Just one of the reasons why the kink “community” often makes me ponder the “lifestyle”.
There appears to be a very common photograph circulating throughout the numerous fetlife profiles as well as kink online journals and whenever I come across it, I can not help but cringe. I understand that every person has a different point of view, a different sense of humour; however, what is not okay to me, is anything that may encourage any level of abuse. I will not post the photograph simply because I do not wish to promote it; however, the basis of the photograph is a picture of a woman who looks sad, genuinely sad. She is wearing a cardigan sweater, her hair is pulled from her face but wisps still linger around her very bruised left eye. The look behind her brown pools is pain, fear and uncertainty and as her hand lightly tucks under her chin it is almost as though she is using her fingers as a crutch to keep her head held up. The caption under the photograph reads: “She should have listened the first time”.
I respect that everyone in this “lifestyle” has different perspectives and that due to such a large range of desires, fetishes, lusts and wants there are varying degrees of play, physical interaction and communication. I also believe that abuse is everywhere, including within the kink communities and I can not help but wonder if such a poster, such a comment is appropriate. Personally, I do not. I find such advertisement to debase the life I lead and the relationship I share with my Master. I do not have an abusive exchange with my Master, it is one of consent, appreciation, love and obedience. With that said though, if I were not kinky and I came upon such an ad which was linked to a BDSM site I believe I would have to question whether the “lifestyle” was abusive or not.
My friend Lauren and I have conversed at great lengths the choices we make, the lives we lead and whether or not what we engage in is actually a form of abuse. After numerous debates, I have discovered that I do not believe my life is an abusive or abused one; however, I can understand how someone on the outside looking in could think otherwise. Lauren and I have pondered the many aspects as to what constitutes abuse and after much deliberation and the help of Lauren’s helpful words, I would say that abuse is about both intent and reactions. I base more weight on intent; however, I would be negligent if I did not take into consideration a persons reactions. I have worked with many mothers who have beat their children because they thought it would keep their children safe; however, those beatings left both physical as well as emotional scars and those children most certainly looked at the beatings as abuse. A person’s perception often comes into play when speaking of abuse, I can recall my grandfather calling my grandmother awful, hurtful names and yet no one in my family considered it abuse, it simply was, “their way”.
When I examine both of those examples I see abuse. I do not believe any child should ever be beaten and I also believe that name calling in a degrading manner which is not welcomed, which does not bring arousal, instead it brings tears and self loathing, that is abuse. And when I looked at the photograph of the woman with the sad eyes, with the dark purple and yellow hues cascading across her cheekbone, I saw abuse. I did not see a healthy exchange between two people who loved each other. The caption did not evoke love or comfort or safety or security or lust or passion or desire or wanting or dominance or submission. What I saw was a person who had been beaten, who had been silenced without consent and that by no means is an accurate depiction of the life I lead, of the relationship I share with my Master, of how I view my place as a slave, as a submissive woman, his property.
My life with Master was a choice and it is a choice I make everyday. I am happy to be in this relationship, to share all which I do; however, I do not wish for anyone to associate the life I lead with that of an abusive one. This “lifestyle” has so many persecutors, so many pitch forks thrown at it, why would anyone want to bring more fuel to the fire?
For every action their is a reaction. I believe it is time for people to be responsible, to be accountable for the marks they leave.
~His
No related posts.
Tuesday,January 5,2010 at 9:41 am
Wednesday,February 3,2010 at 3:28 pmDan Vandeweert
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Hey, first I want to say awesome blog. I don’t always agree with your opinion but it’s always a great read.
Keep up the great blogging.
Thursday,January 7,2010 at 12:21 amslavey_m
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i’m in agreement with you, totally, His Only. There is nothing humorous in the picture you have described. For a start, bruising to the face means internal damage and near the eyes *should* be a no-no to anyone with half a brain. The picture is of a battered woman. In the scene/lifestyle we have been trying for ages to make sure people don’t confuse the two — consensual BDSM and abuse.
To my mind, abuse is not asked for by the victim. It is given in intimidation and fear. What we do is welcome. For some of us who have no *right* to say no to their Master/Mistress, we still made that choice when we entered the relationship, a battered partner did not.
Thursday,January 7,2010 at 9:32 amHis Only
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slavey_m,
I appreciate your comment and look forward to more should you wish to share. I can not begin to express how scary it is to think that people can still view abuse as funny and yet it happens all the time. I think it is important, even more so in our “lifestyle” to be aware of the signs of abuse solely because we give up all our rights, we give up all control and therefore people can believe that abuse is simply part of the exchange.
Thank you for your words.
~His
Wednesday,January 6,2010 at 7:47 pmHis Only
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Sir,
I agree that the level of abuse within this “lifestyle” is far more prevalent than many like to believe, simply because I think abuse in general happens far more frequently than most wish to accept. What creates a lack of trust though is that I continue to find such advertisements and so few disagree, so few see abuse, they find humour instead.
I realise that humour comes in all forms and there are times when I will not laugh while others do; however, abuse, regardless of a persons “lifestyle” will never be something I will laugh at or take part in and it frightens me to know others will or worse, others will simply be quiet while it happens.
Thank you for your sentiments, for providing me with a little more faith.
~His
Wednesday,January 6,2010 at 11:14 amSir
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a
I believe that mental midgets are abound in this world and our lifestyle (for lack of a better noun) is not immune to them. There are those out there who will compensate for their shortcomings by using BDSM, M/s, D/s as a conduit to physically or emotionally abuse another. It is not an excuse but I am sad to admit that it happens more prevalently then we know. It does however cut both ways for those who are seeking abuse as form of affection and for those I believe I am most sad. We hold faith in the knowledge that the ones we choose to walk this path with are the ones that we know we can ultimately trust.
Sir
Tuesday,January 5,2010 at 4:12 pmHisHandmaid
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I have enjoyed reading your comments. I am interested that you say yours is a choice you make every day. I find the opposite: the reason I knew I wished to be my Master’s slave was because I found it so immensely freeing that I only ever made my choice once — to be in or not. Now I don’t feel I have any choices available to me; they are all his, and I take what I am given, however painful or unwelcome, at his whim. God knows why I feel that way, or exult in his ownership as I do, given that I am perfectly strong and normal in daily life. I do though.
I’ll keep reading. Maybe I’ll find some understanding of this weird thing that has happened to me in your experiences.
Tuesday,January 5,2010 at 4:33 pmHis Only
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HisHandmaid
Welcome to my journal and thank you for taking time to comment. I believe I have come across slightly misleading for I do not believe it is a choice to be who I am, to desire all in which I do with regards to being owned. Rather what I mean by choice is I could end the relationship, I could remove control by no longer being in a relationship with Master. This of course is not something I desire but the truth is I entered my relationship with Master by choice, the choice to be his property and just as he could no longer desire owning me I could desire no longer being owned.
I am Masters slave by choice. I choose to be owned by him. I think that is what I was trying to express.
I believe I am innately submissive though, as much of my DNA as the colour of my eyes.
Wishing you and your Master all the best.
~His