A plug almost slipped out of Master's asscunt.

Meep!!!!

Prelude:
Sometimes i just need to ramble and in those rambling thoughts i find what i truly am trying to say. This is one of those entries.. where i rambled until finally at last, i get it. This entry is not poetry, but it certainly brought light to my slave soul.

Today is the first day of my "One month plugged" and Master has chosen His asscunt to keep filled. When Master first told me of His idea of having one of His holes (cunt or asscunt) filled 24/7 for an entire month, i never really allowed myself to digest His words. Last week though, Master brought the topic up in a conversation and i suddenly became _very_ aware that Master really was going to train His slave for stuffing for one whole month. Then this morning when i read Masters e-mail regarding my wardrobe, His words rang out like a school bell: "Do not forget to plug your little asscunt, you may use the tiny plug".

i blinked. Master was serious. Really serious. (Now i am not certain what the difference between serious and really serious is but apparently i thought there had to be a difference between the two.) i sat dumbfounded as i re-read His words. Not once. Not twice. But three times. Being very true to my nature i immediately reacted to Masters words and my thoughts of "there is no way i can do this" came fumbling out of my mouth. i had to pause and shake my head at myself. Master had not "sprung" something on me, He had given me much notice. Master was not requesting something so asinine that my response needed to be resistance; and yet, it was.

And i knew why my reactions were so strong - i was afraid to fail.

Failure:
1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends: the failure of an experiment.
2. One that fails: a failure at one's career.
3. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short: a crop failure.
4. A cessation of proper functioning or performance: a power failure.
5. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission: failure to report a change of address.
6. The act or fact of failing to pass a course, test, or assignment.
7. A decline in strength or effectiveness.
8. The act or fact of becoming bankrupt or insolvent.

Failure has been a part of life that i have diligently tried to avoid. In the beginning i truly believed i feared failure because i did not want to disappoint anyone i loved. Through reflection i have come to acknowledge that a rather large part of my fear stems not from failure at all but rather success. When Master gives me tasks, challenges and or goals and i reach them, a part of the "old" me disappears and a stronger deeper level of myself surfaces. To many this transformation is exciting, for me, this is terrifying. i have struggled with change most of my life, although in the past ten years i have tried very hard to embrace it. Still, as much as i want to embrace change, part of me is apprehensive.

i know the "old" me. i am very aware of her abilities, her mannerisms, her shortcomings and most of all how people feel about her, love her. The "new" me is unfamiliar and i do not know how people will react to her. Being with Master has been a delicious and terrifying journey and i want to continue growing with Master and i know in order to grow i will have to embrace change - i will have to fail and in my failures i will succeed and i will become a stronger me, a happier me, a more fulfilled me.

And yes, that scares me.

i carry much judgment with regards to myself and my behaviours. i often think that the way i feel and or act is wrong, not lady like, unpleasant. This is such an oxymoron though because i do not judge others for being sex crazed animals in heat but for some reason i still feel "bad" thinking i am. This mentality is destructive to the slave and there is absolutely no reason for it. Somewhere along the lines i sold myself a bad deal and convinced myself my behaviours are unlovable.

i have short changed not only myself but those i love - those who love me.

i know i will not wake tomorrow and my insecurities will be diminished ...

BUT...

i will wake up and love myself just a little more.. love the slave i am just a little more and in doing so embrace the wonderful changes, the intense challenges, the awkward failures and in doing so i will succeed.

And i will be the little girl, the happy slave, the sweet slut that thrives inside me.

~Masters very loved slave slut

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