I have owned a cat. Numerous cats to be honest and I have owned a few dogs, I have even owned my share of gold fish; however, I have never been the owner of a person and therefore truly have no idea what it must entail to take on such a responsibility.  As a slave I believe I am well versed in slavedom; I am privy to the citizenship of said land and am fluent with the language.  I do not; however, own a passport for the island of Dominance and sometimes I wish I did.  Not only am I unable to visit such a magical environment, if I somehow managed to smuggle myself in, I would be unable to speak the same language and am most certain I would be extradited back to my original homeland.  And it is not that I wish to give up my residence, on the contrary.  I value my place, my submissive hut; however, it would be helpful to have a glimpse into the mind of a dominant, into the mind of my Master.

Since I was little I have been told I am stubborn.  Stubborn and feisty.  My earliest memory of hearing such adjectives came from my mum but were not limited to her alone.  Those two powerful words were spoken gratuitously within my entire family circle and teachers, principals, friends, boyfriends, bosses, employees, fellow students, co-workers and pretty much anyone who has spent any significant amount of time with me.  My temper was often frowned upon and I can not begin to list the times my behaviour evoked a spanking, a firm talking to or even the threat of dismissal.  Regardless of the continuous repremends I somehow have escaped changing my ways entirely. Oh I definitely hold my tongue a great deal more and I have learned to control my exceptionally reactive responses and I even have managed to lower my voice when told I have raised it; however, I still find myself escalated, vibrating with emotion rather than calmly assessing the situation and making a logical decision after hearing all the facts.

My stubbornness is both my shield and my achilles heel.  I have complete faith that it is due to my willfulness that I pushed through my years of school, that I did not give up even when teachers told me I was stupid and would never graduate.  That it is because of my obstinace that I mentally battled university earning three degrees, one in science, the very subject I was told I would never succeed at.  My tenaciousness is what made me push past MLA, after MP, after numerous laywers and judges and eventually push a bill through the government, a bill that will hopefully protect and help children and young offenders.  Every success I have ever achieved came to fruition because of my "stubbornness" and for all my accomplishments I am grateful for my determination, for my unwillness to give up.

With that said though, it is due to my pigheadedness that I have lost friendships, brought disappointment upon myself, with employees and employers and has even contributed to me missing out on exciting experiences.  My inability to think outside of the box, to consider another persons perspectives when mine are so utterly grounded in mental cement, most assuredly has brought forth numerous losses; pleasures that did not happen but would have quite possibly brought a plethora of positive sensations.

I do not believe I am easy to own.  On the contrary to be honest.  Although I believe that the human being is a rather simple creature, I also believe that we create our own drama and thus turn our simplistic nature into one of complexity.   I am a slave who most often sees the world in black and white, right and wrong, yes and no.  Granted I have altered my views drastically through my thirty-six years of life,  there are some aspects where I still see no grey.  Master, although not completely a full rainbow, most certainly sees the world in far more colour than I do and I can not help but wonder how much conflict that brings Master, how much energy he must use in order to converse with me, to help me  "see the light".

I often wonder what Masters' thoughts are with regards to me.  I can not help but ponder over what he is thinking, how he is going to approach me when I begin to mentally spin.  I am a true analyzer.  I ponder, reflect, make lists, make lists of those original lists and evalute absolutely every little detail of my life.  I think it if were possible I would plan every minute of every day for the next forty years and I have no doubt I would be quite happy with such a controlled environment.  I am a person who thrives on structure, who enjoys planning every moment, who likes to fill each minute with something, anything as long as I know ahead of time what it is that I will be doing.  I am such an excessive planner that I actually plan for down time, for just lounging in front of the television, for doing nothing. Yes, you read correct, I plan nothingness.  This does not mean I do not like surprises, I do.  I enjoy when an opportunity pops into my day, something unexpected and 99/100 times I will jump on that spontaneous band wagon and be delighted I took a chance.

Some of my earliest memories involve planning. Planning and control.  Being a child with OCD I learned that I was a much happier person if I planned, organised, kept order with my environment and in my life.  I also spent from the age of 5 to the age of 27 in school and my educational years were significantly about planning and preparing.  I thoroughly enjoyed all aspects of my education, starting with kindergarten working all the way up to university; however, I did struggle with school and spent a great deal of time with tutors and after school lab sessions and even a term of summer school. (And even if I had not struggled with my studies, university is more about time management than what the course actually teaches.)

I am very well aware of my quirky needs for control, for wanting to know everything, I have afterall lived with myself all my life.  I have had a great deal of time to become accustomed to such behaviours, Master has not.  Master has only owned me for four years, has only lived under the same roof as me for 9.5 months and so I can only imagine how draining it must be for him to learn my habits, my daily routines of irrational behaviour, to understand my fears, my doubts, my insecurities, my vulnerabilities.  There are days when I still surprise myself, when I experience something completely new, something so primal and raw that it throws me into an emotional tornado and I have had a lifetime to learn my idiosyncracies: I truly am mystified at how Master endures it all.

Whenever I feel anger or jealousy, (a completely foreign sensation that quite frankly I do not like, not even one tiny little bit), I am puzzled.  Whenever I experience overwhelming tears of joy or of saddness I can not help but pause and reflect on what Master is feeling in response to my emotions.  It is during those times, times of queery that I wish I could delve into my Owners' brain and rummage around, to peek into the corners and behind the neruon shelves and discover what it is Master is contemplating.  I would not go searching to actually find an answer, instead I would be looking to simply see a different point of view, to perhaps see through a different set of eyes.

I think watching me from a distance might help me to better understand myself although I am certain Master does not always understands me which is why I have great empathy for him.  I believe I can be  rather contradictory and although I am aware of said behaviour I have yet to learn how not to be.  I know, for instance, that my emotions, what I like, what I do not like, what I am comfortable with and what makes my skin crawl are anything but consistent.  I am also aware that something I am okay with one day might not be something I wish to participate in the following day and although I have had years to accommodate such feelings, Master has not.  Not only has Master not had as much time, Master also looks at experiences in a completely different light.  Master so rarely does not wish to do something twice, on the contrary.  When Master likes something he is more than wiling to do it over and over and over again, granted he might vary it slightly, but generally when it feels good, when it brings pleasure he is more than up for it numerous times.  This does not mean that Master has no self control.  In fact, Master has far more self control than I do, it simply means that Master is not afraid to try the same thing time and time again, even if the first experience was not "perfect".

I am very aware that I am not an easy slave to own.  This is by no means a self deprecating statement. This is just a fact.  I am stubborn. I am willful. I am extremely literal. I absolutely do take things for face value. I do not "read between the lines" easily, if at all and I absolutely will hear each word in its truest of contexts.  My being literal has often brought havoc to my life, my ownership with Master is no exception.  When Master makes a statement or simply in day to day conversation I take each word in its truest of definitions and most often do not consider any other meanings.  For instance, if Master tells me he will be "using me all day and night" I honestly believe he means all day and all night. I do not think he will provide breaks, I do not think he will stop. In my mind Master will be using me, in anyway he sees fit, for 24 continuous hours.  As I type those words I realise how ridiculous it is to have such feelings because my Master is not a monster. I know he would pause to feed me, or at least give me water. I also know he would pause to allow me to use the bathroom.  Truly there is no reason why I would not think I would be permitted nutrition and bladder breaks.  Still, in my head, in my heart when I hear "all day" I immediately think 24 straight hours.  Now, as time has passed, I have learned, with great effort, to pause and think about Masters' words and to not draw my own conclusions, to not assume and instead ask.  There are still far more times that I accuse, that I panic; however, I am improving, little by little.

My advancements are slow though. I have mentioned before that I consider myself a turtle whereas my Master is most certainly the hare. Master has slowed his pace for me, still I believe that my stroll like mentality must be exhausting for him from time to time, which is why I am working very hard to put a little spring in my step.

I am very aware that I may never win the race but I am most certain to meet him half way.

~His

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