Master arrived, literally, as I was signing off and closing my notebook from my previous post. I could hear him opening the door and immediately my heart started to beat ten times faster. As he approached me, his eyes first smiled and his lips followed suit. I was beyond happy to see that my efforts pleased him and although he was unable to see it, my lips had curled into a rather big and bright smile. Still, as delighted as I was, there was slight hesitation as I was uncertain as to what my consequence was going to be for removing my gag to call him. Thankfully Master was in a very generous mood and therefore all consequences were abolished and I was even permitted to remain seated, watching my movie while he prepared dinner.

After a lovely dinner of fresh soft shelled taco's Master and I resided to the living room; however, prior to our retiring for the evening, Master permitted me to remove the ass cunt dilator along; however, he instructed me to keep my cunt stuffed. Like many times before, my cunt was beginning to ache, to feel dry and tight and I asked Master permission to remove the toy which had been inside of me for four hours. Master stated no, however I was persistent and continued to ask for a duration of time in which Master wished to keep me full. After many moments of begging for an answer, Master finally stated I would be granted release in eleven minutes. Immediately I looked to the time on my computer, 19:30. Ahh, at 19:41 I would be granted freedom from the tightness that was now constricting deep inside my cunt. I tried to avoid watching the time tick away but I could not remove my gaze, it was as though all time was moving slowly, almost as though it were not moving at all. My dramatic self soon felt relief as the clock finally displayed 19:41 at which point Master permitted me to push and pull the pink ben wa balls from my body. Instantly there was relief and this sense of rest made me want to show Master my appreciation. I could tell Master was able to sense my feelings as he removed his underwear, giving me full access to his cock.

I worshiped Masters flesh, suckling, gasping, kissing every inch of him. I wanted to bring him pleasure and after many attempts at trying to keep him deep within my throat and me not vomiting, I finally felt his cum soak into my cheeks. I take great enjoyment when I am able to give Master an orgasm. Sucking cock deeply has been a huge challenge for me and my gag reflex is still tender and overly sensitive. I gag incredibly easy and I am often left feeling as though I am drowning in my own saliva. Still, my desire to be pleasing, to provide skills that give Master release, is a goal I strive for every day.

Once Master had relieved himself down my throat, I changed the sheet as it was drenched in saliva, remade the bed, then crawled in together to snuggle. Everything should have been lovely from this point; however, as we cuddled Master pulled out his phone to show me an e-mail from a reader of our two journals. The reader had asked Master some questions regarding our relationship and one such question was about safe words and if we had ever used them before. Due to a memory that appears to be weakening I asked Master if we had indeed every used safe words. Master informed me that we had at which point I asked him what was mine. Master chuckled slightly and said something about not needing to know or think about it and if I still could not remember he would tell me and this, this minor refusal of sharing information agitated me surprisingly so. I like to know everything. I do not like to forget information but when I do I want to be informed, updated, reminded as I like to know everything I possibly can. Looking back now I see how this is merely an act of trying to control and this is something I have been fighting for a very very long time. I think it is ridiculous that now, after all this time, I still want to know what I do not or can not recall and I want to know it _right now_. If ever I demonstrated my lack of patience it is in moments such as those. Master refused to tell me and I fought him on it. I tried to move away, I turned out the light I tried to hold back my laughter when he had said something silly and pinned me down mocking my anger. I, very poorly mind you, pouted until at last Master did remind me of the safe word at which point I had to laugh myself because I then recalled coming up with said safe word. (The safe word was: broccoli.)

Rationally I know Master is not playing some stupid little game, keeping me in the dark because he enjoys my frustrations but rather because he can and wishes to exert such control. Giving up control, although I have been doing so for the past three years, is very very different when face to face. I am happy to be under the same roof with Master but learning to surrender in this manner still brings about some struggles for me. I know with time this too shall pass because I want it to. In the meantime I am going to have to delve deep for patience, something I have always lacked in, especially when it came to me and my successes and failures and try not to have everything so "perfect". Letting go may be the words of an old cliche but for me there could not be truer ones.

Life is messy. Sex is messy. Humans are messy and it is time for me to embrace it.

~His grace

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