Not a good slave.
There are times when I look at Master and I am overwhelmed with love. There is a tenderness in him that I do not have within myself. When I think of the patience he has had with me, I am baffled that he continues to keep me in his life. I am by far not an easy slave to love. I am stubborn, I am opinionated. I have strong convictions and unfortunately view the world in far more black and whites than any shade of grey. I also and I believe this to be my least flattering trait, struggle to have faith in myself, to have confidence in who I am and what I can achieve. I often doubt my abilities, my worth and in doing so I belittle the relationship I share with Master, that I have with myself.
More often than not I do not feel as though I am a good slave. My feelings are internal and not because of something Master says. On the contrary, Master continually praises me, encourages me and provides me with positive reinforcement whenever I do something which pleases him. My negative emotions come from me, grow within me and are not a product of Master or the relationship we share.
I am not certain where all of these emotions stem from but I do know that I wish I was a better slave, a better partner. I wish I had more patience, more understanding, more bend to my views. Often times I feel as though I am an old oak trea, brittle from years of being in the cold, unwilling to sway with the wind, instead standing tall, straight, too stubborn to allow my limbs to move with the storm. Those trees are often found broken, tree branches strewn throughout the forest. I do not want that for myself, I do not want to be so grounded I am unable to weather all environments.
I am grateful for my Master. I am learning from him and I do hope that with time I shall conquer all my battles and come out triumphant. I want to relax a little more, not take myself so seriously and stop trying to protect myself from, well everything.
~His
Tuesday,June 16,2009 at 7:03 pm Comments (2)
