Slowly I have star­ted to pro­cess the events and the con­sequences to the actions which took place last week­end. Master and I have engaged in lengthy con­ver­sa­tions about what we both want and about my feel­ings with regards to what took place and what will take place in the future. More than that though I was able to share a new exper­i­ence with Master, one that involved a great deal of phys­ical pain and pleas­ure. To begin, Monday was a day of con­nect­ing. I greeted Master, as he returned from work, at the door with the pink rub­ber ball gag firmly placed between my lips. I could tell by the smile in his eyes that he was pleased with pre­dic­a­ment and as he bent down he wrapped his arms around me and just held me. There are not words great enough to explain how that felt; to be received by Master in such a lov­ing way.

Monday had been an extremely emo­tional day for me. I had spent hours expos­ing my true feel­ings within the vir­tual walls of my journal. I had accep­ted my internal sad­ness and had spent the day griev­ing for a loss I was not aware of until our Saturday experience.

Immediately after Master released me from his strong grip we both moved to the sofa where we sat together, me kneel­ing between his legs, his fin­gers strum­ming across my back. But some­thing was dif­fer­ent. I felt some­thing stir within me and Master must have felt it as well because soon his tender caresses became light swats which turned into harder spanks and before long my ass was red and I was ener­gized with lust and pas­sion and a desire to serve Master. And I did. I devoured his cock with my lips, my tongue my throat cunt and when he came I gulped as much of his cum as could. I remem­ber feel­ing the tingles rise up over my warm bot­tom and into the breasts Master had only recently pinched, twis­ted, smacked. I felt an over­whelm­ing sense of free­dom while Master used me and I knew as I knelt beside him that we were speak­ing a lan­guage we had never shared before.

I was most cer­tain that what I had exper­i­enced Monday with Master was not some­thing I could endure the fol­low­ing day. How incred­ibly wrong I was. Master had Tuesday off and we spent the morn­ing together surf­ing online, watch­ing some tele­vi­sion and gen­eral every day activ­it­ies. At approx­im­ately 1:18pm Master decided it was time to go toy shop­ping and hap­pily I accom­pan­ied him. Our first visit was to the store, Aren’t we Naughty. I was happy to dis­cover that this estab­lish­ment actu­ally car­ried some kink gear and Master was delighted to find pink and white latex tape. During our explor­a­tion, Master found the blue g-spot access­ory for the Hitachi Wand as well as an anal vibrat­ing plug and of course count­less batteries.

On our drive home we came across our other toy store, Love Craft, and Master being in a shop­ping mood decided we needed even more toys. As we made our way through the shop Master found another Hitachi access­ory, another blue straight insert­able used for pen­et­ra­tion. He also found black and purple latex tape and was happy to add that to our list.

I was not aware, nor do I believe Master was that the trip to our toy stores would bring out a sense of arousal and exper­i­ment­a­tion inside me. I wish I had the exact memory as to how it all played out but I am happy to say I am unable to because I was sub­mersed in raw, expli­cit sen­sa­tions. What I can recall is that Master was spank­ing me, hard and yet I wanted more. I remem­ber pulling my pants down, feel­ing his hand hit my flesh and know­ing it was hurt­ing. As I sit here I can not help but laugh at just how scattered those memor­ies are. I do know that I was hes­it­ant when I heard Master pull out the Hitachi wand. I have had resent­ment towards it since my first lack of orgasm and I was in a head space of feel­ing good about myself. Truly I just did not want to exper­i­ence any form of dis­ap­point­ment. Also I was still hav­ing my period and I am uncom­fort­able with my men­strual blood. I tend to feel dirty when I am bleed­ing even though Master is not remotely bothered by it.

I could feel the sting on my ass as Masters palm smacked me and my mind stayed with that sen­sa­tion as Master slowly teased my cunt lips with the new access­ory. I know that he pushed the thin curve into my cunt and I felt a rush of pleas­ure. If I am cor­rect I actu­ally backed up on it, want­ing it to press harder against whatever it was that was mak­ing me feel as good as I was. Master altern­ated his atten­tion from spank­ing my ass and thighs to press­ing the tip of the vibrat­ing tor­mentor deep within my slick walls. At one point though I felt a flush rise to my cheeks for I knew I was leak­ing blood down my thighs. Previous to this exper­i­ence I would have been hor­ri­fied. I would have jumped up, cleaned myself off, washed the floor and not wanted to dis­cuss the situ­ation, hop­ing Master would for­get about the entire scene. This time though I remained on all fours and just breathed. I waited for Master to clean me and once he had wiped away as much as he could I was per­mit­ted to stand and move to the wash­room where I could clean the rest. There truly was not that much blood and as I looked down at the thin streaks of red stain­ing my flesh I felt a for­eign sense of arousal. I felt primal. And I did not want to stop. No instead I wanted more. So much more.

Still being prac­tical, even in my altered state, I grabbed a towel and returned down­stairs where I was instruc­ted to lay down and con­tinue using the g-spot access­ory deep inside me. I hes­it­ated, but the doubt was so minor, the pause so tiny that I am cer­tain even as I was say­ing no I was obey­ing. I slipped the curved toy deep inside and tried with all might to hit that exact same spot. I never did find that pleas­ure spot; how­ever, once gran­ted per­mis­sion I pressed the tip of the exten­ded toy between my lips, not touch­ing my clit, shield­ing it still for the intens­ity of dir­ect vibra­tions still hurt.

But this new spot did not hurt. Not at all. No. This new spot felt amaz­ing. Orgasmically amaz­ing. And that is just what happened after much time and patience. I cli­maxed. Now I will not sugar coat this moment with untruth sen­ti­ments. My orgasm was quiet, small and was not nearly as strong as the ones I gen­er­ally exper­i­ence but I did cum. I remem­ber mov­ing towards Master, wrap­ping my arms around him, almost cling­ing to him and cry­ing. These were not pain­ful tears though. These were not the same tears I had shed Monday morn­ing. These tears were the res­ult of feel­ing just a little bit of that use­ful­ness I truly believed I never had. It was all I could to thank Master, to whis­per in his ear that I am not use­less before I melted into his arms, unable to speak. Completely charged with love.

Master never let me go. He held me, soothed me and soon after my release I felt Masters hand sting my already slightly tender bot­tom. And the harder he hit, the con­sist­ent his swats the more I wanted. Master worked my flesh over but still I wanted more, ached for more and with per­mis­sion I moved upstairs and retrieved more toys for Master to use on me. I brought the Masters soft brown flog­ger, the black cane, the brown paddle, the black dia­mond paddle, Masters crop, a small snake style slap­per and the black paddle with the word “loved” carved out of the leather.

I believe I sur­prised Master by my choices but I knew he was pleased. I wanted this. I was not doing this to please him. I wanted this. Quickly I moved to my knees and presen­ted all of the toys. As strong as I felt there was still uncer­tainty linger­ing in my heart and so I asked Master to help me be brave. He simply smiled at my words and asked, “Do you need to be brave to obey me”? I needed no time to pon­der. Instead I simply nod­ded and spoke clearly, “no”. With that Master instruc­ted me to pick a toy at which point I picked the flog­ger. I needed to feel some­thing soft against my warm skin. Master moved me to the wall where I bent over, pressed my palms against the car­pet and felt the first of many lashes against my ass and thighs. I felt calm as the leather straps slapped against me and even though a few twinges were felt, over­all I endured no pain, not until I moved to the floor, bent my head to the ground and felt the first of many smacks. Without dir­ec­tion I turned to my Mantra, recit­ing it over and over again. When the pain became intense I simply said the words louder. Sometimes when Master was hit­ting a tender spot, slightly close to my side, I repeated only part of my Mantra, “Obedience is pleas­ure. Pleasure is Obedience”. I must have spoke those words a hun­dred times and unbe­knownst to me, they helped.

I felt I could have endured more. I felt as though I could handle any­thing Master wished to expose me to. Simply focus­ing on my Mantra, under­stand­ing it and believ­ing it I felt empowered. Once the last smack was given, Master pulled me close, press­ing my head to his chest. Once more I clung to him, feel­ing his heart­beat inside my body. I did it! I had asked for the spank­ings. I had asked for pain and I took pleas­ure from the exper­i­ence, I did not simply endure it. As my mind was soar­ing, Master guided my mouth to his cock and I greed­ily slipped it between my lips, suck­ing furi­ously. My lips held his flesh deep, push­ing him into my throat cunt, chok­ing without panic. I was in a state of euphoria and there was noth­ing I could not do. As I held fast to my rav­ish­ing I heard those sweet moans and I knew the moment Master gripped my hair that he was about to cum. And I drank every last drop. I barely paused long enough to take a breath before my throat cunt sucked him back down, feast­ing on his spent cock. Eventually Master pulled me up, kiss­ing me softly, telling me with his eyes how proud he was of me. And for the first time in a long time I was proud of myself. I felt a con­nec­tion with my body, with my sexu­al­ity and in turn felt closer to Master.

Last night was not solely about sexual explor­a­tion and ful­fill­ment. Last night was about learn­ing to love myself again. To find what I believe in, what I appre­ci­ate in myself and I am incred­ibly grate­ful for that gift, for Masters gift.

Loving one­self is not about feel­ing anoth­ers love but about feel­ing love deep inside one­self. To under­stand who I am and to embrace that soul not just accept it.

~His

Instruction Sheet

These instruc­tions are for the 25th of September 2009.

Today is the 25th of September 2009 and you have removed these instruc­tions from a sealed envelop you received from your Owner.

Your instruc­tions are as fol­lows, unless oth­er­wise stated you will imme­di­ately after read­ing this sheet execute the instruc­tions given to the best of your abilities.

Listen and Obey!

You will retrieve your full leather hood, the one which you can be com­pletely closed off. You will retrieve a ball-gag. You will retrieve your pink and white ben-wa balls and the glass anal plug. You will retrieve hand­cuffs and the ankle leather restraints with the steel spreader bar.

You will take all of these imple­ments and go to the base­ment. You will insert the toys into your respect­ive holes, you may use appro­pri­ate amounts of lub­ric­a­tion. You will then wear the hood and secure the ball gag. You will then attach the spread bar and the ankle cuffs and finally you will lock your wrists in the hand cuffs.

You will kneel before the cross and repeat your slave Mantra in your head 50 times. You will do so slowly. After fin­ish­ing the Mantra you will close your eyes and wait 20 minutes. You may then remove all the bond­age imple­ments and every toy. You may con­tinue your day.

There are no more instruc­tions. Obey!

Ironic?

Of all the days, of all the tasks, the sev­enth envel­ope involves the dreaded glass dildo butt plug. I would have liked a cam­era to cap­ture my expres­sion as my eyes scanned Masters’ words. I sat motion­less. My eyes still moist, my cheeks streaked from tears, my body exhausted and trem­bling from the flow­ing sobs that escaped me while I typed my pre­vi­ous post. I had not cried like that since my nephew passed. I had to pause numer­ous times while I shared my exper­i­ence — moments where my shoulders shook and the cries that rose up through my lungs soun­ded for­eign. I think it was the first time in a very long that that I held no reserve; I was not strong in those moments and I was okay with it then and I am okay with it now. It was my release. A release I treasure.

I believed that there was noth­ing left inside of me to leak out and yet when I read Masters words I felt the tears cloud my vis­ion. I could not help but won­der if it was a karmic test — to show myself my own strength, my own worth. I felt scared though and so I rose, dialed Masters num­ber and asked him for help. I asked him for encour­age­ment and it was only when I heard the smile in his tone as he said, “I know you can do it baby girl. And if it does not work out you tried and that is all that mat­ters. That you try”. Interestingly the words which gave me the cour­age were, “you try”. I have a ter­rible habit of simply not attempt­ing out of fear of fail­ure and as I heard Master say those two little words I knew I had to do it.

After hear­ing him tell me he loves me I moved slowly upstairs, retriev­ing all the neces­sary tools and walked down­stairs to the base­ment. I shivered but not out of fear rather chill. I took a deep breath, released it with great care and watched as the silky lube coated the clear plug. I did not hes­it­ate, I did not pause for recon­sid­er­a­tion. No. Instead I arched my back, whispered to myself to try and slowly slid the sleek tip into my asscunt. I did not allow myself to think, rather I placed all my atten­tion on push­ing the plug in, mak­ing my body push out and remind­ing myself that I can do this.

And I did. The dildo was cocooned within my muscles and I clenched, just once to feel if it truly was all the way in. And it was. I could barely believe it and the giggles that floated up through my lungs reminded me of how won­der­ful it feels to suc­ceed. I con­tin­ued with a smile upon my face, ensur­ing the cuffs and ankle restraints were secure. The hood and gag felt deli­cious on my skin and as I moved to the cross, kneel­ing with my head to the car­pet I heard my man­tra begin.

I do not know how long it took to recite all fifty but I know that the twenty minutes of silence with my eyes closed seemed to slip by far too quickly and much to my sur­prise I was aroused. I wanted more, I wanted to cum. I felt empower­ment when I dis­covered my arousal and I imme­di­ately ran upstairs and called Master ask­ing him for per­mis­sion to play with his cunt with my fin­gers and cum. With a chuckle in his voice, Master said yes and before I could prop­erly say good bye I had hung up the phone, ran upstairs and imme­di­ately allowed my greedy fin­gers to slide across my slip­pery clit. I had only been run­ning tiny circles around the hardened flesh for approx­im­ately a minute when sud­denly a burst of, what can only be described as elec­tri­city, ran up through my legs into my belly, only to thrust itself up over my spine leav­ing me breath­less and shaking.

My orgasm was out­rageous. I could barely move with the excep­tion of my trembles and the scream of pas­sion that forced itself past my lips soun­ded, once more, for­eign to me. I could barely believe I had just cli­maxed with the glass plug still deeply embed­ded inside my asscunt. But I did. I came. And it felt good. Beyond good. It felt amaz­ing and as I pushed the toy from my hole and stepped into the shower I found my shoulders shak­ing once more — this time from laughter. The giggles con­tin­ued until the water stopped and it was while I wrapped my large fleece towel around my body that I caught my reflec­tion in the mir­ror. My eyes were red but my lips were curled and I could not help but reflect on the many releases I exper­i­enced and all before noon.

I felt spent in every pos­sible way and I truly believed I could exper­i­ence any fur­ther releases, how wrong I was. I could not help but think of Master for the dur­a­tion of the day. My thoughts returned to him, to the week­end, to my own self aware­ness and I found myself want­ing to feel more, give more. I also wanted to show Master, show him, some­thing and so at 3:00pm I placed the pink ball gag into my mouth and waited for Masters return. A few minutes past 5:00pm, Master opened the door and the moment I saw his smile I knew I exactly where I wanted to be. He seemed sur­prised but pleased that I had gagged myself and as he bent down, he wrapped his arms around me and held me. He con­tin­ued to hold me, feel­ing me, embra­cing me and I soaked up every second of it. When he allowed his arms to fall, I moved to his feet, unla­cing each shoe, help­ing him step out of them and together we moved to the liv­ing room sofa. I instantly moved to my knees, pla­cing my body between his legs and within seconds my emo­tions went from tender to hun­ger. I was hungry for Master. I wanted his touch, his strength, both of his hands upon my flesh and I wanted to give to him, to be with him. I wish I could replay every moment with Master but my mind was float­ing and the details now live deep within my heart. What I do know though is after he came, his cum gush­ing out of my mouth, all over my body, filling my hands Master moved behind me and spanked me more and more and more until my ass was red, until the growls were deep, until I could take it no longer. It was only then that I felt my last release — a gentle rush of tears as I placed my cheek to Masters chest, know­ing I had served him, know­ing that I was not useless.

Today has been any­thing but easy and I know there is still much to pro­cess but I also know that with each step, with each shared moment of com­mu­nic­a­tion with Master and with myself I will love and even­tu­ally I will be happy with who I am. The first step has already been taken.

What a dif­fer­ence a day makes.

~His