(This entry is a ramble of expressions, not my most eloquent of entries; however, Master encouraged me to simply express, without trying to make everything look pretty, composed.)

Recently i took a journey through my entries, re-reading specific to random posts, reflecting on all i have shared. Some of my entries were recorded with great emotion while others were technical; almost written without attachment to the moment i was sharing. i am unable to explain the reason for my behaviours but i do know that there are moments i still feel shy, uncomfortable with my choices, with my mind.

i felt this familiar uneasy sensation when Master and i spoke regarding a comment that was left on my post: "24/7 hole stuffed month is such a great project, I was waiting to hear a report on it. I’m glad you were able to share, but am curious about it. What size devices did you use? Did you alternate holes? Were there times of difficulty, and how did you overcome? I would love to hear more about your training in this over the last month".

When i wrote in my journal that evening, sharing my month of twenty-four hole stuffing, i felt a sense of embarrassment and in that shy recording i made a choice not to disclose as much as i possibly could. i was direct but brief and i knew i was refraining from my usual explicit rapport. i am not ashamed of my training and yet i was uncomfortable with sharing and i can not help but wonder if it is because my 24/7 hole training brought forward a strong desire of being a slut, a true fuck toy for my Master.

my sexuality has been a slow process, one could say i am a late bloomer and i still feel awkward at times with my sexual hunger. my hole training stirred something darker within me, desires revolving around my need to be a doll: a sweet, tight, eager fuck doll meant to please. my awareness to this unexpected lust has triggered a quietness in me, a reluctance to share and i am surprised by these emotions. i realise i should no longer fear what others think of me, peoples opinions do not matter to my well being, still in the corners of my thoughts, i struggle in the possibility of someone thinking less of me for my predilections. (Even as i type that last sentence i am shaking my head for that truly is ridiculous.)

i am a kind, intelligent, hardworking, strong, independent woman and the acts i indulge in are consensual, intimate and loving and reflect only the playful, adventurous, spiritual and open minded person i am. And my hole stuffing most certainly brought forth a very playful, sexy, wild, wanton slut.

my first day of hole stuffing was awkward, not because i was stuffed for i have been filled before, but because i knew it was the first of thirty days. i was slightly trepidations as to what the toys would feel like inside me every second of the day and if i would become "loose" because there was always something stretching my holes. Quickly i learned that being stuffed provided a tightening effect, rather than a stretching and at the end of the month my cunt and asscunt muscles were tight like a bodybuilder. (Now that the thirty days are over, i take great pride in knowing my holes are snug for Master.)

Having a plug buried in my asscunt all day was not overly unfamiliar; however, having a toy inserted into my cunt for twenty-four hours was, at first, uncomfortable and at times, painful. i have a rather shallow vaginal canal and i first stuffed my cunt with a toy that was slightly too long and did eventually create a bruise inside me on that first day. Thankfully Master had me alternate holes, stuffing my asscunt first and then cunt second and so on and so forth. Master did however, grant me permission to stop cunt training for four days due to having my period. Once the four days were complete i immediately returned to alternating Masters' holes.

In the beginning, i used a very small butt plug in my asscunt:

As my training proceeded, i moved onto a larger toy, although i did not go bigger than this for an entire 24 hour session:

The first toy is only 4 1/2 inches long and no wider than a mans middle finger. The second plug is 6 inches long and 1 1/2 inches wide.

Training of my cunt involved smaller toys:

These smartballs by Fun Factory are excellent at working the pelvic floor and allowed better control of the muscles inside my cunt.

This fun little vibrating egg made me tingle and often left me in a state of constant arousal and wetness.

In the beginning, all training is challenging. i struggle with not only the physical restrictions but also the emotional release. All training creates a mental state that keeps me in a feeling of deep submission - a state that sometimes places me into a subspace that can, place me in a hazy slave fog. This sensation is wonderful when in the presence and safety of my Master; when in the comforts of our home but not necessarily when i am out and about: at work, shopping, with family and friends. i have to take great precautions and mentally prepare myself when i leave my home while in training and although it poses difficulty it brings me a tremendous sense of connection to both my Master and myself.

Training is not easy. i learned that when i first started going to the gym. my first trainer was evil, a true military man and every day that he placed his foot upon my stomach and encouraged me to do "just one more crunch" i both loathed and worshiped him. i remember lying on the floor, panting, sweat dripping down my back thinking "no more, i can't do it" and yet, day after day, month after month year after year i go back to my dungeon of barbells and treadmills and now i happily lay on the floor, tightening my abdominal muscles, picturing that large foot on my stomach, pushing down slightly anytime i start to give up.

i will, most likely, always approach training with slight trepidation, but in those moments of uncertainty i will also take comfort in my lessons and the growth i will most certainly experience. Training is an extension of the love my Master has for me and my obedience is an extension of my love for Him.

Related reading:

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3. The gag effect. As a creature of routine, i woke this morn­ing, tend­ing...
4. A funny thing happened on the way to work… A plug almost slipped out of Master’s asscunt. Meep!!!! Prelude:...
5. The asscunt hurdle. I have writ­ten about my ass cunt train­ing numer­ous times,...