Briefs. And not the kind under your clothing.

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About forty minutes ago I read Masters most recent entry. Needless to say I experienced emotion, tears, yet again and to be honest I am getting pretty tired of feeling as much as I do. This entry though is not about my emotions nor what lead to my outburst which Master had to pause from his daily activities and hold my hand through, no this in on brief reflection regarding how different Master and I approach the young woman.

I was not, nor am I surprised that Master has a protective approach with regards to the young woman. I believe Master is naturally a nurturer, although I am not so certain he would agree. Generally I am a nurturer as well, always have been and many people have commented on my maternal/care giver approach. As natural as that instinct is for me, with this young woman I am not. Not because I do not feel that way but because in order for me to take pleasure from our experiences, I must remove that aspect of who I am. I must pull away from the nurturer and have a more hedonistic approach, a selfish approach, a greedy approach.

I realise as I type this how awful that sounds but it is the truth. I need to view this young woman as toy, not as someone I am to care for, ensure she is fulfilled and happy. Now, this does not mean I want her unhappy. ABSOLUTELY NOT! I want her to gain pleasure from the experiences, I want her to walk away after each day we spend together with a smile on her face and a positive, healthy feeling deep inside of her. But, unlike any other relationship, I am not the one to ensure this. I have to leave this to Master. I need to keep that part of me separate from this young woman because if I do not I will not be able to get what I want out of the experience - my own pleasure. My sadistic side will not come to life if I am constantly worrying about her feelings, ensuring she feels safe and comfortable and wanting everything. I think that is also why I ask so many questions and I do ask questions. It is almost as though I want a script of sorts, which I know is unrealistic, but I want the know what is okay with her and what is not. I want to know before I spank her that I can spank her. I want to know before I tease her and not allow her to cum that she wants that as well. I want to know it all before hand so I can prepare, plan, organize my thoughts and actions prior to acting them out.

I believe I desire this because it is a form of control for me and if I have learned anything I want a little control. It makes me feel empowered. It makes me feel safe. I do not need control with Master. Not at all. In fact I want no control when it comes to Master but when it comes to this young woman and anyone else Master and I may play with, I want some control. I want to feel as though I have different rights than her. I know it sounds ridiculous. I know it sounds absurd, but that is what I want and having some control gives me that.

After reading Masters entry, which I greatly appreciated because I find it always helpful to know what Master is thinking and feeling, I learned that unlike Master, I require a little emotional distance from this young woman as I might from all women Master and I may engage with. This does not mean I do not want to be friends, on the contrary, I absolutely do want to be friends. I want to sit with this young woman, laugh about life, share stories and do all those other things but I do need some level of emotional distance in order to fully live out my sadistic side.

How very different my approach is compared to Masters.

I am a rather over emotional person, so I am learning and unlike what I thought for all those years, I truly do wear my feelings on my sleeve and that has left me raw. Completely raw.

I am not saying raw is negative either, it simply is what it is.

~His

Slave musings