A slaves self discovery.

House Rules. »« Listen and Obey. Envelope 7.

A slaves self discovery.

Rating: 7.0/7 (3 votes cast)

Slowly I have started to process the events and the consequences to the actions which took place last weekend. Master and I have engaged in lengthy conversations about what we both want and about my feelings with regards to what took place and what will take place in the future. More than that though I was able to share a new experience with Master, one that involved a great deal of physical pain and pleasure. To begin, Monday was a day of connecting. I greeted Master, as he returned from work, at the door with the pink rubber ball gag firmly placed between my lips. I could tell by the smile in his eyes that he was pleased with predicament and as he bent down he wrapped his arms around me and just held me. There are not words great enough to explain how that felt; to be received by Master in such a loving way.

Monday had been an extremely emotional day for me. I had spent hours exposing my true feelings within the virtual walls of my journal. I had accepted my internal sadness and had spent the day grieving for a loss I was not aware of until our Saturday experience.

Immediately after Master released me from his strong grip we both moved to the sofa where we sat together, me kneeling between his legs, his fingers strumming across my back. But something was different. I felt something stir within me and Master must have felt it as well because soon his tender caresses became light swats which turned into harder spanks and before long my ass was red and I was energized with lust and passion and a desire to serve Master. And I did. I devoured his cock with my lips, my tongue my throat cunt and when he came I gulped as much of his cum as could. I remember feeling the tingles rise up over my warm bottom and into the breasts Master had only recently pinched, twisted, smacked. I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom while Master used me and I knew as I knelt beside him that we were speaking a language we had never shared before.

I was most certain that what I had experienced Monday with Master was not something I could endure the following day. How incredibly wrong I was. Master had Tuesday off and we spent the morning together surfing online, watching some television and general every day activities. At approximately 1:18pm Master decided it was time to go toy shopping and happily I accompanied him. Our first visit was to the store, Aren't we Naughty. I was happy to discover that this establishment actually carried some kink gear and Master was delighted to find pink and white latex tape. During our exploration, Master found the blue g-spot accessory for the Hitachi Wand as well as an anal vibrating plug and of course countless batteries.

On our drive home we came across our other toy store, Love Craft, and Master being in a shopping mood decided we needed even more toys. As we made our way through the shop Master found another Hitachi accessory, another blue straight insertable used for penetration. He also found black and purple latex tape and was happy to add that to our list.

I was not aware, nor do I believe Master was that the trip to our toy stores would bring out a sense of arousal and experimentation inside me. I wish I had the exact memory as to how it all played out but I am happy to say I am unable to because I was submersed in raw, explicit sensations. What I can recall is that Master was spanking me, hard and yet I wanted more. I remember pulling my pants down, feeling his hand hit my flesh and knowing it was hurting. As I sit here I can not help but laugh at just how scattered those memories are. I do know that I was hesitant when I heard Master pull out the Hitachi wand. I have had resentment towards it since my first lack of orgasm and I was in a head space of feeling good about myself. Truly I just did not want to experience any form of disappointment. Also I was still having my period and I am uncomfortable with my menstrual blood. I tend to feel dirty when I am bleeding even though Master is not remotely bothered by it.

I could feel the sting on my ass as Masters palm smacked me and my mind stayed with that sensation as Master slowly teased my cunt lips with the new accessory. I know that he pushed the thin curve into my cunt and I felt a rush of pleasure. If I am correct I actually backed up on it, wanting it to press harder against whatever it was that was making me feel as good as I was. Master alternated his attention from spanking my ass and thighs to pressing the tip of the vibrating tormentor deep within my slick walls. At one point though I felt a flush rise to my cheeks for I knew I was leaking blood down my thighs. Previous to this experience I would have been horrified. I would have jumped up, cleaned myself off, washed the floor and not wanted to discuss the situation, hoping Master would forget about the entire scene. This time though I remained on all fours and just breathed. I waited for Master to clean me and once he had wiped away as much as he could I was permitted to stand and move to the washroom where I could clean the rest. There truly was not that much blood and as I looked down at the thin streaks of red staining my flesh I felt a foreign sense of arousal. I felt primal. And I did not want to stop. No instead I wanted more. So much more.

Still being practical, even in my altered state, I grabbed a towel and returned downstairs where I was instructed to lay down and continue using the g-spot accessory deep inside me. I hesitated, but the doubt was so minor, the pause so tiny that I am certain even as I was saying no I was obeying. I slipped the curved toy deep inside and tried with all might to hit that exact same spot. I never did find that pleasure spot; however, once granted permission I pressed the tip of the extended toy between my lips, not touching my clit, shielding it still for the intensity of direct vibrations still hurt.

But this new spot did not hurt. Not at all. No. This new spot felt amazing. Orgasmically amazing. And that is just what happened after much time and patience. I climaxed. Now I will not sugar coat this moment with untruth sentiments. My orgasm was quiet, small and was not nearly as strong as the ones I generally experience but I did cum. I remember moving towards Master, wrapping my arms around him, almost clinging to him and crying. These were not painful tears though. These were not the same tears I had shed Monday morning. These tears were the result of feeling just a little bit of that usefulness I truly believed I never had. It was all I could to thank Master, to whisper in his ear that I am not useless before I melted into his arms, unable to speak. Completely charged with love.

Master never let me go. He held me, soothed me and soon after my release I felt Masters hand sting my already slightly tender bottom. And the harder he hit, the consistent his swats the more I wanted. Master worked my flesh over but still I wanted more, ached for more and with permission I moved upstairs and retrieved more toys for Master to use on me. I brought the Masters soft brown flogger, the black cane, the brown paddle, the black diamond paddle, Masters crop, a small snake style slapper and the black paddle with the word "loved" carved out of the leather.

I believe I surprised Master by my choices but I knew he was pleased. I wanted this. I was not doing this to please him. I wanted this. Quickly I moved to my knees and presented all of the toys. As strong as I felt there was still uncertainty lingering in my heart and so I asked Master to help me be brave. He simply smiled at my words and asked, "Do you need to be brave to obey me"? I needed no time to ponder. Instead I simply nodded and spoke clearly, "no". With that Master instructed me to pick a toy at which point I picked the flogger. I needed to feel something soft against my warm skin. Master moved me to the wall where I bent over, pressed my palms against the carpet and felt the first of many lashes against my ass and thighs. I felt calm as the leather straps slapped against me and even though a few twinges were felt, overall I endured no pain, not until I moved to the floor, bent my head to the ground and felt the first of many smacks. Without direction I turned to my Mantra, reciting it over and over again. When the pain became intense I simply said the words louder. Sometimes when Master was hitting a tender spot, slightly close to my side, I repeated only part of my Mantra, "Obedience is pleasure. Pleasure is Obedience". I must have spoke those words a hundred times and unbeknownst to me, they helped.

I felt I could have endured more. I felt as though I could handle anything Master wished to expose me to. Simply focusing on my Mantra, understanding it and believing it I felt empowered. Once the last smack was given, Master pulled me close, pressing my head to his chest. Once more I clung to him, feeling his heartbeat inside my body. I did it! I had asked for the spankings. I had asked for pain and I took pleasure from the experience, I did not simply endure it. As my mind was soaring, Master guided my mouth to his cock and I greedily slipped it between my lips, sucking furiously. My lips held his flesh deep, pushing him into my throat cunt, choking without panic. I was in a state of euphoria and there was nothing I could not do. As I held fast to my ravishing I heard those sweet moans and I knew the moment Master gripped my hair that he was about to cum. And I drank every last drop. I barely paused long enough to take a breath before my throat cunt sucked him back down, feasting on his spent cock. Eventually Master pulled me up, kissing me softly, telling me with his eyes how proud he was of me. And for the first time in a long time I was proud of myself. I felt a connection with my body, with my sexuality and in turn felt closer to Master.

Last night was not solely about sexual exploration and fulfillment. Last night was about learning to love myself again. To find what I believe in, what I appreciate in myself and I am incredibly grateful for that gift, for Masters gift.

Loving oneself is not about feeling anothers love but about feeling love deep inside oneself. To understand who I am and to embrace that soul not just accept it.

~His

Slave musings