Icky leaking.

January 26th, 2012 . 2 Comments »
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I have a feeling I am going to come across as someone who suffers from germaphobia and perhaps there is a bit of truth in that; however, I am not so much concerned with germs as I am with cleanliness; hygienic cleanliness. Here are some  hard cold facts about me:

  • I do not care for other peoples bodily fluids.
  • I do not care for some of my own bodily fluids.
  • I do not like to be intimate with people who demonstrate poor hygiene.

I appreciate that all humans secret fluids. There are tears from ones eyes, mucus from ones nose, mucus from ones vagina, semen and seminal fluids from ones penis, urine and of course bowel movements.  Now I am not uncomfortable with Masters cum or his urine or his tears; however, when it comes to feces and even more so snot I can actually find myself gagging at the the mere thought of it. Master is an incredibly open person, he will tell me when he is going to the bathroom, regardless of what he will expel and he will blow his nose and keep his tissue beside him, waiting until he rises before he throws it away.  I most certainly do neither. With the exception of when I had to have a colonoscopy and had to drink an incredibly awful lubrication tasting concoction and simply had to let Master know that I would not be leaving the restroom at all for the evening – with the exception of that one night, in 7 years I have never before told him I would be having a bowel movement.

I confess, faeces really grosses me out. Now, I am familiar with the book, “Everybody poops” by Taro Gomi and I have read it and I believe expelling wastes is a healthy part of our body and digestive system; still I do not enjoy discussing it, smelling it, seeing it or being told about it. When I have to use the toilet I am quick and efficient, no lingering whatsoever. I wish to add though that when I worked as a long term care aid and I was required to change a person I was not grossed out, I was not disgusted at all. I felt great humility and compassion for those individuals and the same goes for changing a little ones diapers. Granted I still do not enjoy the scent but in that case it is a necessity and I am helping someone who quite frankly is unable to help themselves. I still would not want to have a full on discussion with any of those people about their bowel movements but I would do what was necessary and I would do it without complaint.

Aside from faeces, as I mentioned, nasal mucus is one fluid I genuinely feel icky about. I grew up in a small logger town where many of the truck drivers would actually press a finger against one nostril and then proceed to snot on the ground only to do the same with the other nostril. Even the mere sound of mucus in the nose or throat can bring me to gag. Thankfully I have never had anyone want to wipe their mucus on me or do some weird kinky act with it; still, it leaves me rather uncomfortable.

I am fortunate that my two biggest ick factors are things Master does not wish to sexually, kinkily embrace and ones he can keep at a slight distance from me. What is part of a sexual relationship though would be vaginal and penile secretions and in our relationship, urine. Not my urine per say because I am permitted to use the toilet and in the one time I had to pee outside it was still relatively private. I have never urinated on another person and although the idea does not arouse me at this given moment, maybe one day it would. Master has urinated on me and in me giving me what I consider to be a piss enema. I am aroused when Master marks me in such a fashion; however, I am aroused when it is Master and no one else. I know what Masters urine feels like, smells like and tastes like and I know what Master eats and drinks as well as the fact that he is fully tested and disease and drug free. These are incredibly important facts for me in order to feel comfortable sharing such an intimate and vulnerable experience.  Just as I am comfortable and often crave Masters cum, I am comfortable with my own vaginal fluids as well. I have tasted my own secretions both from my fingers as well as Masters cock and fingers.

Where I am not so comfortable is tasting another woman’s female juice.  I am very sensitive to scents and even though a woman might very well be clean, drug and disease free if her fragrance is unattractive to me I will not desire to taste her or even for her to taste me. Whenever I watch porn and I see female on female and I can actually see the milky, thick cunt fluid I become squeamish; even my face scrunches up, sometimes without me even knowing the muscles on my face have tightened. There is something about fluid that is not transparent that really squirks me and truthfully I have no idea why. If I see two women together and all I can see is a sheen on a finger or vagina that indicates it is wet I am not as uncomfortable but I am not completely at ease either.

Master has a true desire to one day watch me receive pleasure from another woman. I have a really difficult time separating pleasure and submission and for whatever reason I can not seem to move past it; I have yet to acquire the tools in order to retrain my brain into thinking when it comes to a woman I am taking the pleasure and not being given it.  The other side of that coin is that when I think of being intimate with a woman, the idea of me performing oral sex leaves me a little uneasy as well and that goes back to the whole cleanliness or rather lack of cleanliness that the person might exhibit.

I am beyond clean. I shower at least once a day and before living with Master I showered twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. I take all necessary precautions to ensure I am free of all/any sexually transmitted infections and I have done so since I started to be sexually active.  I am tested regularly and when it comes to cleaning the most intimate parts of my body, after every trip to toilet I wipe not only with tissue paper but also a wet wipe to ensure nothing, anywhere, is remaining.

My idiosyncrasies are not always rational. For instance I have no problem with blood or seeing a persons intestinal tract hanging outside of a human being. I can stay calm and helpful when someone has amputated their finger, arm or even leg by an accident and I do not or shall I say, I did not flinch when brains exploded all over my face and body.

But when it comes to every other fluid, consider me hesitant and not overly inviting. This will be something I will work on most likely for the rest of my life. For now, I am okay with myself for not wanting to get too up close and personal when it comes to some fluids and until Master commands me to do so, I will gladly take a back seat to tending to anything that leaves me feeling nauseous.

~cockdoll

(Unknown artist)

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What does “true” have anything to do with D/s?

January 25th, 2012 . 4 Comments »
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Recently while on Fetlife I came across a thread where a woman asked what the difference was between a submissive and a slave. Personally I feel there are no differences; that whatever best fits the relationship is how such terms are defined.

My sentiments did not match the majority of those who responded and I was not surprised although I was taken aback by the rude, aggressive responses to what I, along with one or two other people, shared. More surprising to me than the insulting rebuttals were the two most common themes expressed by those who opposed my view point:

  • A submissive is not as committed to the relationship and is quite frankly not as serving as a slave
  • A slave has no rights, well a “true” slave that is.

Now, I personally think it is exceptionally arrogant of anyone to claim he or she is a “more” serving individual because quite frankly, unless said person is actually involved in said relationship an outsider has absolutely no idea just how serving that person is.  More than though, what the heck is up with the terms “true” or “real” placed before the word slave and dominant?

When I read and or hear of people making such comments I shake my head in disbelief.  The statement “real submissive” is just as insulting as the statement, “real women have curves”.  If a woman does not exhibit a curvy body does that mean she is not a woman? I can list numerous examples of women who by definition alone do not sport any curves but they have all the proper female chromosomes and anatomy and I can not imagine those said women to be impressed with being told they are not “real”.

For me, the same goes for the statement, “real submissive or real slave”.  What is a “true” slave? Who makes that definition and who then reinforces it and makes it so?  Have I been misinformed? Is there a BDSM counsel that governs the entire world and exchange of BDSM that ensures all definitions are accurately followed and abided by?

I have looked in numerous dictionaries trying to find the definition of a “real slave” or a “true slave” and interestingly enough I have yet to find any definition for either.  Perhaps that is because it is impossible to fairly and accurately give such a definition because no two relationships are the same and because quite frankly I am not certain anyone in the BDSM lifestyle is a slave, simply because from all I have ever read and from all the people I have ever spoken with, the BDSM lifestyle is about consent and according to every single definition I have ever read being a slave involves a lack of consent. Being a slave also involves the act of legal ownership and again, the last time I checked, in almost all countries no person is allowed to own another human being – it goes against the very essence of humanity.

Now before anyone’s feathers get all ruffled, understand I genuinely believe people can identify as a slave and genuinely feel they are a slave, both to another human being and in general. All I am expressing is that the idea of  anything being “true” versus “untrue” is preposterous since according to legal and other definitions consenting to slavery is not slavery.

I identify as a slave to Master. I have given him control. I have entered this exchange with the full understanding that he is the one who has final say and will determine how we lead our lives. With that said, the reality is, should I ever wish to leave this relationship, guess what? I can. I do not have to go through legal channels, I do not have to ask to be released, I do not have to ask at all in fact. Of course this is not what I want but I have the freedom to do so and unless someone has been sold into human trafficking, so does everyone else. Again though, as a side note, I am aware human slavery exists, it is illegal and it is by far not part of BDSM because that is NOT CONSENTING!

I understand people believe they must be released before they can leave a relationship. I understand they suspend the reality in order for the exchange to take place and that makes perfect sense and I am happy people have found partners who fulfill them and make them happy. Whatever makes a person happy, (as long as it is not damaging to another) is how relationships succeed and I appreciate those who are honest and open and engage fully in their dynamics.

I am aware of my passion for such a topic simply because when I read other peoples comments they are not merely a differences of opinion, they are insulting and rude and I really do not understand why that has to be? If I do not agree that there is a “true” submissive or “true” slave, that is my opinion. I am not name calling, I am not telling others they can not think that way, that is not my place. What I wish would change though is the exchange itself.

Human beings have a long ways to go. A very long way.

~cockdoll

(Artist unknown; quote from Einstein)

Posted in slavehood
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