I am uncomfortable with feeling. Feelings which come from sadness, happiness and or even arousal. It does not matter where the sensation derives from I am awkward in experiencing them. When I look at my past I do not recall this unfamiliarity and yet I can not pinpoint the exact moment everything shifted. I have my ideas mind you and although there is no data with facts and statistics I think it is safe to say this peculiar phenomenon started when my body began to hurt.
The last two years have been challenging. My body has had to fight a great deal in order to be healthy and although I am confident I am moving forward strong, I can not deny that my previous ailments have affected my person. My entire person. When we are ill it is not just the flesh that experiences trauma, our psychological health is also affected. Of course in our moments of crisis we rarely consider our feelings, those quiet emotions that tell us when we are sad or lonely or afraid or even happy. We do not have time to focus on the emotional wounds and so we forget about them, leaving them to heal without attention. Unfortunately our neglect often leads to hardened scars, the ones that still prickle long after the injury has healed.
I can not imagine anyone wanting to ignore how they feel. I think it happens out of necessity. When the body aches, when every bone and muscle and tissue is riddled with constant pain it is nearly impossible to think of anything else. The physical pain does not negate the emotional it is simply that a person can only fight so many battles. A person can only invest x amount of attention to one thing and when a constant acute pain runs rampant through your body I assure you it consumes every waking thought, often even the sleeping ones.
A scientist at heart I dare not assume my lack of emotional connection is a causation of my constant physical pain; however, I will say there is an absolute correlation to the two. Perhaps my withdrawal from feeling is a result from wanting to shield myself from feeling anything more, even if that means moments of joy. This does not mean I do not feel anything. I still laugh, although I admit it is not as often. I also do not cry. I also refuse to allow myself to experience tears anytime I have felt physical pain and looking back there were times when the pain was overwhelming. When I ached to the point where I thought death would feel better. This does not mean I wanted to die I merely wanted the pain to end. When you hurt, when everyday movements cause you to wince, to hold your side, to gasp in shock it is difficult to want to wake up. It is difficult to want to do anything but we have to. Movement, engaging, participating in the day reminds us, reminds me of how beautiful life is and it is beautiful.
So if I know this, if I understand just how precious life is, why is it that I remain shielded? Have I pushed emotions so far away they simply are out of reach? It isn’t that I do not want to relish in a fit of giggles or even bathe in a shower of tears. I do. All sensations are welcome I just do not know how. Bizarre really. I do not recall ever being taught to feel, it was something I just did. Why then am I unable to do it now? Perhaps, as my body grows stronger I will regain what I have lost. I can certainly hope so.