Last night while lying in bed together, Master and I were doing our own virtual exploring when I came across a thread regarding arguing and debating and if a slave should be permitted to do so with her Master. As I shared the thread with Master we both had a little chuckle as we read through the numerous comments. Although both of us felt the same way regarding such a topic, unlike Master, I was slightly more passionate about my feelings and when finally I came across a gentleman who shared a similar opinion as my own, I felt empowered to share my feelings as well. With confidence, I straightened my posture, placed my fingers deliberately on the keyboard and as my right pinky extended to press the shift key and my left pointer finger reached for the letter "I", Master shocked me as his rather stern voiced boomed "no".

I blinked. Then I blinked again. I could feel a smile creep across my lips; half believing Master spoke in jest, the other half of me slightly nervous thinking Master was serious. "Master!" My voice was piqued but not disrespectful. His eyes spoke far more than any words and I knew he was not going to change his mind on this decision and yet I spoke again.

"Master, why?"

Master simply stated because "I said so".

This type of answer infuriates me, Master is aware of this and yet, this was his response. I was not fuming, as I have done so in the past but I was not happy. I had wanted to reply to what this person had said, to the thread itself and this was the second time Master had denied me the privilege of responding. Interestingly, I was calm during our exchange but I was not pleased with Masters decision. I recall even stating to Master that I was surprised he would refuse me writing privileges as he has and continues still to encourage me to respond to threads, to make posts, to ask questions. I know Master had his reasons and part of this experience was simply to obey, to listen to what Master had said and to follow through without questions. However, for a girl who has asked the ever exhausting "why" question since she was just little, this has not been an easy lesson to embrace. In fact, it often makes me see red.

I do not like to disobey. On the contrary. I thrive from being pleasing, when told I am "good" and when I make my Master proud. (And this feeling delves into all areas of my life for I have often felt as though I am valuable when I am pleasing whether it was my mum with regards to chores or my superiors with regards to work.) The truth is, I loathe being a disappointment but I have a very hard time doing something simply because I have been told to and it is not because I am no longer in control, it goes beyond that.

The vast majority of my hesitations come to fruition when I feel as though my intelligence is somehow being questioned. I am not the "sharpest tool in the shed" and have spent a large portion of my life struggling to achieve excellence when it comes to my studies and knowledge in general. All throughout school I was a little bit slower, had to work a little bit harder and could never escape the dreaded tutor. My wonderful mind always seemed to be one step behind everyone else, or as I like to state it, (to make myself feel good), I was not slow everyone else around me was simply quicker. I can recall being in class and watching my classmates tackle a word problem with ferocity whereas I sat there, twirling my pencil between my fingers, praying to any higher power, "please, please do not pick me to answer this question". When I jumped into the wonderful world of University I thought there must be more students like myself but alas, there I sat, always seeming to befriend the MENSA followers and before long I was, this time, tapping a tune to the latest pop single, dreading once more, for my professors eyes to fixate on, me demanding me to provide an answer I did not have.

I worked very hard throughout every stage, from elementary to high school and right through to University. I forced myself to read everything I possibly could regarding news and world knowledge and have spent a lifetime trying to prove to everyone around me, myself included, that I am an intelligent person with valuable views, opinions and ideas. Therefore, when I feel as though such traits are being silenced I turn inward and defensive. Rationally, I know Master appreciates my knowledge and life experiences, he has made such statements frequently throughout our relationship, in fact, it is Master who has reminded me of all I have accomplished, of how important my ideas and thoughts are to him and how much he values my intelligence. As much as Master reinforces these traits, there are times when my insecure self peeks through and that is when I question Masters choices.

This behaviour is silly, I know this. But those are rational thoughts and when I am emotional all reason dissipates. Last night, fortunately, I forced myself to pause before truly reacting and tried to hear what Master had said to me, rather than be reactive to the situation. In the end, this approach was far more beneficial for myself and although I did not agree with what Master had said, I obeyed him and in the end that made him happy and did not take away any of my intelligence.

But it was not just my intellect that created an up rise in me last night. Granted, I thought it was, but after reflection, I realised there is an ongoing thread to Masters and my "discussions"; one which causes Master to clench his teeth and breathe just a little bit heavier than usual: the feminist debate. This topic of conversation has created much grief for both Master and myself and although I could speak of a thousand different reasons as to why I try so desperately to attain both equality and slavery with my Master, reasons of watching a mother unhappily cater to a man all while trying to raise a family (pretty much on her own) and build a career for herself in conjunction with the long history of how women have been treated like second class citizens, I shall refrain from the exhaustive diatribe I could indulge in and simply say, I have my reasons. This inner conflict which I believe many woman have struggled with, often rears its ugly head when Master and I converse and although Master does believe that women should have all opportunities men have, we do have an M/s relationship and therefore our rules are individual to us and not to the rules of "society". And once more, it is imperative that I state Master believes in women's rights and freedoms, but I am not a "woman", I am HIS slave and that is very, very different.

Trying to find a balance between belonging to someone and having freedom is challenging, at least for me it is. I find I panic every now and then, desperately trying to ensure I am of value; of importance and this doubt stems largely from my intelligence scale. (For me, woman's rights and education go hand in hand and it makes sense why this would tweak a nerve for me). What I need to overcome, to find some form of understanding, is that my worth is not solely based on the neurons firing beneath my cranium, but rather on my entire vessel and what fills it.

This will not be the last time Master and I engage in such debates but perhaps this is the start to appreciating all of me, from the intelligent woman to the silly bimbo to everything in between and to realise that I can have equality without having the same rights.

~His

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