Well, I’ll be damned!

On being my Owner. »« Dinner was filling but dessert stuffed me full.

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I would say that I am a highly empathic person. Ever since I was little I have felt other peoples emotions whether the sensations are happy or sad or frustrated or disappointed or excited or even aroused. When I was very young I often found myself overwhelmed with all the emotions I digested; however, with time I am learning to separate what are genuinely my emotions as opposed to the energy I am experiencing from others.

I believe my journey in protecting myself while still being supportive to others has certainly been a considerably bumpy one because of the lifestyle Master and I lead. Anytime we have gone to a play party, an event where I may witness a spanking, another persons humiliation, a spectacular orgasm, I have found myself unsettled and often flustered because I am simply absorbing too many foreign responses and these emotions of conflict have continued with the training of pet. In the beginning I found myself grossly discombobulated and often pulled away both physically and emotionally because, simply put, I was not able to absorb all that I was and still be grounded internally.

Thankfully, with time and great effort along with communication I am learning to be present as well as sheltered when playing with pet. There are still times when I forget to separate myself; however, my recovery is far quicker now than before and I believe a great deal of that has to do with expressing myself in the moment, such as I did Saturday evening.

Master and I had been teasing pet, Master licking her flesh, allowing his spit to run over her face all while I was straddling the bench pet was lying on, placing the Hitachi wand against her already sensitive cunt. I had been tormenting her with the evil vibrating device for quite some time and her little body was having difficulty lying still all while keeping her legs apart. After being told numerous times to keep her legs open Master smack her tender thigh viciously hard, leaving an immediate mark. This intense swat in conjunction with the emotional turmoil she was experiencing due to saliva being on her flesh pushed her into an emotional roller coaster and for whatever reason the tears she was releasing were simply too intense for me; consuming me immediately in a wave of unsettled discomfort. I believe my conflict did not solely stem from how Master had treated pet but also because I had really wanted to give her pleasure, to make her feel good and Masters slap had removed any opportunity for me to enjoy the moment. It was surreal how the sexual energy dissipated and without even pausing to reflect on my actions I slipped from the bench, covered pets legs and feet and unplugged the wand. I know I would have walked up stairs had pet not been bound; however, due to her inability to follow, I rested my bottom onto the wooden platform, ensuring a distance was between me and Master, me and pet.

Words did not need to be spoken for the three of us to know that the mood had shifted. I was grossly conflicted as I sat cross legged, watching Master soothe pet with his words and tender embrace. I did not like what I was feeling and although I had wanted that particular type of play to cease I did not wish for the evening to come to an end. Truth be told I was uncertain as to how to approach the moment and unlike times before I reached inside of myself and confessed to not liking what Master did, that he had slapped pet too hard, that I had wanted the fun, teasing pleasure to continue and now I felt disconnected. My confession, although extremely difficult to share, allowed Master to understand where my head space was and in turn gave him the opportunity to cease activity and come to me, to pause with me and allow a brief period of time to pass so that I could collect my thoughts, control my internal environment and more forward.

I was amazed then and I am still in awe at how quickly I recovered from it all and I believe it all stems from sharing feelings immediately rather than holding them back. Within minutes Master and I were releasing pet from her mummified state and although that particular activity stopped, playing with pet continued throughout the afternoon and into the evening. When looking back at that moment in the basement I am still slightly baffled as to why it affected me to such an extent, especially when I think of the extremely emotional experience that happened later in the evening; an experience that, in the past would have had me topsy turvy and yet I was calm throughout the entire ordeal.

On Friday evening Master had stated that pet would be receiving a twenty minute spanking. Now, in the past this would have freaked me out; however, through time I have come to learn that a spanking can range from light swats to violent lashings and I trust Master enough to know he would never break a toy. I also felt confident that pet would be able to handle such an extensive spanking because Master had stated I would warm pet up and my swats are generally much softer, truly meant to warm the flesh and prepare it for a more intense work out.

Initially the spanking was very calm, gentle in fact; however, after approximately ten minutes of lighter to slightly harder spanks, Master retired his hand and moved onto other more unforgiving instruments. There were numerous toys Master used on pets bottom ranging from the wooden paddles to a crop to a whippy rubber flogger to the ping pong paddle (one of the most wicked of toys) and throughout the rotation of devices, Masters swats became harder and harder causing pet to squirm, scream and cry. Now, in the past, the moment I heard pets tears I would have become emotionally stressed and begged Master to stop; however, for whatever reason, in that moment I did nothing of the sort. When the tears first started to fall I simply moved my body closer to pets' draping my arm over her back and allowing her my hand to squeeze. In the past, pet has responded with little sighs of relief knowing she has my hand to cling to; however, there was something foreign, something incredibly new to that particular moment and I could not help but feel as though pet did not wish to be comforted, that she wanted to embrace and endure the pain she was experiencing on her own, to push herself through it independently. Using my gut instinct I pulled back and simply watched as Master beat her ass, pushing her over an emotional waterfall of emotions as he slammed the hard tennis ball against her already bruised ass cheeks.

It was an incredibly surreal moment, watching pet wriggle and plead, watching as her body twitched and bucked up, hearing the panic and desperation in her sobs and lost breaths and finally witnessing her both cling and push away from Master; watching pet endure her own internal battles. Something happened during that hour, something I truly do not know how to define or explain, all I know is that although I was not disconnected from the moment I truly had no emotion connected to it. I did not feel the emotion I have felt in the past; I did not feel concern for pet. I was not worried about her mind, body or spirit. I did not feel worry for her, in fact, all my attention was directed at Master.

I wanted Master to take pleasure from her and to take exactly what he wanted and I believe he did. As I watched his hand fall upon her already aching flesh I did not concern myself with her tears but rather I was consumed with the glossy, shark like stare emanating from his now dark blue eyes. It was as though I was seeing Master for the first time, seeing the beast he so readily keeps caged and I could not help but find my cunt leaking, my own sexual hunger growing wildly, all of which was caused by the energy ricocheting between Master and myself; between the heavy set of panic drowning pets tears and the echoing of the firm continuous swats created by Masters' aching palms.

Truly the moment simply is far too intricate to articulate; however, what I can share is that for the first time in my life I completely understood the deviant pleasure of using another human being as an object, to submit to the darkest realms of one's mind and allow impulse and animal instinct to over ride logic and compassion. I must confess I was slightly scared as I watched the transformation of Master if only because I have been fighting my own Pandora for many many years and I just barely have control over it and I really did not know just how much control Master had. With that said though, I trust Master completely and like all other experiences I believed Master would remain in control; an intoxicated, euphoric control, but nevertheless, control.

The experience was entirely new for me as I believe it was for pet as well but for entirely different reasons. I will not speak for pet, she has a voice and a venue to do that for herself but what I can say is that something happened for her during her hour long spanking, something intense, something grossly emotional and those feelings lingered for the remainder of the evening. How very unusual for me to feel so little emotion knowing she felt so very much. I believe that for whatever reason, during that painful foreign exchange, I connected with something inside of myself, something related to dominance, sadism and confusingly, submission.

This past weekend I believe has given me yet another experience, more reflection and introspection into what I want, what arouses me, what I can and can not control. This weekend also provided the relationship Master and I share with pet a level of reality, the realistic experience that sometimes fun and play can turn down a rocky path instantaneously yet it also demonstrates that communication can help smooth out the potholes along the way.

Like all weekends spent with pet, these past two days have certainly exposed me to something new, something I was not aware of, yet has been residing deep within my soul. I can not help but wonder what else lingers just below the surface?

~His

Slave musings