I am not good at being dreamy. Or whim­sical. Dare I even say romantic. I am a real­ist. I like facts not fic­tion, I enjoy news over sit­coms and I appre­ci­ate a thick news­pa­per rather than a magazine. I grav­it­ate towards a life­style which involves lists of pros and cons and mak­ing appro­pri­ate choices rather than decid­ing with instant­an­eous excite­ment and moment­ary emo­tional grat­i­fic­a­tion. In nut­shell, I have lived my life in a bubble of logic and reason and in doing so I believe I have missed out on numer­ous oppor­tun­it­ies of love and joy.

What is inter­est­ing, to me at least, is that the above sen­ti­ment actu­ally came to light dur­ing a con­ver­sa­tion with Master this even­ing. During our even­ing exchange (via tele­phone) I asked Master, with a rather glee­ful smile to my lips if he was ready to start the rest of his life with me. I asked him twice before he answered and in a man­ner which I have always respec­ted and appre­ci­ated, Master stated, with sin­cere hon­esty, “We’ll see when you get here”. Oddly though, his com­ment left me with a rather unset­tling sen­sa­tion; a sad feel­ing. I was not expect­ing those words from Master, I had not pre­pared myself for any other response but “yes”. And yet, here he was, the man who has always approached our rela­tion­ship with hope and pos­it­iv­ity recit­ing sen­ti­ments of uncer­tainty, of unknown.

I think I fell silent first, I must have for Master asked me what was rum­bling through my mind. This is not uncom­mon between Master and myself. Often when I am facing a for­eign emo­tional exper­i­ence I grow quiet and Master is quick to pick up on it. Unlike other times though I was not think­ing any one thought I was simply feel­ing. A heavy minute passed between us and then Master stated he was going to bed, said good­night and we both hung up the phone.

For the first time in our rela­tion­ship I truly felt as though my words (earlier in our con­ver­sa­tion) and my gen­eral lack of open excite­ment hurt Master. Prior to Master express­ing his uncer­tainty regard­ing us being together forever, we had been dis­cuss­ing the kit­tens we will be adopt­ing come March. I have no idea why but I decided it was extremely import­ant for me to stress to Master that it was _his_ idea to get the kit­tens and not mine. Looking back I find myself shak­ing my head at my stub­born and insist­ent beha­viour. Truth is I want the kit­tens. I want to have those two little pets run­ning around, purring, bring­ing warmth to our home. The moment I saw a pic­ture of the little fur balls I knew they would make a won­der­ful addi­tion to our new space and the fact that Master can extend his love to anim­als, to care for them in a man­ner he does is just one of the many traits that made me fall in love with him in the first place. So, this is how I really feel and yet I decided it was best to remain indif­fer­ent to hav­ing pets, to not really caring, when in all actu­al­ity I am very excited and eager. Eager to have new little mew­ing fluff mon­sters scamp­ing at our feet; eager to share that love with Master. Excited to be mak­ing a home, a life for us. And yet, even though I was happy, I refused to share that with Master. How ridiculous.

I have spent a life­time keep­ing my emo­tions in check. I have worked dili­gently, extraordin­ar­ily so to ensure I am never overly excited or float­ing in the clouds with thoughts of “together forever”, “any­thing is pos­sible”, “till death do us part”. In the pro­cess of for­cing my irra­tional expres­sions of hon­esty and prac­tic­al­ity I have neg­lected the beau­ti­ful whimsy of just believ­ing, of just hav­ing hope good things will hap­pen and that I will live hap­pily ever after.

Because the truth is, that is what I want. I want Master and I to embrace one another and to have the feel­ings of first love, always. I want to look at him each day and fall deeper in love with him, to want to touch him, kiss him, make love with him, encour­age him, have faith in him and to believe I am his one and only; his true love; the girl, the slave he wants to grow old with, to play with for always.

There is a time and place for real­istic thoughts, for rational choices but when it comes to the heart its about jump­ing in without cau­tion; it is about feel­ing, just feel­ing and embra­cing every single moment. I want my life with Master. I want all the bumps and wicked bruises, I want the pas­sion, I want the excite­ment, I want the lust, I want the tears, I want the joy, I want everything, I want it all.

Yes. I can reas­on­ably say that there is, unfor­tu­nately, a chance that Master and I might not make it through the years. I can also reas­on­ably say that many couples might not make it year after year. I can even say, quite reas­on­ably so, that a nuc­lear bomb might go off one day and cre­ate mass destruc­tion for this won­der­ful place called earth. There are hun­dreds of reas­on­able facts out there but the only fact that mat­ters right now is that I love my Master. I love him with every ounce of my heart, with everything in my soul, to the very depth of the little girl inside me, the pas­sion­ate slave which is me, I love Master.

I want the rest of my life to begin as soon as pos­sible and the moment I walk off of that plane, the instant I see Master smil­ing back at me, I will know I am home. I am where I belong.

I love You Master.

~Yours, forever and always.

I believe sexu­al­ity is fluid. I am not the first to express that sen­ti­ment but I cer­tainly fol­low the cue. And like sexu­al­ity I also believe the num­ber of people involved in a rela­tion­ship flows with a neces­sary desire at that spe­cific time and not by legal or reli­gious views.

I have never been in a rela­tion­ship which was mono­gam­ous. In the past, the men I have been involved with have always stated that they wanted an addi­tional ‘toy’ to play with. The dif­fer­ence between those rela­tion­ships and the one I have with Master is that this is the first time I have expressed my true feel­ings regard­ing a third party. In the past I simply agreed with the men stat­ing it was ‘okay’ to bring home girls to be intim­ate with when the truth was I was not always com­fort­able with the situ­ation. I would pre­pare the home for the vis­itor and once the girl had arrived I worked dili­gently in ensur­ing she felt at ease, com­pletely dis­reg­ard­ing my own feel­ings in the moment. Afterward, when I lay in the same bed ‘he’ had fucked ‘her’ in, I found myself feel­ing little and bey­ond sad. Still, no mat­ter how poorly I felt after the three­some took place I con­tin­ued to indulge in such activ­it­ies in hopes of pleas­ing the man I was with.

Looking back on those years I real­ise the injustice of my silence and how unfair I was to both the men I was dat­ing and myself. By not telling the truth I put every rela­tion­ship in jeop­ardy and I vowed not to do that with Master; how­ever, express­ing feel­ings I have kept caged for so long is not as easy as it sounds. I have always felt awk­ward at express­ing my need to be #1 in a rela­tion­ship. For reas­ons unknown to me, I did not believe I was enough for someone, that I could not bring enough pleas­ure to a man; how­ever, I have since come to learn that I am more than enough to ful­fill a rela­tion­ship and that bring­ing in a new trinket, whether that toy is a con­stant or a one night adven­ture does not dimin­ish the love my Master has for me and the place I have in his heart and life.

Master and I have spoken openly about hav­ing an addi­tional party in our rela­tion­ship and for the most part I too find myself highly aroused at the pro­spect of a sweet plaything pleas­ur­ing Master as well as being someone I can have a friend­ship with. As open and want­ing as I am though, there are still moments when I turn to Master and through awk­ward exchanges even­tu­ally ask Master to reas­sure me that I am all he ever needs and in true Master fash­ion he extin­guishes any insec­ur­ity I might have.

Relationships are com­plex, rocky at times in even the most per­fect of coup­lings which is why I believe the greatest anchor is hon­esty. Being true to my Master as well as to myself has allowed me to embrace my desires and to come to terms with the fact that as much as I take pleas­ure in Master hav­ing an addi­tional rela­tion­ship I too receive great excite­ment when flirt­ing with someone I find attract­ive; when I believe I am the desire, the want of another human being.

Monogamy may not be the world Master and I live in but we are faith­ful to one another, there are no secrets, no hid­den agen­das, no mis­con­cep­tions of what we want, what we crave, what we wish to exper­i­ence and although there is still awk­ward­ness from time to time I feel con­fid­ent and secure in my rela­tion­ship with Master and most import­antly in myself.

~His grace