Yesterday, after a long conversation with my Master and another long conversation with the young woman I took time to think about myself. What I found interesting is that as I looked back throughout my life I have spent a great deal of time apologising for who I am, for those individual character traits that make me, me. What is more fascinating is that no one person made me feel apologetic, I took that guilt all upon myself and just as I made that first decision to belittle my own feelings and judgments I am taking the power back and embracing those unique aspects of my personality. And I am doing it right now.

I am proud to be a slow mover. The pace in which I embrace life is absolutely wonderful and I truly believe I have not missed out on any experience because of my thoughtful, analytical mind. There are many people out there who are extreme risk takers. People like my Master who jump from a helicopter, land on a mountain top and ski to the bottom, always knowing there is a chance that the end results might lead to death. Or those wild people who swim with sharks and I mean actually swim, not just in a cage. Those diving excursions where at any given moment one of those majestic beasts might attack. And there are definitely those true risk takers, the ones who jump into a relationship full on after only knowing each other for days - those individuals who wear their hearts on their sleeves and give their love unconditionally, immediately.

Risk comes in many forms and throughout my life and especially over the last couple of weeks, I have been told that I am not a risk taker and I even started to believe it myself; however, that is simply not the case. My risks might not involve acts which could lead to death or losing a limb but I absolutely have jumped into a sea of mystery and uncertainty with no life vest to keep me a float. When thinking of my Master, one of the biggest risks I took was committing to him when we lived thousands and thousands of miles apart, when we lived in different countries, on different continents. I gave Master my love, I gave Master my body, I gave Master my mind and I gave Master my soul. I turned all control and complete ownership of my entire person to a man who lived a ten hour plane ride away from me. Talk about risky. In all honesty, I have taken many risks with regards to Master. Moving to Ontario to live with Master was a risk. Leaving my job, my financial security to be with Master was a huge risk but one I took happily to be with Master. And of course the biggest and most recent risk was when I lowered my age requirement for a potential toy and then accepting a young woman into our home, to play with her.

That risk, the risk of bringing in a third party to the relationship I share with Master is a gigantic risk because the hard, stone cold truth is there are no certainties, there are no 100% guarantees that the inclusion of another woman will go smoothly, will feel comfortable and will be accepted. And with every decision there is an outcome and no one person can state with certainty what that outcome will be.

Risks come in many different forms and perhaps a part of the reason why I choose to take calculated risks in my personal life is because at one time, the career I was involved in included a gratuitous amount of risk. Every day was a risk, where I worked, who I worked with and although with time and experience I was able to reduce some of that risk, it still existed and for the most part was completely out of my control. And although I absolutely love giving all control to my Master, outside of my relationship, when Master is not beside me, I like to have control, to feel a sense of strength knowing I have some power with regards to what happens to me.

My previous job certainly affects the risks I take now in my life but in all truth I have always been a rather calculated person. When I was little though the phrase "not a risk taker" were not the words I heard, I did hear people labeling me as "a serious little girl". And I was. A serious little girl. Very serious. I have been for as long as I can remember. Yesterday after work Master I approached Master in asking him to help me overcome my seriousness; however, after much thought I really do not see that I need to. Taking things seriously is not a negative trait, it is merely different from others, from my Master. I am very aware that I take my life seriously, this is not to be misinterpreted as me taking myself seriously, I can laugh at myself and enjoy my stumbles but life in general I do take seriously and truth be told I find nothing wrong with it. Just as I do not find there is anything wrong for those who are not as serious as me. We are all unique individuals, I would not want us to be clones of one another and the fact that some people are serious and other people are not simply gives balance to the world and as I have said many times, balance means everything.

Balance. Truthfully I have not allowed myself to have much internal balance. I most often argue with myself far more than I engage in debate with other people and yesterday as I spoke with Master and the young woman I realised part of my unbalanced state comes from my need to please, to put other peoples feelings before my own, for not asking for what I need and for keeping quiet when really I want to stand up for myself, to stand firm in my convictions and not apologise for having such thoughts.

Yesterday was probably the first true time that I did not hold back any feelings. Not from myself. Not from Master. Not from the young woman. The release from own internal bindings first came when the young woman approached me and asked me about giving me a title, a title which would compliment the title she wished to give Master. Although I am not really certain a title fits me yet as we do not own the young woman I was open to hearing her suggestions because if I have learned anything in the past month or so is that I do have tendency to say no before hearing a possibility. Before sharing my potential title, the young woman shared the title she wished to have for Master. The moment I read the screen with the words "mein Herr" I immediately felt a rather intense and wretched sensation in the pit of my gut. This was the very first time, since that first night when the young woman came to our home, that I felt such a volatile sensation inside of myself. Although I had a suspicion that the word "mein" meant "my" I wanted to pause and ask its meaning because I know myself well enough that I often jump to conclusions before knowing all of the facts. With shaking fingers I typed the small sentence, "what does that mean" and at first the young woman replied "Sir" but after being more specific she replied with "my Sir". Without hesitation I shared with the young woman that I was not comfortable with that title, that I was not comfortable with any title regarding possessiveness and that I would discuss said matter with Master.

While still conversing with the young woman I sent an e-mail to Master explaining my feelings. The way in which the young woman had shared with me how she came to the title of "mein Herr" left me feeling isolated from such a major decision and I was hurt, especially after writing such a lengthy and detailed entry regarding my need to be included on all decisions regarding the young woman, that my need to be included in all activities is critical for me to be comfortable with everything that is happening. Due to Master being at work, we were unable to speak directly but the e-mail expressed my feelings accurately and I was confident he and I would speak in more detail later.

This one shared moment between the young woman and myself opened up a door of opportunity to really speak with one another. After sharing the title she had wanted for Master she then shared the ones for me. The first was "Herren" which is the feminine alternative to "Herr" and although the translation is not fully accurate it roughly means "Sir" but in female version. The second title is "Dame" which is not pronounced in the English version but the meaning is the same, "Lady". Dame to me is an old woman's title and so I was not comfortable with that nor was I comfortable with "Herren" for I feel as though that title, "Herren" comes with some level of possessiveness and I find it interesting just how many times I need to say I am not ready for Master and I to have any possession over the young woman, not yet! In many ways, when I learned of such titles I could not help but feel as though neither the young woman nor Master had truly been listening to all I had shared. In the end I decided that the young woman shall continue to call me by my first name, unless Master truly has concerns with it and if he does then together, the three of us will come up with a title that is suitable.

The exchange between the young woman and myself, although not overly lengthy was significant, at least for me. I was able to express my feelings in a honest manner and although we both share in our frustrations, hers regarding my slow pace, mine regarding her fast pace, we both acknowledged that the positive possibilities outweigh the frustration we are both experiencing. I believe that conversation with the young woman was probably the most honest one I have shared with her and even though it was hard for me to be honest I did open myself and let the young woman know that I truly feel as though I do not know her and that from what I do know of her, I have learned that we do not share many similarities, in fact on many levels we are exact opposites. This expulsion of honesty was difficult to admit because I did not want to hurt her feelings, not saying that my words would but I just do not like the idea of causing any one person any feelings of uncomfortableness, it just does not feel right to do so. (This does not mean I consider myself to be saint, lord knows I am not but I do care about others and try very hard to take other peoples feelings into consideration before speaking.)

After the end of two different conversations, the young woman and I agreed that we would spend some time together, doing non play activities so that we can learn more about each other, so that I can get to know her better. This direction was slightly pushed by Master but regardless of how it came to be I am looking forward to just getting to know her. I really feel I need to make a connection with the young woman in order for all three of us to move forward with this relationship.

The honesty in which I expressed while speaking with the young woman only continued when Master and I finally had a chance to speak. I really wanted to speak with Master, I did not wish to keep my hurt feelings all gnarled upside of me. Obviously Master could tell by the tone of the message I had sent him that something was off kilter. The moment I picked up the phone and heard his voice I knew he was uncertain about where my feelings were coming from. Master and I take a completely different view on possessiveness. I think part of that is because of the weight we put on such feelings. Having possession of someone is monumental to me. Expressing a level of possessiveness with someone is huge. Gigantic really. Now I respect not everyone feels this way and to each his/her own but to me, when Master took full possession over me it was one of the most intense and emotional moments of my life and still is to this day. When I accepted Master as my owner, as the person who possessed my very being; when I called Master, "my Master" that was a turning point in my life and a level of possessiveness I do not share with any other human being. I do not call anyone else "my Master" or "my Sir". In fact I very rarely use the word "my" because to have that level of attachment is extremely special and rare. I can say that my mum is just that, "my mum". There is no other female on this earth who has that title from me just as "my dad" and "my sisters" and "my brother" and so on and so forth. I do not even use the title of "my" with certain friends because I do not feel the same level of attachment. The word "my" means something substantial, it carries great weight. And it is because of the power of the word "my" that I felt incredibly hurt that the title of "mein Herr" was even a possibility. Master and I must have gone in a dozen circles, me trying to explain to him the significance of said title and Master simply not understanding what the big deal was. It was also during the conversation that I learned that Master did not say yes to the idea of "mein Herr" and that he had actually told the young woman to investigate some titles and once she had Master would consider them. I was still not overly comfortable with that as I felt I was still excluded from the decision making but hearing Masters words did ease me ever so slightly. I was still not happy though that the idea of such a title would even be a possibility. I think what really hit a deep nerve was that from all Master had shared he had not taken into consideration how I would feel with such a title. It truly felt as though my feelings, my reaction to such a possessive title had not even flashed through Masters mind - no concept of even bringing the topic to me to think about. In the end the conversation about said titles simply spun in circles and so Master ended it by saying that the young woman would need to find a different title.

That conversation was important to have and I am still shocked that I stood up for myself in the manner I did. I can say with great certainty that if that same conversation had happened two months ago I most likely would have kept my feelings buried deep inside and would have allowed my hurt feelings to go unexpressed. And what an injustice that would have been; for me and for the relationship I share with Master.

That conversation with Master was not the only surprise I encountered for it was during some down time, Master stretched out on the sofa, me on the floor in front of him where Master and I were speaking of the next visit we will have with the young woman. Master had given me permission to pick the date of our next visit and my first choice was this weekend; however, the young woman was not available. I could have picked Hallowe'en weekend; however, Master had promised me that I could give out treats and that I could watch a scary movie and I have been really looking forward to those activities. Hallowe'en is not a big day for Master, in fact he has stated on numerous occasions that he thinks it is ridiculous; however, Hallowe'en has always been a fun day for me and brings about many memories and I really just like being a part of the events. And because of my excitement over such a date I did not want to have an evening where I was thinking about how the young woman was feeling, how Master was feeling and ensuring the two of them were having a good time. On a more selfish note though I also did not want to have to sacrifice my trick o' treat fun and the truth is, if the young woman was in our home, things would be different.

When I shared my reasons to Master he looked at me as though I was some kind of crazy person. Without any hesitation Master stated: "there are many other rooms to play with her". As I heard Masters words I felt incredibly puzzled. How was it possible that Master could even think of playing with the young woman when I was not around? I felt discombobulated, my mind searching through my memories of what I had shared with him directly, what I had shared through my journals. I was in disbelief that after all I had shared, Master still felt that playing with the young woman without me was okay. Without any hesitation I began to speak. I told Master that I did not wish for either of us to play with the young woman when the other is not present. That what we do, we do together. I was confused, truly confused because I thought I had opened myself up to Master, had exposed my feelings in the more raw of ways and yet Master had just said he would not have any problem playing with the young woman when I was not a participant.

Our conversation moved back and forth from me saying I did not want Master to play without him and Master stating he did not understand why I felt that way. At one point Master made the comment that we should just call it quits and I believe I surprised him when I agreed. Because the truth is, if I am not a part of all activities it will not work. I will not feel comfortable. I will feel left out. I will feel as though there is something shared between just the young woman and Master and for me the sharing is between all three of us, nothing inclusive between just the young woman and Master. This was the first time I had agreed to end the exchange with the young woman. During conversations prior to that one I had always made a point of stating that I wanted things to continue, that I would try hard to make things work and so on and so forth. This time I did not. The truth is, playing without me makes me feel sad. Very sad. I think what really surprises me though is that I would never think to play with the young woman without Master present. The idea simply does not cross my mind, never has.

I could tell Master was frustrated with my perspective and to try to show his side he made the comment that since Master and I are to do everything together with the young woman than perhaps he should take time off of work to come shopping with us. I did not even pause as I told him that I had invited him to do just that, that we would shop after he was finished work so we could do it together. I do not exclude Master from anything I share with the young woman. I even send Master the online conversations the young woman and I have. I tell Master absolutely everything that transpires between the young woman and myself. I do this without him asking and truth is, he would not ask. He does not need to be included. But I do. I want to be included. This does not mean I do not trust Master with the young woman. Master and the young woman engage in long conversations every night, sometimes four to five hour long conversations. I do not ask what they are speaking about. I do not ask to read Masters conversations. Master and the young woman speak periodically throughout the day, they text each other. I do not ask to read any of what they share. I trust Master. I trust Master to keep his word. I trust Master with my heart. There have been times when Master will pick the young woman up while I stay home or drive the young woman back to her home and I crawl into bed. It is not about Master and the young woman not having time together, to share, to converse. Talking is one thing, playing is something altogether different. I trust that if something transpires through the conversations Master and the young woman are sharing that Master will share it with me. If the young woman asks for Master and myself to take some form of control over her life, such as a bed time or study time or what have you, I trust that Master will share that with me. Trust is not the issue. Being excluded is my concern. Being excluded is what hurts me. Truly what I am trying to express is that I do not wish for there to be anything private between Master and the young woman or myself and the young woman. There will always be times when Master and I will have private moments, moments that we may never share with anyone else but I do not wish for there to ever be private experiences between myself and the young woman or Master and the young woman.

Over the course of the evening I think I was able to explain myself a little better when I told Master that my feelings regarding being included with all activities most likely will change. If the time comes and we own the young woman, the reality is she will be in our home more often and eventually I will be working and as much as it probably seems from all the writing I do, I really do have other interests, interests outside of my home, of my relationship with Master. I like to work out, I like to go to the library, I like to go for my walks, to engage with many people and there will be times when I am not home and Master and the young woman will be and I would not expect them not to engage in, what at that time, will be everyday common activities. Not only do I believe this will happen, this is what I want to happen. I would want the interactions between me and the young woman, Master and the young woman and Master, myself and the young woman to be natural, ever flowing. But that is for the future. Right now I want complete inclusion to all activities and important decisions. I want to be included with what is happening because the truth is if I am not included I truly do feel sad. Not just sad but actually lonely.

(I think it is important to add that when that day comes when I do not feel as though both Master and I need to be present for any physical exchanges to take place, I would want that whatever physical activity did take place would be shared: Master telling me what happened and I telling Master should he be the one not present.)

It is not easy to confess all of my emotions. I feel kind of like a baby, needing attention. Still, even saying that I know that if I do not express myself with honesty I will not continue my journey of loving myself, of liking myself and that is something I really want. I want to be a good person, a happy person and I also really want to be a wonderful slave for my Master.

The experience Master and I are embracing is one that does come with a few bumps along the road but I have complete faith that together Master and I will work through them. That with patience for each other we will move forward and be better for it, happy for it.

~His

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