Grief is an exceptional feeling and often keeps us hostage as we work through the process of healing. I wish you a beautiful journey both with yourself and with your Master. If I may add just one thing, opening up with my Master, allowing him to witness all the ‘ugly’ (the word I use to describe my feelings) has truly permitted me to give control freely — to feel a level of security and comfort I never felt before.

It would be foolish and a lie to say I never have moments of doubt and fear but what I do not do is try to hold onto control I so utterly want Master to have.

Please continue to read and comment.
I look forward to more exchanges between us.

In warmth,

~His grace

I just wanted to thank you for your posting above. When I read it, I felt as if you had written much of what I often feel deep inside, but don’t know how to say.
I first met my Master about three yrs. ago. It is only recently that we have taken our relationship to a “deep” D/s level (I say it that way b/c it is very difficult for me to fully and openly give Him total control over me). By total control I mean on a mental, physical and spiritual level.
My Master has recently permitted me to keep a journal, as it is often much easier for me to write what I am feeling than it is for me to verbalize it. He encourages me often to open up to Him, as He feels that even my writing can be very superficial…and He is right. I struggle to open up to him and communicate with him out of fear.
Growing up, loss has been an almost constant companion. It first began with the loss of my sister when I was just a child…more recently it was the loss of my best friend and then the loss of another friend. Even if death did not claim loved ones I lost them in other ways. Though I have spoken about these losses to others, I have never fully dealt with them on a deep level.
My fear is that if I fully open up to my Master, if I do relinquish full control to Him, I will lose Him, too. My fear is increased b/c I have come to care for Him so deeply, and I can’t imagine the loss of Him (whether in death or if He just decided to leave). Though my discovery of this fear is only about two days old, I felt like your post helped clarify it. As well as verifying for me that my fear of losing Him is indeed the main reason that I am holding back. I just wanted to thank you once more for your post.

Sincerely,
T.D.