using the toilet I bathed her, wanting the warm water to soothe her flesh, relax her mind and to just feel cocooned in all she had experienced.

The evening was quickly coming to an end as we were driving pet back to her home at 8pm; however, Master did want me to try once more, fingering and maybe even fisting pet.  When I had played with pet's cunt on Saturday night I did manage to push four fingers and the tip of my thumb into her cunt; however, after being used by Master's fingers her cunt was a little tired and I did not wish to push her muscles to stretch anymore than necessary.  Sunday; however, pet's cunt had not been used all that much, with the exception of a glass dildo I had used earlier in the day when she was bound and so Master felt certain her cunt would stretch nicely, accommodating my hand.  At first we tried with a latex glove, Master wondering if the slipperiness of the glove might make it easier; however, the glove was not tight on my fingers and the material pulled and pinched at her skin ever so slightly.  Once I had removed the blue latex, lubed my entire hand and wrist with grapeseed oil, my fingers easily slid inside of her and without much effort at all I had all four fingers buried inside of her causing her to moan and pant.  With great care I slowly started to work my thumb inside of her as well and although there were a few moments where the pressure hurt just a little from being stretched, the experience was pleasurable for pet. In fact, it was when my hand, up to but not including my wrist, was buried inside of her and Master was jerking my arm back and forth, that pet moaned the loudest, her cunt muscles gripping me ferociously, her squirt juice coating my fingers and palm.  After approximately 30 minutes of pushing my hand into her cunt, pet began to beg for more and due to my fear of hurting her, Master and I switched places, Master shoving three fingers into her slick hole, me moving up to her side, lightly teasing, pinching and even licking and sucking her right nipple, Master lapping at her left all while his fingers pounded inside her cunt causing her to scream, moan and beg for Master to stop because the sensations were just too intense.  The finger fucking was so intense that it caused her to be extra greedy and even though she had numerous orgasms throughout the weekend she begged for yet another one and after placing the Hitachi wand over her incredibly sensitive clit, she had what can only be described as one of the most intense orgasms I have ever heard. Her entire body twitched, vibrated and jerked and once the wand fell to the floor, the room was filled with the sweetest, most blissful thank you's and giggles.  It was in that exact moment that I felt confident the weekend was exactly the experience I had wanted pet to have and I felt sure that the weekend visits to come would be filled with a great deal of pleasure, for everyone. With the exception of commanding pet to have one final orgasm right before dinner, the remaining hour was spent watching a little bit of television and allowing pet a few more cuddles before it was time to take her home.

This past weekend was very different from any other weekend with pet and I believe it helped bring a sense of trust for pet.  I also believe it taught me to have faith in Master, to trust Master as well as to trust myself.  I am very aware that the weekend we just experienced is not one that will happen often, if ever again and I am okay with that.  I do not believe we need to repeat experiences; however, what I do hope continues is my level of participation as I believe I was more active this time than any other time and much of that has to do with simply making the choice to be involved, to touch, to enjoy pet and to enjoy Master as well.  And part of enjoying Master is being open to him enjoying me when pet is visiting.  I know that I have been physically distant when pet has visited, not wanting to be exposed emotionally when pet has been around. This is something within me, not something pet or Master does, it stems from fear of being vulnerable in front of pet.  I hope that in the upcoming visits Master will help me to push past that wall so that I can bring Master the pleasure he deserves and to feel pleasure I deserve.

There are hurdles in everyone's life. Sometimes they are big, sometimes our feet get caught and we stumble.  Never though, are they impossible to jump over, sometimes it just takes a few extra tries and a really good pair of sneakers.

~His

(Cartoon courtesy of: http://www.jumpsoverthelazydog.com)

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