Voice protocol. Choosing to embrace it, rather than fear it.
No is not a word I am generally permitted to use. In fact, should I be worried or nervous or feeling panic I am to address Master in a manner where I use any word but no. For instance, if Master were to tell me to lean against a wall while we are shopping at Rona and to brace myself because he wished to try out a wooden dowel on my backside, it would not be my place to say no; however, I could say, "Master, if it pleases You, may Your slave not lean against the wall as she feels embarrassed to be shown off and used in public in such a manner". This lesson on voice protocol is not an easy one to learn and has been ongoing for the previous four years we have been together. I confess I am no where near perfect with regards to my voice protocol; however, I believe I have improved significantly over the past three months.
My quick reflex of uttering the word no comes from my extremely reactive behaviours and I believe I am reactive because I have used it as a defense mechanism since I was little. As someone who has difficulty accepting change, for many reasons, one being my OCD, I quickly adapted a behaviour of saying no whenever something different was proposed. There are many reasons as to why that approach is not beneficial but one of the main downfalls of such a response is that I miss out on so many amazing experiences, many of which could happen with my Master if only I would learn to embrace the unknown, embrace surprises, embrace my feelings without wanting to constantly control them.
When Master first told me I would be writing an online kink related journal he did so because I had finally acknowledged and accepted that all those wicked little fantasies I had about women being teased, tortured, used, discarded, kidnapped, captured, shown off and violated simply were acts of transference; that I was in fact projecting my own lusts and wants on an imaginary girl, imaginary doll. Although the memories of that exact conversation are fuzzy, I do remember the tears behind my admittance, tears from both shame and freedom. I think it is interesting that I was able to finally admit such thoughts three years ago and yet my desires still haunt me, still control my willingness to say yes, to not hesitate when Master instructs me to try something new.
I think there is a connection to the challenges I have had with learning my voice protocols and the desires I feel. In truth, the rules of my voice protocol are not difficult nor excessive; however, should I learn and apply said rules it would take away any of my pseudo control of being able to say no, of being able to stop something from happening. And I do fear that, fear experiencing something new, something out of my comfort zone only to learn that in all actuality, I like it, want it, desire it.
There have been countless times when I have said no, when I have moved into a state of panic when Master has suggested I do something foreign. Not only have I said no, but I also tear up, I become agitated and aggressive; I turn inwards, returning to my impenetrable box and I withdraw completely, almost as though I am shutting myself down. I know that when I make such choices to close myself off, I am missing out on so many opportunities. I also know that because of my extreme responses to Master's suggestions and ideas that there are many times when he simply will not think to do certain things to me because I have made such a fuss about how it harms me, harms my soul. Sometimes I wish I had not reacted in such a heavy handed manner; however, it is because of my over exaggerated responses that I have had to learn to ask for things that I want, have had to use my voice, something I shy away from when it comes to my passions. Speaking my desires often makes me feel greedy, makes me feel like I am work or a chore and I do not wish to come across as needy to Master. There is also a very large and significant part of me that does not wish to ask solely because I want to be forced, I want to be made, without choice. I believe that my lack of willingness, my inability to "go with the flow" so to speak has created an exchange where Master does not wish to always push me because I have made myself appear fragile, appear weak.
There are many reasons why Master does not force me to do things, some I have just mentioned; however, I would be kidding myself if I failed to acknowledge that there is one main reason why he wants me to ask, why he often will not do something to me, for me unless I ask and I believe it stems from the desire of humiliation. Having to ask Master to use me, having to ask Master to take pleasure in his slave, to do things to me that so many would consider horrific brings about a sense of humiliation and sometimes degradation and those cause both anger and intense arousal. Still, as awkward as it would be, there have been so many times when I have wanted to ask Master for some form of pleasure, to ask him to do something to me, to ask him:
"Master, if it pleases You will You spank Your slave until her ass is bright red and marked."
"Master if it pleases You will You please toss me in the closet and make me wait for You to use Your slaves' holes."
"Master if it pleases You will You hood me, pull a belt into my mouth, using the ends as reigns as You fuck Your slaves' ass cunt."
"Master if it pleases You will You push my head to the floor, resting Your feet on Your slaves' back, ensuring You are comfortable, for however long You like."
"Master if it pleases You will You tie Your slaves' wrists and bind her ankles with rope while she sleeps."
"Master if it pleases You will You choke Your slaves' throat cunt with Your cock, using Your slave until You cum, gagging her with Your release."
"Master if it pleases You will You force Your slave to spank pets ass until she cries."
"Master if it pleases You will You bind Your slave so that she can not move all while You use the buggy whip on her ass and thighs and feet until she screams and cries so hard she can barely breath."
"Master if it pleases You will You force me to get down on my knees while in a group of people and force Your slaves' mouth cunt onto Your cock, making Your slave suck You until You are spent."
"Master if it pleases You will You force me to please the other men in this room, ensuring they cum all over Your slaves' tits."
"Master if it pleases You will You force Your slave to crawl around the room, allowing anyone to spank Your slaves' ass, pinching it and making Your slave squeal."
"Master if it pleases You will You force Your slave to accept the touch of a woman's hands; for Your slave to lie still and only moan, whimper and say thank You to whomever is touching Your slave."
And those are just a few of the numerous thoughts, feelings, lusts I have had and not expressed and although I type them here, I am not so certain I will be brave enough to ask Master for them, but I hope that I learn to be. I hope that I learn to hear Master's desires, to speak what I lust after and to watch all that excites me (us) and to participate in everything I am offered.
I believe, should I have Master's permission, I will return to my voice protocol, taking time to understand its purpose and to execute such rules in hopes of helping me wriggle just a little bit more out of my box.
~His
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Monday,January 4,2010 at 5:47 pm
Friday,January 8,2010 at 5:42 amslavey_m
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i can relate so well to this! my sister had OCD so i understand some of what you are going through and i have Bipolar Disorder, which pretty much means i can understand the rest of it
i was unable to speak face to face with Master for years, because of fear of rejection (maybe what i wanted was just too kinky?) or fear of making Him angry because i was needing more direction in a certain area (maybe He would perceive it as me topping or judging Him?)
What i did instead, is send Him emails. i did this for the first 4 of our 5 year relationship. It helped, it gave me room to express what i needed to say and then i just had to deal with the response when He came home. i am now starting to voice my wants, desires, needs face to face, but it’s no less scary.
i feel Master also holds back on me because of my BPD. i was only recently diagnosed and medicated so it’s stabilised, but i’ve had it most of my life and last year was the worst year i’ve had for mood swings, with them changing hourly at times.
Maybe you could start to say these things in an email, or through here like you’ve done? The other thing you could do is think of something that’s outside your comfort zone but not so far as to cause too much panic and then ask to do that. Take it slow and remember to breathe
i find repeated small successes builds up the confidence to try bigger things.
Friday,January 8,2010 at 9:06 amHis Only
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slavey_m,
I certainly appreciate your comments and I feel as though we have similar feelings and behaviours. I believe your idea of inching out of my comfort zone enough to make it challenging but not produce serious panic is a good start. I am extremely fortunate to have a Master who has a tremendous amount of patience for me and my slow approach, even though I wish I was not so slow paced. I do often use this journal as a way to speak with Master when I feel lost with my words; however, I try not to write e-mails for we did that for three years and I think it is important to speak face to face. If anything, seeing his expression helps me to continue sharing as Master is always open to my thoughts and emotions.
I am glad to hear you are now on medication for your Bipolar Disorder. I have worked with numerous people who have BPD and it is amazing how different their lives were after being diagnosed as well as taking their meds. I can understand why your Master holds back at times; however, I believe that once you are completely stabilized you might find him approaching you and all adventures you both wish to experience.
Thank you for being so open and for sharing.
~His