i remem­ber when i first star­ted to explore online posts. Secretly i hoped to come across other peoples thoughts and exper­i­ences, out­wardly i joined con­ver­sa­tions judging those who exploited them­selves in black text. i spent hours search­ing intim­ate posts — sur­ren­der­ing to the voyeur in me — thank­ful for not shar­ing my own desires and exper­i­ences — grate­ful for the exhib­i­tion­ism of oth­ers. There was a sense of secur­ity, my anonym­ity, still in tact and yet i was able, nay, encour­aged to covet cyber-neighbours thoughts all without ever once hav­ing to expose myself.

Or so i thought.
Until three days ago.

Three days ago, my Master gave me the gift of an online web­site s/l/a/s/h journal — a tool in which my Master explained would be used to express my thoughts, feel­ings and exper­i­ences — uncut. Yes, that means uned­ited or in my nervous mind and thump­ing heart meant utterly exposed without shel­ter. At first i felt an over­whelm­ing and unfa­mil­iar sen­sa­tion deep inside myself when i heard the news of Masters decision of my journal writ­ing. i read His e-mail four times, allow­ing each word to sink into my consciousness.

My pro­cess of read­ing His e-mail happened in four dis­tinct stages:

First Reading:

• See His words, “I have made some decisions after a long amount of think­ing which dir­ectly influ­ence the daily life you are going to have from this moment in time for­ward. I have not dis­cussed with you, because this is my decision, it is final, will not be dis­cussed and you will obey.”
• Skim through entire e-mail at rapid eye move­ment speed.
• Breathe deeply as I feel an amaz­ing rush of heat flood my face.
• Tell myself, “re-read without freak­ing out”.

Second Reading

• Read His words, “I have made some decisions after a long amount of think­ing which dir­ectly influ­ence the daily life you are going to have from this moment in time for­ward. I have not dis­cussed with you, because this is my decision, it is final, will not be dis­cussed and you will obey.”
• Absorb His words and allow the idea to pen­et­rate the ini­tial thoughts of panic.
• Read His words, “The domain is floozy.ca” and imme­di­ately reject the ini­tial and con­di­tioned soci­etal neg­at­ive response that Master was degrad­ing me with such a title.
• Tell myself, “re-read again and con­sider why Master desires the website”.

Third Reading

• Read His words, “I have made some decisions after a long amount of think­ing which dir­ectly influ­ence the daily life you are going to have from this moment in time for­ward. I have not dis­cussed with you, because this is my decision, it is final, will not be dis­cussed and you will obey.”
• Feel an imme­di­ate and unex­pect­ing sen­sa­tion of accept­ance know­ing my Master is proud of His slave and wished for oth­ers to read and learn about His slave and the life He shares with her.
• Slowly digest the remain­ing six para­graphs, read­ing out­loud His words, “As much as (floozy) can be a syn­onym for slut, which you are to me, it can also be a syn­onym for god­dess or nymph. Those are all attrib­utes you exhibit.”
• Finding myself smil­ing, more so at His words, “His slut” than being com­pared to that of a god­dess or nymph — believ­ing that being His slut car­ried more worth than latter.

Fourth Reading

• Reading His words, “I love you very much and I think it is time to make this next step. I was wait­ing for you to accept and admit that those little toys you were talk­ing about are you. The sim­il­ar­it­ies are there, the out­line of your need is becom­ing strong enough and I want you to walk this path with me”.
• Feeling the sting of tears fill my eyes as i felt my admit­tance of being His toy, His toy in a man­ner i denied to both Him and myself for far too long.
• Feeling the gulp in the back of my throat as i felt the brand of my Master in my soul; feel­ing a sense of own­er­ship that was new and very much desired.
• Telling myself that the journal is a gift and that although it is new, it is beau­ti­fully given and even more so accepted.

i have since re-read His e-mail twice, maybe three times more and with each read­ing i find a deeper level of hap­pi­ness with His words and the gift of expres­sion in which He has given me. i still feel a little uncom­fort­able know­ing any­one may read my thoughts but know­ing that He is pleased with me and that He wishes for me to find accept­ance and love both from Him and within myself, far out­weighs any tem­por­ary uncomfortableness.

At first glance i felt a pang of anger when i came across His e-mail. For a split second i felt pushed in a way that would only end with me dis­ap­point­ing Master. After for­cing myself to avoid a state of panic and hav­ing faith in my Master, i have come to believe O/our new web­site is a spe­cial tool Master has provided me with so that i have a safe envir­on­ment to express all my desires, fears and fantas­ies — without edit­ing each event; without hav­ing to apo­lo­gize for what i want and for what i do. (Thank You Master.)

And what i want is to share my thoughts and feel­ings and all exper­i­ences i have. All of them. i know it will take some time to be com­pletely com­fort­able know­ing oth­ers may be read­ing O/our journal but i am will­ing to work through the nervous­ness because the out­come will be monu­mental. It will take even more time for me to fully accept that i am now one of those people; one of _those people_, who use words like Master and slave and His and owned all while typ­ing journal entries and to the untrained eye come across as cheesy — but i will accept it — hap­pily so. One day.

i still have a long way to go in my journal writ­ings but i have faith that with each entry i become con­fid­ent that my feel­ings and desires are val­id­ated and accepted.

A long jour­ney but one with gir­affe sized footsteps.

~slave

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