So many emotions, so many realisations, so much, so soon and yet for the first time since the beginning of this new journey do I finally feel at ease.

It is very interesting, this new found love for myself. Unlike before, I am now completely aware of how I am feeling, of what I want and more importantly what I am not willing to accept. In my new awakening I have also come to understand that I deserve to be happy, that I deserve to be the number one person in my Master's life and that I like attention, his attention and want it far more than I ever knew. This of course means that I have also learned, the hard way mind you, that I need to be comfortable in asking; asking to be touched, to be kissed, to be used, to be exploited, to be spanked, to be held, to be loved, to be humiliated, to be fucked, to go to bed with.

Master has been training me to ask since we first met. I ask to eat, I ask to go to bed, I ask to pee, I ask to cum, I ask to go shopping, I ask to suck his cock, I ask to answer / speak on the phone, I ask to visit friends, I ask to use the car and I even ask to watch television; however, prior to Monday I had never felt comfortable nor entitled to ask for anything intimate, anything that was selfish with regards to my emotions. Asking left me with a sense of neediness and from years of watching other girls be needy and listening to their boyfriends saying how annoying it was certainly conditioned me, trained me to rethink my behaviours and to try very hard not to come across as a girl who wanted too much time and attention from the man she loves. Little did I know though that asking is exactly what Master was looking for.

As a person who has taken a great deal of time and effort (not to mention continual education) in learning how to communicate effectively, I am in awe that this small yet highly significant act has taken this long. Truth be told though, I believe that I had to learn my worth before I felt that I could ask, that I deserved what I was asking for. I am now at that place where I will ask and although there will be times when Master will say no, I am confident that his refusal is not a rejection of me but rather him controlling me in the fashion that brings him pleasure. And the reality is I would not want Master to give me everything I ask for all the time because having to beg, to plead is arousing for me and demonstrates to Master just how very owned I am, how very much I belong to him and how far I am willing to go to please him.

Pleasing Master though can, if I am not careful, be a double edged sword, such as it was on Sunday.  I do not wish to take pleasure away from Master but as I have since learned, if I feel sad, if I am pained by certain actions, then Master does not receive pleasure, on the contrary.  It seems so simple, reading those words now but on Monday night as Master wrapped his arms around me and held me as I shared my feelings I truly had not even thought of the pleasure factor in that regard.

Our conversation Monday was beyond intimate, it was exposing and unlike other times when I have felt spent from the tears I have shed, that evening I found myself in a state of starvation: physical starvation.  I wanted Masters touch, I wanted to feel his fingers on me, in me. I wanted his lips to blanket mine, I wanted his breath to bathe me, I wanted him inside of me, all of me, every inch of me and after hours of pleasuring my mouth cunt, throat cunt, cunt, ass cunt, fingers, lips, cheeks, palms, ass cheeks, thighs, calves, hair, sides, stomach all with his entire body, I finally felt re-connected with my Master and for the first time my arousal did not only stem from pleasing him but from feeling pleasure myself.  I worshiped Master's body, Master adored my heart and soul and our hands, lips, flesh continued to touch until we slipped under the covers, me nestled in my safest place, the nook of his neck with his arm holding me close.  Together we lay there, quiet, skin on skin until sleep stole my time and when I woke I felt that beautiful warmth of his strong arm draped over my breasts, keeping me in place, keeping me where I belong, beside Master.  I woke with a smile, a sense of relief for I knew in my heart Master finally understood what I needed, what I wanted and I finally learned what he desired and our wants were the same, that we could now move forward together, in the same direction.

It is amazing how very wrong a person can be, how very wrong I was.  I spent Tuesday under an umbrella of hope and happiness and when Master arrived home I felt those sweet butterflies that always surface when I hear Master backs the car into the garage.  When he walked through the door I beamed and when his lips caressed my forehead I released that deep sigh of pleasure.  After being granted permission to rise and prepare Master's meal I continued to giggle to myself feeling that delicious sense of euphoria, a sensation I had not felt for quite some time.  I felt confident with our relationship and as I plunked my bottom down beside Master and felt him pull me close, pressing my head to his chest so that I could read the conversation he was having with the young woman, I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and I thanked Master for including me.  As the conversation progressed though I found myself confused because what Master was typing did not correspond to what I had shared the previous night.  I was surprised by his words because I had spent the day and previous night certain we were finally speaking the same language and yet, here we were, again, not understanding each other.

There was something unique in our conversation on Tuesday. Although there was one time when I felt slight moisture at the corners of my eyes, I truly did not feel tears as I have before. No, this time I felt frustration and power. Power to stand my ground. Power to stand up for what I want and not to compromise on areas that were crucial for my emotional well being.  The conversation was filled with misunderstandings; however, unlike times before I was not willing to cast aside my emotions, instead I wanted to talk about it until we had beaten it into the ground, until I knew for 100% certainty that we knew exactly what we wanted, what we did not want, what we were willing to accept, what we were not willing to accept because truthfully I was plain exhausted with the exchanges we had in the past and I was not willing to endure any more.  In my mind this was it: this one conversation would decide what would happen because I was unwilling to struggle anymore.  I did not know what the outcome would be and although I do not ever wish to hurt Master I also no longer wish to hurt myself and so I sat there, looking at Master, Master facing me and together we continued our conversation, growling on occasion at each other, feeling levels of frustration with each other.  We did not yell at each other, I do not recall voices raised, we spoke, we shared, I probed, I divulged and finally, for a reason I still do not understand, Master looked at me, smiled and said, "I get it".

I did not know how he finally "got it" and I was hesitant because I had heard him say that before and it turned out he really did not understand what I was saying nor I understood what he was saying and so I asked Master to explain it to me, to say it back to me so that I knew without any doubt that we at last were standing side by side, facing the same future together.  He did understand, he did "get it" and by the end of yet another lengthy conversation we found ourselves, sitting side by side, our lips feasting off of each other, our fingers dancing over our flesh, our bodies and our minds connected again.

The reality of bringing in a toy to play with has been nothing like the fantasies in my head.  It has been hard work, far more tears than I ever thought I could produce and a plethora of uncomfortable and painful emotions.  I have experienced doubt, insecurity, uncertainty, helplessness, exclusion, frustration, anger, love, passion, confusion and probably 100 more unlabeled sensations all of which have made me both happy and sad simultaneously.  Even though what I have endured has left me, at times,  feeling weak, undesirable and sad it has also, allowed me to learn that I did not love myself and move towards a place of self love along with showing me that I have the strength to believe in myself, stand up for myself and ask for what I deserve.  Lessons are not always easy, in fact, I find that I sometimes learn the most, have the greatest self awareness from those moments that challenge, test me and my own inner belief.   And although the lessons so far from this journey are too numerous to name, there is one in particular that stands out more than the rest: that communication really is the key to a successful relationship regardless of what type of a relationship I embrace.

When Master and I first spoke of bringing in a toy, what I heard, what I interpreted, what I desired, was not at all what Master had indeed been saying or wanting himself.  We have been having this discussion for years and in great detail over the past two years and yet what I heard was not what Master had said and what I said was not at all what Master had heard.  Our exchanges over the past years only proves how important it is to communicate effectively and if that means when having an important conversation each person repeats, "What I hear you saying is. . . " than I say do it.  I now know with Master that I will do just that so I completely understand his desires rather than putting my own spin on them.  Especially when it comes to matters of the heart and soul.

Clear expectations. A must.

Tuesday was exhausting but truly the most beneficial conversation, in my opinion, Master and I have had with regards to our choice of having a pet.  It was, in essence the first completely honest and understood conversation and I am grateful for it.  During those hours of sharing with one another, although we were not rude to each other or intentionally hurtful, we were honest, brutally honest and it felt good then and still feels good now that I did not hold back, that I remained true to myself (and although I do not like to speak on behalf of other people I am going to believe Master spoke from a similar place).

I shared every possible emotion and thought with Master.  I shared with him that it is difficult to see him engage with another woman and share with her the things that have been just ours.  I also shared though that it is exciting and arousing to watch him play with the toy, to take physical pleasure from her body, her whimpers, her struggles and her pain.  Because though there is a contradiction, I like it but I do not, I wanted, nay I needed somethings to be just his and mine, experiences that we do not share, that are not expressed with another.  Physical pleasure is something that I can share and desire to share; however, the emotional connection, the emotional journey I want for me and me alone. I do not wish for him to give that to another nor do I wish to give mine to another.  What stemmed this realisation was a moment on Sunday night when Master was holding the young woman, when he had his arms wrapped around her, cocooning her in a blanket of warmth, security and tenderness.  Although I did not comprehend my sadness during that time it did not take long to understand it later and once I could identify it I knew instantly that I was unwilling to share that part of our life with any other.  To have Master fuck, use, beat, train, discipline, consequence, torment, tease and laugh with I embrace.  To have Master spoon, envelope, engulf, caress, hold, keep close in a non sexual but rather sensual and intimate manner I want only for me, between me and my Master.  I think, nay I believe it is imperative for our relationship to have somethings sacred and the emotional intimacy is one of those that I need to be ours and ours alone.

My definitions of what I consider emotional intimacy is where I believe the confusion came into play for Master because although I believe the pet deserves cuddle time, to me, a head on a shoulder or on a knee or thigh with an arm draped around the pet is not emotional intimacy. That physical contact is merely the after care of being used, the necessary means to ensure the pet feels safe and has time to come down from a high so that the pet will desire to be used and played with again.  For me, this after care can easily take place with the pet at our feet, with her hugging our calves, feeling close in proximity but not sharing in the emotional intimacy which is exclusive for me and Master.  The aftercare also can take place with the pet on the floor before us, leaning against Master's or my legs, sitting quietly together or watching television. Just being together is downtime/aftercare for me and it is also the kind of aftercare that I feel comfortable with and embrace.

My general idea of a pet and a pets use were also slightly different from Masters for I wanted a pet to be someone who we enjoy, take pleasure from and who also receives pleasure but would not be someone who is part of everything we do.  I do not believe I am truly polyamourous nor does Master as I learned and therefore I did not wish to share such things as bed time with the pet.  Although we could all cuddle in a bed, fuck in bed, tease and torment in a bed, when it came to actual bed time I want to return to our room and share our space, to reconnect with just him and to sleep together.  Truly my version of a pet is just that, to have a pet. To have a girl sleep in a cage, to eat from a bowl, to meow, to crawl, to receive attention when we desired to give it to her not when she merely wanted it.  The pet is here to please us, and hopefully in return she will receive pleasure as well.  I have purposely placed emotional barriers with the young woman, the girl both Master and I refer to as pet, because she is not someone who will always be ours to tease, torment, train and enjoy; she will eventually find a Master for herself, a man just for her to love her, care for her, adore her and own her.  Because of all my thoughts and desires though I want emotional boundaries  both because I want some things between just Master and myself but also because pets are very different from lovers and I do not wish another lover in our relationship, but I do want a pet.

I care about the pet, I consistently look out for her well being, to ensure she is emotionally stable and secure but she is here to bring us pleasure and for us to take what we desire all while giving her all she craves and she does crave to be a pet, to be used, to experience everything she possibly can.  I think there was a turning point for both Master and myself when I was describing what I wanted in a pet and that was when Master, in his understandable frustration said to me, "slave, how do you expect the pet to just allow all these physical acts to be done to her without feeling trust and safety"?  Granted the question is reasonable and once more I did state that I did not want all physical after care to dissipate; however, my rebuttal to Master's comment came from a place of strong conviction, "Master, that first night when the pet came home with us and you played with her, spanked her until your hand bruised and her screams filled the house, when you shoved the glass plug up her ass cunt and made her cum she did not know you, she could only trust you from a gut feeling and yet she came back with us, allowed you to use her and with minimal aftercare and with no promise it would happen again. If the pet can play in that fashion, she can play, train and experience in the fashion I am speaking about".  I am not certain if Master fully accepted my words but I still believe they hold validity.  Granted, the more intense a scene is the more trust is needed and that trust comes with consistency and reassurance and that part of that reassurance comes from physical aftercare such as cuddling; however, the cuddling does not have to be emotionally intimate, it just needs to be physical contact.

In the end, I would have to say that what I want versus what Master wants is not 100% the same; however, we are now completely on the same path, hand in hand, moving forwards with clarity.  And we are not alone, the pet is with us, moving in the same direction with the same understanding because on Wednesday I went to visit the pet and we shared a very honest conversation as well.  Interestingly I was not nervous as I have been because I felt confident with my voice and my feelings and I knew that if the pet decided she did not wish to continue in the manner we were, that it would be her choice to stop and that she would be making her decision keeping her heart and mind safe.  I think I over explained her role with us and what we desired from her participation in our lives; however, in the end she stated she understood her place and wished to continue training with us.

It is not always easy to explain because as I recently learned no matter how much people communicate there is always room for error; however, for the first time since venturing down this windy road I feel confident in the relationship I share with Master and the exchanges we share with the pet. I also feel strong with myself and confident in who I am and what I am worth.  At one point during the conversation with the pet I had a moment where I finally gave myself permission to allow myself to rest, to allow myself to no longer validate my emotions but rather to simply have them.  I also came to the conclusion that when it comes to Master, myself and the pet I truly am the one person who has been consistent with communicating and it is now time for me to take a rest and trust that Master truly understands and knows what I want and need and for the pet to make the effort to communicate.  I have said my peace, I have asked for all I need and desire and Master has stated he has heard me, truly heard me and knows what my expectations and desires are and respects them and the pet has stated the same.  I will still communicate, I will still share and I will most certainly continue to ask and ask and ask.

I also have learned that I want to give and I want to try and I want to experience.  I have sheltered myself from experience and Master has permitted me to do so not because he does not care but rather because he cares about me that much.  Master and I have spoken numerous times about how he has granted me more freedom than he necessarily wants because he does not wish to damage me, because he wants me to want certain things so that I have pleasure.  Master loves me and does not want to break me and I feel blessed to have a Master who has such patience with me.  With that said though, I believe I no longer wish to have the same patience with myself. And I know that is not something new for me to say but each time I have said it, I have moved out of my shell just a little more and although I no longer wish to feel its weight upon my frame, I would like to keep it close by, as a reminder of just how far I have come and just how far I will continue to go.

There are only two guarantees in life: death and taxes.  However, there is hope and passion in absolutely everything I wish there to be and I have hope and I have passion for my future, for the future I share with Master, for all that I wish to explore and I know that I will not be that same girl I was months ago. I like who I am, I believe in who I am and I believe in the relationship I share with Master.  Sometimes the boat will rock and I can either fight against it or laugh and roll with the waves.  I have fought and it is what kept me safe and I will fight again if need be but for now, I think it might be fun to try the latter.

And having fun is exactly what Master and I did last night when we engaged a video conversation with the pet.  The exchange was very different from how it has been in the past for this time Master encouraged and even at times, demanded that I control the pet, that I command her to obey, to play with herself to bring herself to orgasm, to smack her breasts and over all physically and sexually stimulate her body all while Master and I spoke about her, sharing thoughts of what we would like to do with her, to do.  I felt empowered and yet controlled all at the same time and I believe it is that balance exactly that I need with regards to playing with the pet.  Although Master instructed me to control the pet, in all reality it was Master controlling her through me and that felt euphoric, felt like a rush I had never experienced before and yet was exactly what I had been craving and longing for.  I know that I can do absolutely everything Master commands me to do and I also know that the mere idea of being forced by Master to play, torture, tease the pet is intoxicating and makes me feel owned.  Makes me feel like Master's slave.  And I believe a little part of me has forgotten that.

I had forgotten my place, I had become to routine. This is something I had done, not something Master did or did not do. I had allowed myself to become comfortable in my role of housekeeper and food maker and laundry doer.  I had forgotten my desire, I had neglected my desires and I had allowed myself to believe I was not worth what I desired.  How foolish. How sad.

Relationships are work. They take time, effort, commitment, understanding, patience, humour, forgiveness, love and although my love for Master has not once dissipated, my confidence and my effort and my dedication to us, to my role, to my place as Masters' slave certainly has wanned and that is not acceptable; not to me, not to Master, not to the relationship we have worked so hard to have.  I want Master. I want to be his slave. I want to serve him and to receive pleasure from obeying him and giving to him and feeling his control and power over me. And I want to be a sexual beast, to feel Master bind my arms and wrists and hands, to keep me immobile, to hold me hostage just for his pleasure and to use me in any way and to ensure my body, the body he owns is prepared for him, to be ready to be used at all times even when I do not want it, especially when I do not want it.

I am my Master's slave.

~His

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