I can recall the first time I ever watched a pornographic movie.  I was in the seventh grade and I had been searching in my father's study for the book, Gray's Anatomy when I stumbled upon a black VHS cassette case.  It was not uncommon to come across a video while delving into my fathers numerous artifacts; however, for some reason I knew the moment I placed the plastic cover in my hands that I was holding something I should not be.

The house was still exceptionally quiet as it was early on a Sunday morning and I knew that my mum would be out for a couple more hours and my father and other siblings would be sleeping until at least noon.  Realistically I had time to walk the fifteen steps, slide the video into the VCR and watch what I was most certain was a movie unlike any I had ever seen before.  True to my curious self, I did just that, ensuring the volume was unreasonably low, not wishing to take any chances of having anyone hear what I was about to.

Prior to the discovery of this intimate and explicit movie, I  had, frequently so, flipped through numerous x-rated magazines, ranging from Playboy to Hustler but what came to life on the screen before my thirteen year old eyes was something I had never witnessed nor dreamed could be captured on film.  If I close my eyes now, I can see that very first image: a young dark haired woman sitting in what can only be described as a dentist chair.  Her arms and legs are bound  and her private, feminine, pink attributes exposed.  There is another woman, squatting before the helpless victim, she is holding what I know is a crop and as she places the tip of the black leather instrument into her slick entrance she speaks, her tone aggressive as she reminds the young woman why she is being punished, reinforcing the fact that it is her fault that she is being teased, tormented, smacked.  And she is indeed being spanked, desperately so.  With each swat upon the white flesh of the bound girls thighs, a hand print is left and after numerous minutes, tears are eventually shed.

My young mind was captivated by such a sight and even now as I recall my first introduction into pornography, I can feel my face flush, my skin glowing pink with warmth and arousal.  There were a few more scenes to flash across the screen before I heard my mother's voice and although each scene caused butterflies to surface, the exchange I witnessed between what I can only describe now as a submissive and Domme , continues to be one of my most powerful memories.

What strikes me the most when recalling that moment is how, even at that young age, it was not the physical acts or the raw nudity that took my breath away but rather the exchange between the sexual creatures.  With regards to my first induction although the nudity surprised me, what aroused me was the concept of control, or lack there of.  It was the conversation between the two women, the power surrendered and the voices which elicited such strength and vulnerability.

Although that was the first adult movie I had ever witnessed, it most certainly was not my last.  Unfortunately though, it was one of the better ones I have come across.  Truth be told I tend to find the vast majority of pornographic movies to lack in stimulation.  Looking at a cock or watching a woman hold her labia wide apart so that I can see as far inside her as possible does not arouse me. Nor does the image of a woman on her knees, her arms stretched behind her as she holds her cheeks apart so the camera can zoom in on her gaping back door hole. I receive no pleasure when watching a woman move to her knees as a man thrusts his cock deep into her mouth; or watching a man lap at a woman's cunt; or even witnessing the all too familiar  act of a rather gargantuan penis disappearing between a woman's thighs.

The mere witnessing of two (or more)  people engaging in sex; sexual intercourse; penetration of any hole is not what titillates me.  On the contrary I actually find it rather stale.  The majority of adult films, from what I have seen, consist of numerous repetitive scenes of sucking, licking, fucking and an end result of a man climaxing all over the woman/women he is surrounded by.  And much to my surprise, even the more alternative videos seem to follow a similar plot line.  Granted, the alternative sites such as kink.com , The Training of O and Sex and Submission (to name a small few), do offer a greater variety of sexual interactions, they still seem to focus a great deal on the physical manipulations rather than the emotional, the psychological.

And I understand why the industry of porn would spend far more time producing a video which captures sex and all its pleasurable debauchery rather than putting in the time and details of having two characters exchange something intimate, something psychological; however, it is that mental aspect which causes my body to ignite, causes my neurological orgasms.

It is rare that I come across a scene which makes me pause; however, there is one gentleman who I came across quite some time ago who, when he spoke stirred something inside of me: Mark Davis.  I do believe, but may be mistaken, that Mr. Davis has received most of his fame while working in kink/bdsm related videos. I know I first saw him while watching a scene from sex and submission and I must confess that it was his commanding and authoritative presence that created the sensual tremors throughout my mind and body.  The psychological interaction between Mark and the young woman was what captivated me, not the eventual thrusting and orgasmic release.

The truth is, watching emotionless fornication is similar to watching paint dry; both are mind numbing and quite frankly I require my neurological highway to be active in order to feel physical stimulation.  The majority of pornography in which I have seen generally consists of meshing body parts resulting in bodily fluids.  I do not find such acts mentally stimulating nor aesthetically pleasing. Personally I do not find the majority of porn to be artistic or creative. I have at times found certain aspects such as some rope work to be artistically pleasing, however, I do not find the exchanges between people to be artistic. I do believe that some acts involve a great deal of skill such as deep throating and or bending a body in half to be used in a rather acrobatic position but none of what I mentioned brings about any form of arousal in me.

When I think about my fantasies, my most intimate of thoughts which bring about the most intense states of arousal, every image involves some form of mental control, mental stimulation. When I think of behaviours Master elicits which cause me to crumble, so very rarely are they physical. The moments which cause my heart to stop beating, my breath to be lost deep within my lungs are those whispers where Masters' words ignite my imagination, where I catch Master watching me - as though he was binding me within my thoughts. In those moments when I hear the beast inside of Master, feel him inhaling my scent knowing full well that Master is doing everything in his power to control it, that is what causes the shivers to strum up and down my spine, to make me ache to please, to completely surrender.

I would be lying if I said that I have not been aroused by adult movies, the flesh is, after all weak.  However, the mind is strong and what brings me to sweet bliss is my imagination and hearing Masters quiet, almost whispered words as his warm breath trickles along my neck, reminding me that I am his, reassuring me that my thoughts, my desires belong to him.

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