Trust. TRUST. T — R — U — S — T.
Why on earth is this still an issue? I am exhausted, yes exhausted with still having concerns about trust. In the deepest recesses of my being I truly feel that I trust Master. I have never had a reason to doubt him, to mistrust him, to disbelieve him and yet after three years I am still experiencing moments when my actions so clearly demonstrate a lack of trust.
A week ago my mum had arrived at my home for a lovely visit. I was overly excited, as I most often am and wanted to spend as much time as possible with her during our short time period together. One evening I had been speaking with Master and had asked him permission to spend the evening visiting with my mum. Without hesitation Master agreed and just as I was about to skip off Master instructed me to telephone him later in the evening. Immediately I became defensive and a sigh escaped my lips, something I wish I had not released. As Master is highly in tuned to my noises his voice shifted and a stern tone replaced what was just moments ago, gentle.
Instantly Master confronted my passive aggressive mannerisms and brought the topic of trust up. I refused to believe my behaviour was a direct result of not trusting; however, in retrospect, that is exactly what was transpiring.
I absolutely adore speaking with Master and our conversations are most often the highlight to my day. Just hearing his voice, feeling his support, laughing with him gives me a sense of belonging and comfort. In this particular instance though I did not want to have a scheduled time frame to call Master because I was uncertain if Master would keep me on the phone for a long period of time and I would miss out on time with my mum. In other words, I failed to trust Master. When I heard the words "call me at" I went into panic mode thinking Master would desire to have my attention and speak with me for a long period and I would not be able to have as much time with my mum.
My attitude towards Master during this conversation is appalling and I am embarrassed for how I behaved. This is not the first time trust has been a concern. If someone were to ask me "do you trust your Master" I would say, without skipping a beat, yes. Every time Master and I are intimate, I trust him. When Master wraps his fingers around my throat, blocking the very essence of my life, I trust him.
So I ask, where does this wall come from? When I believe that I trust him why do my actions betray my thoughts?
~His slave
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Tuesday,October 21,2008 at 6:55 pm
Thursday,October 23,2008 at 6:27 pmHis grace
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his pet
Thank you so much for your words. Trust is a complicated issue, one that surprises me so. However with time I have come to realise that trust is my issue not Masters. It is about “letting go” for me. With time I believe my trust for Master will only grow.
I wish you and your Master a wonderful trusting journey.
In warmth,
~His grace
Thursday,October 23,2008 at 3:27 amhis pet
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i understand your trust issues first hand. my Master has allowed me to speak freely most of the time, has even encuraged me to do so, even when it has not been to his liking. so when Master told me that i needed his permission to speak, i did not trust him. i asked why and the distrust was in my voice. my Master was patient but firm and reminded me of my place and like yours his ownership of me.
The next time Master and i were together he reminded me of my actions. as i received my punishment.
like You i still struggle with the trust issue. But with my Masters guidance i will over come my short comings.
Thank You for all You share.
Thursday,October 23,2008 at 2:52 amHis grace
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Lalana,
Thank you for your words. Yes, apparently I am human, although sometimes I want to be super human and this however frustrates only me, not Master. I have to come to terms with my flaws and appreciate them not feel anger towards them. I do appreciate you taking time to both read and respond.
I am honoured to know my journal is what prompted your Master to encourage you to write your own. I will be taking a look at yours now.
In warmth,
~His grace
Thursday,October 23,2008 at 2:50 amHis grace
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wifey,
I most certainly appreciate hearing the “only human” aspect because sometimes I forget that I do make errors and that it is okay to do so. Fortunately I have a Master who accepts my humanistic nature; however, I do not. I still need to learn that. Reading your words makes me smile.
Love you.
Wednesday,October 22,2008 at 2:20 pmlalana
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“When I believe that I trust him why do my actions betray my thoughts?”
Because you’re human? We’re raised and taught to be independent — which on the surface, goes against being a slave. It’s about you wanting something — and hoping that your Master will allow it. It’s a question in your mind of whether or not He will allow that want to be fulfilled, because you know it’s at His discretion. Yes, you can trust Him with your very life, but something this small? It’s important to you, but does He know how important? It’s those times that I find hard to trust — (but I don’t call it trust). Is He going to allow me this pleasure? It means so much to me!!! Whether He has my best interests at heart or not, I want what I want, and I want it now. Kinda like a spoiled kid.
It’s amazing how we can give up total control of the big issues — of our lives, and make it all about Master. But when it comes to the “small stuff” we like to hang on to that idea that it’s about “me”, even though we know it’s not, or that illusion of control over the small things.
Btw… just wanted to say that yours is the first slave blog I started reading a few months ago, and what prompted Master to have me start my own. I’ve really enjoyed following your honesty and struggles.
lalana
Wednesday,October 22,2008 at 9:33 amwifey
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Just my perspective from the outside — ignore at will
You’re human.
I don’t see it as a trust “wall”. It is human to want space at times to simply “be”. To do what you want to do, when you want to do it. It’s ok. A large part of your life was spent with time with your Mum (parents) was the primary relationship, or a very close secondary relationship.
It is part of your dynamic with your Master that you have relinquished that basic freedom of choice and control. That’s cool, that is your choice. This was a time when it cost you something you didn’t realise, it is a learning experience. It doesn’t have to be bad. It doesn’t necessarily have to be “overcome”, if you know that it is there and acknowledge the cost of your submission to your everyday choices. You can revel in it.
love you