After pet had shared her feel­ings regard­ing me and our exchange I received many ques­tions both through e-mail as well as form­s­pring all ask­ing me why I would play with pet if she does not trust me. I have since answered all of those ques­tions indi­vidu­ally; how­ever, after explain­ing and describ­ing my inten­tions I real­ised just how much I have grown, how much pet has grown.

When pet first came to our home I was uncer­tain about almost everything.  I was at a place in my life where I had lost focus of who I was;  where I had actu­ally stopped lov­ing myself and could not recog­nize who I was when I looked at my own reflec­tion.  I was full of insec­ur­it­ies and was grabbing onto any­thing that was famil­iar and pet was any­thing but.  When I looked at pet, when I spoke with pet it truly felt as though I was try­ing to com­mu­nic­ate with someone for­eign, almost alien.

Pet exudes con­fid­ence and embraces everything around her with a viva­cious­ness I could only dis­tantly remem­ber.  Whenever I would ask pet if she wanted to try “a, b, or c” her first response was “yes” fol­lowed by “and more and more and more”.  There was and still is a cer­tain level of naïvety and inno­cence which only exists in those just peek­ing their head into the big bad world and I was in awe at how pos­it­ive and accept­ing pet was (is). So in awe, it was unset­tling and left me feel­ing rather dis­com­bob­u­lated. Still, there was some­thing draw­ing me to pet, per­haps it was simply the fresh­ness of her youth; per­haps it was her will­ing­ness to exper­i­ence any­thing; per­haps it was me see­ing a little of myself, the part I had for­got­ten, in her.

In the begin­ning of our exchange I kept myself at a phys­ical dis­tance, par­ti­cip­at­ing only when Master encour­aged and or instruc­ted me to.  I was hes­it­ant to touch her, to explore her body because I was con­cerned I would hurt her, espe­cially when it came to her cunt.  Vaginal sex, vaginal pen­et­ra­tion does not feel good to me, in fact, more often than not it is pain­ful, extremely pain­ful.  Since my body is not as invit­ing to such pen­et­ra­tion I was frightened to pen­et­rate pet simply because I could not relate to such an inva­sion as being pleas­ur­able.  I shared sim­ilar thoughts, with regards to pain, whenever pet would ask to be spanked or yelled at or tossed around like a little rag doll I could not under­stand why and all because I was unable to relate to the pleas­ure for everything she desired made me cry or come close to tears and not in that won­der­ful release kind of way.

There was a def­in­ite dis­con­nect between me and pet and I know that much of that had to do with me not even know­ing myself.  I was uncer­tain in almost everything; thank­fully though with time I have found myself again and I am able and will­ing to par­ti­cip­ate in, well everything.  Interestingly, now that I have found my con­fid­ence, now that I am sure of who I am and what I want out of life,  I do not feel the need to have the same con­nec­tion with pet that I once thought I had to have in order to train her.

In many ways pet and I are not com­pat­ible.  We have engaged in numer­ous con­ver­sa­tions dis­cuss­ing mor­als, eth­ics, reli­gious beliefs, polit­ics and pretty much everything else ima­gin­able and at the end of those con­ver­sa­tions it was clear to me that pet and I do not see eye to eye on many sub­jects.  I am cer­tain one reason for our dif­fer­ent views has to do with age and life exper­i­ence; how­ever, I have often thought our core is pretty much com­plete at the age of 5 and there­fore pet will for the most part stay true to many of her thoughts and feel­ings as she grows, as she exper­i­ences all life has to offer.  With that said I do believe we evolve, we change through the years, we adapt; how­ever, speak­ing from exper­i­ence, there are some things that stay with us through­out our life, our internal com­pass which guides us, which makes us unique and individual.

If pet and I had met on our own, without kink being an ele­ment of our exchange, the real­ity is we most likely would not be friends. We do not have much in com­mon and the social activ­it­ies we like to par­ti­cip­ate in, for the most part, do not over­lap.  Fortunately, we did meet with kink being our uni­ver­sal found­a­tion and although the path has been bumpy I am happy to have met pet, to have shared in new exper­i­ences and to con­tinue train­ing her. Pet and I have our dif­fer­ences; how­ever,  that does not mean train­ing must end, that play must end.  Oddly enough, I can not help but think that it is because of our dif­fer­ences that I am able to embrace more of my sad­istic side, more of my darker thoughts and feel­ings.  Of course, I would be remiss if I did not also add that regain­ing my self con­fid­ence has had a huge and pos­it­ive impact on my want­ing to act upon my desires, want­ing to ful­fill some of my more cruel and wicked fantasies.

I real­ise that my last sen­ti­ment might have me com­ing across as some­what of a bitch; how­ever, I reas­sure you that is not the case.  I have what many call a nat­ural mater­nal instinct and my desire to ensure every­one is safe, cared for and unharmed are my first thoughts when enga­ging with those I care about.  And as won­der­ful as it is to care about human kind in such a man­ner, it can inter­fere in the world of kink, when explor­ing the darker ele­ments of one’s lust and it is even more of a con­flict when I have a very strong con­nec­tion with someone, when I feel akin to someone.  At the moment pet and I do not have that intense con­nec­tion, we are in many ways not com­pat­ible. This does not mean that con­nec­tion will never grow, will nev­er­de­velop; how­ever, at this cur­rent state of our rela­tion­ship, the con­nec­tion is not as strong as the one pet has with Master or the con­nec­tions I have with other people, still there is some­thing between us and for now that is all I need to con­tinue train­ing her.

At the moment pet has defined her feel­ings as a lack of trust for me, with me.  I would not dare to try to define pet’s feel­ings, only she knows the truth; how­ever, when we engage I do not sense a lack of trust from her, rather I sense a feel­ing of uncer­tainty and after read­ing her thoughts I believe I have a bet­ter under­stand­ing of her as well as myself.  I think it would be fair to say that part of her inab­il­ity to shed her emo­tional guard when enga­ging with me has to do with pet meet­ing me when I had lost sight of myself.  My beha­viours were not con­fid­ent, were not self assured and I believe it would be chal­len­ging to feel safe with someone who does not even know her­self and although I have since regained myself con­fid­ence, those first few inter­ac­tions have left a last­ing impres­sion, whether she is con­scious of this or not.  This of course is just my view, my own per­cep­tions and I accept that I could be com­pletely wrong.  Regardless of whether my inter­pret­a­tion is cor­rect or not, one can not go back in time, I can not undo what has been done, all I can do is move for­ward, embra­cing who I am, what I want and believ­ing in myself and if that con­trib­utes to pet let­ting her guard down I will be happy for her  but if it does not that will not stop me from con­tinu­ing to train her; either way I am good and happy with all I am exper­i­en­cing and I hope pet is as well.

I think in today’s soci­ety we are trained to believe com­pat­ib­il­ity is neces­sary for an exchange. We try to con­form, to all be the same. I would like to think our unique­ness, our dif­fer­ences some­times can teach us, can bring us together in ways our sim­il­ar­it­ies simply can not.

~His

When I was little I use to watch my mother hap­pily writ­ing to do lists.  She would start with one major list and from there she would pro­duce two or three smal­ler lists.  From there she would break those lists down to what to com­plete today lists and at the end of the day, whatever was not com­plete she would then cre­ate a brand new list and the cycle would con­tinue all over again.

I learned at a very early age that plan­ning for all pos­sib­il­it­ies and exper­i­ences allows me to be pre­pared for any out­come and to retain a little con­trol of what may or may not hap­pen.  My plan­ning beha­viours are not lim­ited to my pro­fes­sional or domestic life, they also extend into my play and although Master can always veto any activ­ity, I have made sure to have extens­ive plans whenever he and I have engaged in a week­end with pet.

The major­ity of vis­its with pet revolve around activ­it­ies Master wishes to exper­i­ence; how­ever, there have been two or three week­ends where Master has instruc­ted me to think of fun things to try with the always eager pet.  This past week­end was one of those vis­its where Master gran­ted me the lux­ury of tak­ing con­trol of what would tran­spire and ori­gin­ally I had a set of 19 plans all recor­ded and ready to be put into action.

The week lead­ing up to the visit Master and I appeared to exper­i­ence numer­ous neg­at­ive con­ver­sa­tions and although the con­ver­sa­tions were not enjoy­able I believe the learn­ing exper­i­ence was well worth the con­flict.  I am uncer­tain as to what exactly caused me to change my mind with regards to my ori­ginal plan; how­ever, for some reason I decided that I was restrict­ing both myself as well as Master and that if I wanted our rela­tion­ship to grow, to con­tinue to pro­gress I had to be will­ing to take a few risks, to step out­side of my con­trolling box and to accept that not every exper­i­ence will be fun and that is okay. That it was not neces­sar­ily about mak­ing sure everything was pos­it­ive but more about the growth that came from it.  I also needed to accept that I might very well enjoy some­thing I once thought I did not and that com­ing to terms with learn­ing some­thing new about myself was a good thing, was some­thing I should embrace rather than run from.

Side step­ping my con­di­tioned thoughts and beha­viours was not easy and I found I had to regroup peri­od­ic­ally through­out the week­end. However, I would have to say that for the most part I abso­lutely stretched my ima­gin­a­tion and delved into unknown sexual/kink ter­rain.  The phys­ical as well as sexual acts I par­ti­cip­ated in were not knew, what was new was that I took the ini­ti­at­ive, that I made the choice to paddle pet, train pet’s ass cunt, that I told pet to touch me, that I allowed myself to take pleas­ure from pet’s touch and that I cor­rec­ted pet’s beha­viour when I felt as though she was being sassy,  all without Master’s instruc­tion.   I tried to par­ti­cip­ate at all times, whether that was ask­ing Master to fuck pet, whether that was instruct­ing pet to suck Master’ s cock, whether it was kiss­ing Master while he used pet or simply by enga­ging in an open con­ver­sa­tion with Master while play­ing and toy­ing with pet.

Another huge step for me was that when I exper­i­enced some­thing unset­tling, when some word or action pricked me I did not push my feel­ings aside, I did not dis­card or repress, rather I asked Master for a moment to speak about my feel­ings.  Prior to the week­end I had come to the real­isa­tion that there may be moments when someone says or does some­thing and I will not like it, (that any one of us will not like it) and that the best way to move for­ward is to address the situ­ation imme­di­ately, work through the con­flict and move for­ward.  In the past I did not always verbally express my dis­tress and my energy most cer­tainly altered the sexual/playful exchange often leav­ing me hurt and feel­ing dis­tant from the moment.  In the past I would wait until pet was returned home to dis­cuss my feel­ings and that approach most def­in­itely was not con­du­cive to the rela­tion­ship I share with Master. It also was not con­du­cive to the exchange Master and I have with pet, for it often left pet with an feel­ing unsettled.  I think what I really wanted from address­ing things in the moment was to show Master that I can express emo­tions and not be para­lyzed by them and also to demon­strate to pet that Master and I can exper­i­ence con­flict and yet move for­ward positively.

This past week­end proved to me that I can have new exper­i­ences all while still retain­ing my core, still being true to who I am.  This past week­end demon­strated to me that I am far stronger, emo­tion­ally speak­ing, than I ever ima­gined and that I am entitled to my feel­ings and to express them and that I do not have to allow one neg­at­ive moment to con­trol me, con­trol the joy I could be exper­i­en­cing.  Interestingly I also learned to respect my instincts and to value my obser­va­tions; to appre­ci­ate the know­ledge I have of the human psy­cho­logy and to remind myself that some­times I really do know what is best for someone even when he or she does not.

Over the past couple of months my con­fid­ence has waned with regards to being able to read someone and although I am the first to admit that I am not a mind reader, that some­times I really do not know what is best for someone, that I have been incor­rect with what a per­son needs, for the most part I am an excel­lent observer of human beha­viours and I do have extens­ive edu­ca­tion and train­ing on such mat­ters and there­fore I should embrace and respect my skills, my abil­it­ies rather than dis­miss them.  I have never believed I am the end all be all on human psy­cho­logy, in fact I turn to oth­ers for another per­spect­ive, another opin­ion, addi­tional know­ledge; how­ever, I am not stu­pid, I am not ignor­ant on the top­ics of sci­ence and the human mind and I do have a great deal to offer.

I truly believe I have grown from the pre­vi­ous two days and I am grate­ful for it. I have walked away from every exper­i­ence with a new aware­ness and I am far more con­fid­ent and com­fort­able with who I am, with the rela­tion­ship I share with Master and with the exchange Master and I have with pet.  I am will­ing to try new things, I am will­ing to ven­ture into uncharted ter­rit­ory and at the same time I no longer will­ing to keep silent, to allow my instincts to not be heard and to express my views.  I have also learned that age can and most often does equate to greater life exper­i­ences and that being the age I am, being the age Master is, hav­ing the life exper­i­ences I have had, the life exper­i­ences Master has had, that it is up to us to some­times say no, to not allow a par­tic­u­lar exper­i­ence to hap­pen in order to ensure every­one is safe, every­one is secure, every­one is not harmed.

Confidence is amaz­ing. When one has it, any­thing is pos­sible. When one does not have it, everything appears to be impossible.

I am happy to have found my con­fid­ence. I am grate­ful for hav­ing a Master who allowed me to grow at my own pace and to have waited by my side until I reached it. I have com­plete faith that there are far more exper­i­ences to be had and although I will still plan and pre­pare, when it comes to expand­ing my hori­zons I shall leave most of the plan­ning to fate, fate and des­tiny. (Okay and maybe a tiny list of possibilities.)

~His

(Photograph: cour­tesy of rohdesign.com)